Yesterday I (31F) celebrated my birthday with friends and family. During invitations, my aunt (53) told me that she would be unlikely to attend due to her work hours but she would show up if we were still there by the time she left work. I told her that was okay and we could see each other in the weekend. We celebrated at a restaurant and we started at 7PM. By 10PM everyone started getting up to pay and the staff started cleaning our tables because it was getting near closing time and the crowd was dwindling. I was also ready to go and my husband was helping put all the gifts in the car. Since my aunt hasn’t shown up, I assumed she was still held back at work, until my cousin saw me gathering everything and asked if we would wait for my aunt. I told her I thought she couldn’t make it and she said my aunt had just asked for the location so she could come over.
We weren’t being served, everyone had already said their goodbyes and my aunt wouldn’t even be able to come in and have a seat, nor stay to enjoy. She would come all the way to talk to us for 5 minutes outside and then go home. I felt that would be inconsiderate of me and since she hasn’t started coming yet I asked my cousin to tell her she didn’t have to do that, she had already worked all day long and she wouldn’t even be able to eat anything at the restaurant. My grandma, who lives with my aunt, invited us to lunch on Sunday and I said we’d be there. When I got home, I sent her a message thanking her for the gift she had sent through my grandma and telling her I was looking forward to Sunday. She hasn’t responded.
My mom had already gone home but when I told her about it today she said my aunt definitely was upset by this. She said I should have just let her come. But it just felt wrong to me. Sometimes we can’t make it to celebrations and that’s okay.
Now I’m worried and feeling bad that I might have hurt her feelings, even if I meant for the opposite and still don’t think she should have come all the way.
AITA?
NTA. It’s not like you could have forced the staff to keep the restaurant open. She can visit you another time.
She’s probably got her wires crossed and thinks you said not to come because you didn’t want her there. Perhaps you could drop her a text explaining the situation?
I did explain everything when I messaged her yesterday, but idk if it made any difference to her.
In that case I’d just leave it be. If she continues to be arsey about it then frankly that’s her problem
Then she’s tired and unreasonable, which happens when you work too much. I’d consider texting her “I wasn’t rejecting you, we were all leaving as the restaurant was closing so it made no sense to me to say hi at our cars when you were tired from working late. See you Sunday if you can come. Sounds like work had been a lot so I hope you get a break soon.”
Your aunt was invited to your birthday, was informed of the time and location and she didn’t make it by the time everyone was packing up to leave and somehow it’s your fault? Forget about it, and maybe say ‘Sorry you couldn’t make it’ when you next see her but you don’t owe her an explanation or an apology.
NTA. It’s really not that deep
You are NTA, in fact I applaud you for how you handled this. Your cousin is the main Y T A for allowing / facilitating your aunt coming even though your cousin could see (if your cousin was paying attention) that it was getting near closing time when your aunt asked for the location. Your cousin needs to be a bit more on the ball. Your aunt is an accomplice Y T A for being experienced enough in life to know that making such a late arrival, well after the food has been served, is annoying to the guests and stressful to the restaurant staff (who are trying to clear up as closing time approaches), and your aunt is also the accomplice a h o l e for her non response to your kind and reconciliatory text.
NTA your bill was closed out, you were packing up and leaving. She missed it, it’s not the end of the world and you would see her in a couple days. She needs to get over it.
NTA. “Don’t come we’re leaving” is a fair response after 3 hours. However, I have to wonder what your cousin said when telling her mom not to come. There’s a pretty good possibility that it wasn’t communicated correctly which is why you should be contacting aunt yourself and not going through cousin. Even if that’s not the case if your aunt chooses to be offended because you were leaving that’s on her. Expecting you to wait for her for 5 minutes of interaction is selfish IMO.
I did leave her a voice message to thank for her gift and explain but even then my mom said it was high chance she was upset ):
Drop the rope. Don’t make it your problem! Maybe she is busy, maybe she is unhappy, but right now you (and your mother) are making it your problem, when it might not even be a problem.
NTA. I get where you were coming from. The event was basically over, the place was closing, and it would’ve turned into an awkward 5-minute sidewalk visit after she’d already worked all day. You weren’t rejecting her, you were trying to be considerate of her time and energy. You still acknowledged her gift and made plans to see her soon, which shows you care. It’s okay that not every celebration lines up perfectly. If she’s upset, that’s unfortunate, but your intent wasn’t rude or dismissive.
NTA.
Honestly your Aunt is. She needs to learn how to decline invitations instead of stringing people along. If you cant go you need to say no. Her inability to do so is not your problem.