I, 22F, believed that, because K, 28M, was older, he would be more responsible and emotionally understanding. Before we even got together and again on our first date, I made it clear that I wanted respect and honesty from my partner. He told me he would honor that.
Early on, when we talked about exs, K told me, completely unprompted, that he had not spoken to his ex since their breakup on July 2, 2024, and that there had been no contact when we first started talking. I discovered last night, that was not the truth. K was texting her every other day and hooking up with her multiple times until mid-July 2025.
I had been honest about my boundaries and told K how uncomfortable I was with exes remaining actively present in our lives. Instead of respecting that, he made me feel as though my feelings were unreasonable. He insisted it was normal to stay close with exes and repeatedly assured me they were not speaking, all while they were hooking up just a month before we met.
We met on a dating app (my 1st time using one), and he was the first guy I went on a date with from there. Our date was August 21. I deleted the dating app a few days after that.
I read through his messages and found he wrote about Hinge, saying it was just helping him get over his ex. I’m not sure how to feel anymore.
3 months into our relationship, I raised concerns about him following past hookups and friends with benefits on social media. He admitted he still followed them and saw them as friends. I tried to explain how this blurred boundaries. After seeking advice and being put in a difficult position, he agreed to remove the hookups but insisted on keeping his exes. I tried to stay open-minded, even when it hurt.
What hurt more was hearing him say he was curious about his exes. He told his friends I was uncomfortable with his curiosity, framing me as jealous and insecure, when I was only asking for basic respect. In reality, he was still in love with his ex. He compared me to her on Instagram, kept tabs on her, wrote about her in his journal, and their relationship was not platonic.
He wrote about loving her for the past 2.5 years, about hu every time she was in town, about how heartbreaking it was when she left, and how deeply that loss affected him. He dedicated Bruno Mars songs to her, the same songs he played with me. That made me question whether he ever truly saw me, or if I was standing in the place of someone else.
I felt like a rebound. He wrote about her in intimate detail, their favorite songs, movies, shared views on life. It is hard to believe someone can move on from that in just one month. He still had photos of her on his Instagram, embracing her, and only removed them after I brought it up. Even then, I allowed him to keep photos of other exes. I kept trying to be understanding and kept trying to be a better person for him.
But I was lied to, over and over. I told him if I was going to consider us, he needs to remove everything related to her. AITA?
No judgement, but exactly WHY would you want to remain in relationship with someone who isn’t over their ex?
You should have more respect for yourself. If you feel like you’re a rebound, chances are that you ARE a rebound. Don’t go into relationships expecting someone to change – he’s shown you his priorities and nothing is going to change that.
I completely agree with you that I need to have more respect for myself. When I found out about this, I packed my things and left his place at 3 a.m.
The only reason I am even considering remaining in a relationship with him is because, first, I care for him deeply, second, he has been putting in significant effort on just focusing on me the past month, and third, we have a lot of events to attend together like weddings that we booked nonrefundable flights for. Until now, I hadn’t felt any uncertainty or concern about him still thinking about his ex\~those doubts only resurfaced when he handed me his phone to look through.
NTA. The first mistake was assuming his maturitity would correlate with his age. How did you find out he was still texting her for a year after?
Boundaries look different in relationships, but it’s reasonable to not want a partner to be in contact with not just one ex, but *multiple.*
He sounds shady. You could be a rebound. Anyway, NTA.
ESH.
However, YTA to yourself. He isn’t going to stop lying, because he has no reason to do so – he has dismissed your boundaries and you let him, in fact you have removed them for him.
He is not serious about you.
Edited judgment.
ESH. He lied to you. Why are you staying with him and demanding he delete everything related to his ex? Just dump him and find someone who won’t lie and who is on the same page regarding exes.
ETA: boundaries are not about controlling what other people do. Boundaries are about your own reactions to other people’s actions. You don’t want to be in a relationship where either party remains in contact with exes. He does. You have no right to tell him that he can’t maintain those contacts. You have every right to break up with him because you don’t want to be with someone who maintains relationships with exes.
I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this, but why do you still want to be with this man? YWBTA to yourself if you keep going down this path.
NTA but I feel like you deserve someone who is going to match your energy. I’m sorry but I don’t think he loves you like you do him. I know this is easier said than done but I think you should move on because clearly he hasn’t
NTA, but also, girl, *when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.* The fact that you feel you need him to remove these things is instructive, get out while you’ve got your dignity.
Nta Your insecure admitted it. I think he has told many lies before the relationship started. But since being official has to been in contact with them. I mean either way you don’t and will never trust anyone so end it and move on.
Just to clarify, I have never directly asked him to remove anyone or anything until today, after only just finding out about this. I never went through his phone without permission; I only searched his ex’s name after he handed me his phone and he has explicitly said, “Go ahead and look through it—I have nothing to hide.” The relationship began with dishonesty, and the only concern I have ever expressed was my discomfort regarding former partners—something I made an exception for until now.
ESH.
Your boundary is “It makes me uncomfortable for you to be in contact with your ex.”
His boundary is “I want to be in contact with my ex.”
YWBTA if you don’t see this is not a long term match. He WBTA for not recognizing he still wants to be with his ex.
NTA because he lied to you.
ESH.
>I, 22F, believed that, because K, 28M, was older, he would be more responsible and emotionally understanding
When your premise is wrong, the results are likely to be unsatisfactory. One of the big reasons for someone to go after someone young is that their same-age dating pool is too smart and experienced to put up with them.
While exceptions do exist, you’re still gambling against the odds. Your own experience tells you that the odds have caught up with you.
NTA though you do sound, in your phrasing, “jealous and insecure.” “I, 22F, believed that, because K, 28M, was older, he would be more responsible and emotionally understanding”: that is not what such an age gap usually represents. “I felt like a rebound”: because you are. “I was lied to, over and over.” Then what difference does it make what he keeps or deletes?