Hi friends. I guess I’m just looking for some outside opinion.
For some context, this Christmas is a little rough. My father in law passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly about a month ago, so the holiday season is a bit hard for my husbands family. My mom, on the other hand, is mother freaking Christmas. This is the only holiday my family really celebrates, and she goes hard. It’s just my parents, my sisters family, and my family( which consists of myself, my husband, my 1.5yr old daughter, and a son on the way) They’re generally early eaters, and festivities are generally done by 3-4pm as we are in a state that’s snowy and deer come out after dark. My mom also has a history of being quite controlling. Over the last two years or so, I’ve been giving her a ton more pushback because I’m an adult and I won’t let her walk all over me. The two families also do not get along….like at all.
Well here it goes. I (26F) have been texting my mom all day about gifts and family and Christmas related things. She then sent a text to our family group text with just herself, my sister, and me, asking what we were thinking for food. I asked what time she was planning, as lunch might be a lighter meal. She replied and said “whatever time, idk what everyone’s plans are”. I told her that I was planning on coming morning/afternoon and then leaving to my in-laws around dinner time. Her reply to this was just “No”. I then received an individual text from my sister saying “I love you but I wouldn’t have put that out there”. I told my sister that I’m not going to tiptoe around her feelings. In previous years, we have missed dinner at his families just to make her happy. That’s not an option this year because the only thing his mom wants is her family all together. She hasn’t said anything since the “no” text but I can feel it coming. I did respond in the group text saying “okay so what’s everyone else’s plan?”. Also for context, my sister has festivities with her husbands family on Christmas Eve, and her daughter goes with her bio dad on Christmas Eve so the holiday can not be moved to that day. Nobody else has any scheduling restrictions on Christmas Day except for us. The only reason I think I could be the AH is for asking them to bump the plans just a bit earlier, but I also don’t see why they can’t if nobody else has restrictions.
ETA: for everyone telling me to spend the whole day with MIL, they own a farm and have chores to do during the day that we can not help with (MIL and FIL never liked anyone other than my brother in law helping ). We can not physically go out there before dinner hours.
NTA, and please accept my condolences.
You married into your husband’s family, as he married into yours, but that doesn’t mean either should become the primary one to spend holidays with, and your mom is being an insensitive AH. Your FIL passed away, and all she can think about is herself. Hold your boundary.
NTA: your husband’s family is still in mourning, and besides, the first Christmas without someone is always the toughest. I would tell everyone you are leaving the get together at a certain time, and then do so. (Make sure you park where no one can block you in.)
NTA If she’s not okay with you doing both just go to your husbands family, they need you more and you all need love and support not to be forced into something against your will. It feels like your mom is going to try to push lunch until dinner time so you don’t leave
Edit to add judgement
Of course you’re NTA. Your mom is so fortunate that she can see you every Christmas. Many can’t say the same and have to flip flop every year. I would take this head on. Let her and your sister know what your timing is and make a suggestion on the meal plan. Separately, text or talk to your mother and say something like “I’m really surprised you are not being more compassionate about DH and MIL’s situation. You know this holiday is going to be tough for her and we want her and the rest of DH’s family to feel loved and supported. If that upsets you, I don’t know what to say except that is really disappointing but I can’t make your disappointment change the plans that are critical to my family’s well being.”
Came to say this. Head on is the way to do it. Remember, to be clear is to be kind—not rude or aggressive or hurtful, but clear. And that is a fact, whether it is perceived that way or not. Be specific about what your plans are. After all, you aren’t asking for permission.
Don’t waffle or you might cave. It’s hard when people can’t be flexible. It’s also unfortunate because that’s how resentments build and I’m sure that’s not what any of you want.
NTA. Didn’t seem like there were any plans before you said you needed to leave early. It sounded like she was open to anything so why did your response change that? Like you said you’re old enough to do what you want. Ask her if she would rather you not come at all then and go to in-laws.
NTA and you have to set a hard boundary if you want to avoid additional conflict. Missing dinner with your husband’s family is non-negotiable. You let your mother know that you will be attending their family dinner and those plans are set in stone. If she wants you at Christmas, she will have to work around your schedule, or you won’t attend at all.
NTA! Regardless of the situation, who passed, who loves Christmas, and who doesn’t, your partner deserves to spend time with his family on Christmas Day. It sounds like this hasn’t been the case. Time for your mom to recognize that children grow up, have families of their own, and need to spend time with their partner’s family too – even if she doesn’t like them. I’m so sorry this is happening, OP, Christmas is stressful enough without the extra guilt!
NTA to me. But I have been in your position. Inlaws started christmas at 11.30 and finished around 4. Had drinks till about 7 or 8 but we skipped those to join my family’s dinner. Everyone gathered around 4 but we joined in 5, maybe 5.30.
Traditionally christmas dinner was the same day, we tried keeping both families happy and ended up with both families annoyed and angry. One for ‘leaving early’ and one for ‘arriving late and your filled up anyway’ so completely insulted about dinner (and we ate a decent amount).
Sometimes it doesnt matter what you do. Whats best to you and your own home, is never wrong.
NTA – boundaries are a form of respect. Your mother is actively disrespecting your needs and plan for the day to suit herself after not getting the answer she wants. She had the opportunity to outline what she’d hoped for and could’ve asked if that suited everyone but she left it open and then reacted manipulatively.
If she wants to throw a tantrum about it – which is what this behaviour is btw – she can, but you’ve made your position clear. I’d tell her it’s lunch or nothing. 🤷♀️
NTA at all. Stop allowing your mommy control your plans. Tell her when you need to leave by and if food isn’t done you’re still leaving. Honestly you should spend most of the day with your husbands family as they just lost their father. Your mother is completely wrong to dominate your time. Super disrespectful to your husband. Be the spouse your husband deserves.
NTA! My husband and I are flying home for Christmas for the first time in about 9 years. We have three houses to be at that day, his parents Christmas morning (we stay with them) my parents right after and than his grandparents as his whole family meets up there to do Christmas dinner. Not a single one of them have made us feel bad for giving everyone a timeline for that day. Your mom is being selfish.
After your mom’s shitty reaction, I’d just be like “Welp, sucks for you then” and spend the whole day with my in-laws. Your MIL would probably appreciate the extra family time given the unexpected loss they’ve experienced so recently. Your mom’s an asshole for not being more understanding. It’s plenty common for married couples to split or even alternate holidays.
What’s more, my husband and I mostly stopped house hopping when we had our own kids. We want them to enjoy their holidays at home, and if relatives want to be a part of that, they’re more than welcome to come to us.
If she cannot understand that being with your MIL, who just recently lost her life partner, trumps everything, she is a really selfish person, and you need to just stick to what you told her your plans are. Wow. You are not an asshole, but your mom is.