Post:
Hi everyone,
I’m in a bit of a complicated situation and would love some outside perspective. My boyfriend and I have been together for about nine months now. Before we met, he had a female best friend who, at one point, he was interested in romantically. However, she declined his advances, and they remained close friends. Over time, they would flirt and text quite often. Even though she now has a boyfriend back in her home country, they still share a deep connection.
Since we started dating, it feels like he mentions her almost every day. Whenever I express any discomfort, he becomes defensive. I’ve also noticed that he clears his messages with her, and he often takes a long time to respond to my texts, which makes me feel undervalued.
I’ve had conversations with him about how this dynamic makes me uncomfortable, and he promised to stop bringing her up. But I still find that she’s often the first contact on his WhatsApp share list, and he continues to dismiss my concerns as me being controlling.
It’s reached a point where I feel like I’m competing for his attention, and I worry that if she ever becomes available, he might leave me. I’ve tried to trust him and not snoop, but it’s been challenging.
So, Reddit, am I the asshole for wanting him to distance himself from his female best friend, or am I just overthinking things?
You’ve told him how you feel. You can’t control who he talks to. What you CAN control is continuing to see him. It’s your decision if you want to continue being with him knowing his stance.
I’m not going to call you an asshole, but I wouldn’t date a woman who told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with, even if it’s a woman I used to be into. That’s a big red flag.
NTA for telling him how you feel. You will be TA if you stay with someone that isn’t interested in how you feel. If you don’t come 1st you’re last.
YTA in the sense that you are the one that’s keeping this relationship going despite not agreeing with the company he keeps.
He has had a relationship with her for years even as you met him, he didn’t hide her importance, and you can only know he deletes messages if you check.
Let him go, this is not working for either of you.
You can only control you. YTA
YTA. Men and women can absolutely be friends, ask me how I know. You have two choices, you can either trust him or don’t. If trusting him is too hard for you, you need to break it off. He has done nothing wrong, though.
My friends are who they are, and that isn’t up to the discretion of someone I date.
YTA
You cant tell him he can’t be friends someone but why would you want to be with someone who treats you as second best. You’ve expressed how you feel he doesn’t care. Is this they type of relationship you really want to be in? Let him have the best friend and go find yourself someone who deserves you.
ESH. It’s obvious from his actions that there is a reasonable concern about his intentions, but it is not your place to dictate who he is and isn’t friends with.
He doesn’t value you or your feelings, and you’re becoming insecure and controlling over it. This is a compatibility issue, and you should exit the relationship.
YTA.
He said he’d stop bringing her up but you seem to expect him to stop talking to her. Those are different. You are being controlling of his friendship with her.
It’s perfectly reasonable that you want to have a boyfriend who doesn’t have a female best friend because you feel its a competitive dynamic. That means this relationship is not for you, it doesn’t mean you get to control who his friends are.
Your title is misleading. If you truly believe a man cannot have a best friend who is a woman, then yes, you would be the AH. But that isn’t the situation here.
He was interested in but rejected. He kind of sounds like he’s trying to stay in her circle and is hoping she’ll change her mind. If you feel like you are second to her, chances are you are. NTA in this case. Find someone who wants an appreciates you.
YTA
I’m a woman and all my best friends are male save one.
ESH
There is no reason that men and women cannot be friends and it is not cool to push that rhetoric. If an individual human is incapable of platonic friendship with the opposite sex, then that is something they should look inward on.
The problem here is not that his best friend is a woman. The problem is that he is being sneaky, they are flirting while having partners, he’s deleting texts and lying and dismissing your concerns over the fact.
The issue is not her gender, it’s their specific dynamic which is disrespectful to your relationship.
ESH
In a normal situation, is insecure, controlling, and toxic. Trying to make him stop talking to a friend isn’t a good idea, you either trust him or you don’t. HOWEVER, it is incredibly obvious that this guy *does* still carry a torch for his friend, doesn’t put you first and probably would drop you at the first whisper of a sign that she would even consider being interested in a relationship with him and he’s being super disrespectful to you by pretending he isn’t still head over heels for her. Cut your loses, move on to someone who will actually be as invested in you as you are in them because it’s not this dude.