Burner account because I don’t want to publicly put my dad’s cancer cause that would definitely be an ass move.
So about one week ago after quitting smoking my dad went to the doctor and was confirmed to have cancer, albeit the type and severity hadn’t been determined. However, about one week and one day ago my sister who has been dating her now fiancé for 8 years had finally been proposed to. She was so happy we were sent tons and tons of pictures/videos of her happy crying ( I even snagged a funny l looking one to use as the contact picture in my phone). So when my parents asked about when we should tell her i immediately said that we had to wait until we know the severity and of any potential treatment options, after all the more unknowns the longer and harder it is to process information especially information as tragic as this. I also didn’t feel comfortable telling her this close to such an important milestone in her life. I want to distance these two events in her life as much as possible, the idea of every time you think about your
proposal/wedding your father having potentially fatal lung cancer also popping into your head makes me feel ill and would definitely spoil such a cherished memory.
The other issue is that she also lives far out of state. For context without TMI she lives in one of the northern most states while we all live in one of the southern most. I also know for a fact that she can’t come down even if she wants to as she has no more vacation days as she was only able to come down for two days to celebrate Christmas.
I imagine that she might end up pissed or something when she finds out, and I do feel some guilt for keeping it hidden but I’m sure that this leads to a better outcome than if we had told her right away.
The hospital finally has some free space to take him in for a cat scan tomorrow and then they are likely to tell my sister having gotten some treatment options. If anything blows up I might leave an update then but until then I hope to hear some outside opinions on the matter.
Edit: not a big change but for clarity I checked the dates and fixed them in the story to properly match
YTA tell her
She would want to know if her father has cancer. Don’t hide this, keep her in the loop
She will want to know about appointments or even may want to FaceTime in with appointments
Hell she may even want to change her wedding plans and do a date much sooner so he can be there
The sooner you tell her the more she can figure out and process
I would tell my sister. She would be so upset if you didn’t. Especially if they have a good relationship.
NAH yet
I agree that waiting until you know more about the severity and treatment options makes sense. But as soon as you have that info, you need to tell her. And DO NOT tell her you didn’t want to put a damper on her engagement. I promise you that it will only make her link the two more strongly.
YTA — it’s time to tell her. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but it’s now been enough time and she needs to know. If the diagnosis was the day she got engaged or the day after, then yes, it would be kind to wait a short amount of time. But it’s weeks later, and waiting longer will only taint the memory more, as she’ll wished she could have been there for her father sooner.
Tell her. Immediately.
Every day you don’t is another day she loses to prepare for the worst, or to tell your dad she loves him.
The engagement doesn’t matter in comparison, and you shouldn’t be trying to decide what’s best for her. She’ll only wind up resenting you for it.
She can’t buy time. Tell her as soon as possible.
YTA- every second you wait to tell your sister.
Life is not certain. There is some chance that your father could pass away before she could see him. Cancer is a swear word. Nothing is guaranteed.
And I know people that I would want to see if I found out they had an illness. If nothing else to make sure you see them one more time, mentally important and reassuring to the brain.
Our time is finite. Tell your sister
I don’t know if YTA, but you all need to tell her asap. I don’t want to add additional stress to an already terrible situation, but I have known two people who got diagnosed with lung cancer and were dead within weeks. Hopefully that’s not the case for your father, but you are potentially stealing time she might have with her father. Is she not eligible for FMLA at her work?
Bordering on YTA. The information you are waiting for can take weeks on top of the couple of weeks it’s been since her engagement. It’s time to loop her into the situation.
As shit as this may be, if it’s terminal or starts progressing fast, waiting is taking away time she could be spending with your dad. You can’t give that time back to her.
YTA.
I would be *beyond* pissed if I wasn’t kept up to date on my father’s health problems simply because ‘My sister thinks she knows better than me about how I can and want to handle my own life.’
I lost my mother just over a year ago just after Thanksgiving to health issues, including liver cancer. She didn’t die from the cancer, but her health went from good to seriously bad in a matter of a month. If they hadn’t kept me apprised about what was going on simply because I got engaged I would have missed spending time with her in the last month of her life.
Ultimately, it’s up to your father and on if he wants his daughter to know. You should not be making this choice for your sibling. Both good things and bad things happen in life and you can’t decide to hold back on the bad just because you think you know better than her on how she should handle them in her life.
I don’t like it, her living out of state or being engaged doesn’t make a difference. There is family medical leave for these exact purposes, so she won’t have to use vacation days. People can go from diagnosis to deathbed within weeks, I wouldn’t want to be the one gatekeeping information like that and it turns for the worse. Not only do they still have to deal with it, but they know they were excluded and not treated as a core family member.
You our sister is an adult and should be told. Don’t wait. YTA
Super kind YTA. Keeping secrets from people “for their own good” is almost never a good idea. It would have been different if your parents kept it to themselves until they had a prognosis, but I think once you knew she should have know too.
If she had been on her honeymoon it would have made sense not to ruin that, but at this point there’s not really a connection between her engagement and your father’s diagnosis. Definitely don’t say anything to make that connection in her head (i.e use her engagement to justify the secret).
Not your health, not your story, not your business. Your father should do whatever he wants to do.