There’s stuff that’s bothering me and whenever I try talk to my mom about it she gets upset like crying or yells at me. I think it’s bad stuff that happened that’s why she doesn’t wanna talk about it or coz she still thinks I’m a kid. Am I the asshole for trying to make her talk about stuff that makes her sad? I’m not wanting to or meaning to make her sad just trying to stop stuff messing up my head.
Edit coz people asking for more info to know if I’m being the asshole or not so basically & it defo sounds like I’m been the asshole when I say it like this but basically I think she got raped and I’m trying to talk about what happened with her .
INFO- there’s really no way to make a judgement with this little information.
Sorry I’ll add more info to my original post but basically I think she got maybe got raped idk I remember stuff from when I was younger but only bits of stuff that’s why I want to talk to her about it coz I’m scared he comes back again but I get it’s kinda a big really not nice thing so idk if I’m being an ahole for trying to make her talk about it
That’s not something you should be asking her to talk about. If it were her actions towards you? Then yes. But this is HER trauma and she isn’t ready to discuss it with you, and perhaps you really aren’t mature enough to handle these realities anyway, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. You just sound really young.
You aren’t the asshole per se, but this isn’t something you should press her about. It may benefit you to talk to a professional though, especially if you have memory fragments. You need help but she can’t be the one to help you here
I understand your anxiety but it will always be an AH move to try and force someone to talk about their trauma if they don’t want to.
NAH obviously you didn’t give a lot of context so it’s hard to really just give a verdict but as an overview she’s allowed to have boundaries and emotions regarding subjects. You’re allowed to seek discussions on things bothering you.
Ultimately the way forward would be a councilor either jointly or individually to discuss and finally work through these topics. (Assuming this involves particular events and outcomes rather than something more minor and just dramatics).
Sorry I’ll add more info to my post coz someone else asked too. Basically I remember stuff from when I was younger but only bits that’s why I wanna talk to her about it so it makes sense but it’s bad I think like real bad if it’s what I think (rape) & she says ok not allowed to tell anyone like the school counselor in case we get separated ☹️
YTA as her daughter you feel entitled to this information, but you are not. Your mother is more than just your mother, and deserves her privacy. Just let her know you are ready to talk about it when/if she is ready.
What is making you want to talk about this with her? Is it just that you want her to know she can talk to you? Is it because it affects you directly? Were you a product of what you think happened?
Honestly I would suggest reassuring her you are there for her if she ever wants to talk but seek out either another trusted adult (an aunt or something) or a professional to talk about the feelings it’s bringing up in you! You clearly don’t want to hurt her and bringing up something she isn’t ready to talk about will be hurting her but I would understand why you would want to talk it out with someone.
I wanna talk about it coz idk if I even remember right
Like I think I remember seeing and hearing stuff but maybe I’m mixed up coz like I don’t understand why something like that would even happen. I still get scared even though am 14 now and I don’t wanna be scared since I’m not a kid anymore but coz we don’t talk about it I just no what I remember and it was shit scary like sometimes I have nightmares about it. I deffo don’t wanna hurt her ofc I don’t I just wanna stop these crap feelings. I don’t have a aunt or any other family it’s just me and my mom she raised me herself since I was a kid. I spoke to the counselor at school but she got mad mom says if I tell people they might separate us and obvs I don’t want that to happen
Ok… you don’t have any other trusted adults in your life other than your mum? Friends parents?
I’m from the UK so I’m not sure what local services would be available to you, I’m sorry I can’t be more help. Are there any youth centres near you?
I hope you can trust your mum to keep you safe and you can take some comfort in that to help with the nightmares and feelings of fear.
If you feel the need to bring it up with her again don’t focus on what happened to her just tell her about your anxiety, nightmares, feelings of fear.
In the Ring Theory of Support (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)) the person who had the trauma happening to them is the most important, and people affected next do not turn to them for support.
If someone had cancer, you would not burden them with your feelings of sadness for their possible death, because they are the one the cancer is happening to and they are not the ones who should be shouldering your burden on their health issue. If your mother was raped, she should be put in the position of helping you through your feelings and memories of her traumatic event. Every time you bring it up, she is being forced to re-live the violation and violence.
You’re not the bad guy for wanting to address what’s troubling you, but tread carefully. Your mother deserves her space and to open up on her own terms. Focus on supporting her instead of pushing subjects that clearly upset her. Seek help elsewhere if you need to process your thoughts and feelings about this.
NTA
You’re not the asshole. You’re still a child. You feel grown but at 14 your brain and body are still developing. You are trying to figure out who you will become. It is natural for a person your age you want to know where they came from. These are normal questions to ask.
Your mother might not be capable of having this discussion right now. She has probably suppressed a lot of that pain to survive and make the best life she can for the two of you.
Is there anyone else you can talk to? Anyone who can let you know the story for now until she is ready to tell you her story.
I’m so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. I hope you and your mother find the support you need to navigate this conversation.