My dad passed away in August and this was our first holiday without him. I’m an only child and my mom and I are very close. My husband and I live about an hour away from her.
I spent the night with my mom on Wednesday to help her cook. Thursday, my husband drove down with our son and his two older kids from a previous relationship. They stayed 3ish hours and said they were bored and wanted to go home. They were invited to spend the night either with my mom or with my aunt who lives 10 mins away and has a basement apartment. He declined, took the two older kids, and left.
So I spent the night with our 3 yr old at my mom’s house. We are still grieving my dad.
Friday, he calls upset that I didn’t come home the night before. I told him I was there to support my mom and they could’ve stayed but chose not to. I was planning on spending the rest of the weekend here but he’s so upset that I feel like I have no choice but to go home. AITA?
Info: were you already planning on staying the night before you announced it? Did he know in advance you were planning on staying?
INFO
YOu say ‘I was planning on spending the rest of the weekend’…did HE know the plans?
Sounds on the surface, very shallow of him to not be supportive of your wish to be there for your mom, but it also sounds like he came up to her place with his other kids, with no real plan to stay. He woudln’t be wrong to decline staying if he didn’t prepare himself or his kids to stay, but being a little over the top upset and not understanding of your situation, is a little AH of him.
Yeah, there’s this new thing that couples do these days that I’ve read about. It’s called “talking to each other”.
Woooooah slow down, I don’t know if reddit is *that* progressive yet
Info: did you discuss your plan to spend the entire weekend at your moms with your husband in advance?
NTA. You lost me when an adult man was “bored.”
Yeah, what a gem he is.
Wow I’m so sorry about your dad. It’s probably a very difficult holiday for you. I’m shocked that your husband is this selfish. Is he this selfish normally?
If you talked about you staying the weekend in advance then NTA. If you just sprung it on him that this was going to be a multi night sleep over then very gently YTA. He’s TA too because he doesn’t sound terribly supportive of you and your mum but it sounds like none of you have been communicating very well.
NTA
Your husband is TA for focusing on himself instead of on you and your mother at a painful time.
NTA . . . He left!
… He has no right to grump about it later. He should have come with all three kids, and with stuff for them to do. Even if that meant packing a game system to bring with to attach to your moms TV .
NTA – when my husband grieved his father, I let him guide what he needed. That isn’t for me to decide. When I grieved my brother, my husband lets me decide how and when I grieve/d. Your spouse doesn’t seem to be thinking about what you need mentally or what your mother needs, instead he’s thinking of his own.
My take on people in these particular circumstances is how lucky they truly are, to not feel the need to grieve in this way. To be blissfully unaware of the burden that comes with forever grieving a close loved one.
So yeah… You’re definitely NTA.
It depends on the communication beforehand.
Did you tell him on Wednesday that you planned on staying the whole week? Or did you spring it on him? Even knowing your dad passed away so recently, I think Wednesday to Sunday is a long trip that should be negotiated in beforehand, especially since you have kids. He might not want to be separated from the 3-year-old all week.
How was the situation when he and the older kids left? Did he ask you to come with them? Was he polite in front of your mom and only then got mad in private? Does he get along well with your mom and aunt, or are there issues?
If he knew and you talked about this, he’s TA throwing a tantrum. If you didn’t tell him and sprung it on him, then his reaction is understandable. Edit: You’re still not TA because you meant no harm and it’s a difficult time for you and your mom. I’m sorry for your loss.
You are actually considering appeasing a man who is throwing a toddler tantrum about you paying attention to your grieving mother and not him…?