My dad is 80 but in good physical shape for his age. He can still walk, drive, cook, and mostly handle daily living but just much slower. He lives in a big house (4 bedroom/5 bathroom single-family home) and refuses to downsize because he wants to remain independent in his house. He does not want to move. I have been trying for years and he says it is not up for discussion.
The issue is that the cleanliness is lacking since the house is too big for him to keep clean. After months of debate, I forced a housekeeper on him. He was still against it but he had no choice. He complained about the cost of a housekeeper as well as fear she would steal something in the house. I told him that she was a reasonable price (private housekeeper) and that he can keep an eye on her while not making it seem like he is watching her every move. He said he is not going to do that because he did not want a housekeeper in the first place so he does not want her there.
I told him he is keeping the housekeeper and if he tries to fire her when I am not around (he did that to the last housekeeper and also a medical home caregiver to help with some minor health problems) that I will no longer help him or visit him. I told him if he is so worried about theft to put any valuable mail, money, or jewelry inside of the safe he already owns. He said he should not have to hide his stuff in his own house because his house is his safe space and he does not want a stranger in it. I told him that was too bad and that he does not have many options. I told him that his options were to hope she does not steal if he wants to just leave valuables out or to be proactive and protect his valuables by putting them in the safe.
He told me I was being disrespectful to him and to his home by bringing people over he did not agree to have over (housekeeper). He said I was being bossy by making decisions for him without his consent. He also said I have an obligation to help my parents as they get older since they raised me because that is the right thing to do. I told him he was being disrespectful to my life by having unreasonable expectations in old age and also being completely impossible to satisfy since he complains about everything.
For reference, as someone who manages his finances, he can 100% afford the housekeeper without making any dent in covering other basic needs or even wants. He just likes to ask for MY help as in ME doing the specific thigs (which I used to do for about 3 years UNPAID). I got tired and now I hire others to help him and he hates "strangers". I told him I am not a caregiver and I have other obligations in my life to care for and I will help him but the help will be hired help done by someone else and not me. He has never offered once to pay me for all the cleaning and other misc tasks I did for him in the past but I also did not ask because I did it as a labor of love. However, I soon realized that he began to expect this and I was being taken advantage of.
NTA. Your dad is allowed not to have a housekeeper but he is not allowed to force you to be his housekeeper. You have given him a choice. I would suggest if he chooses not to have the housekeeper you can spend time with him outside the house so it doesn’t gross you out
True. Frankly, his refusal for any external help I have hired (housekeepers, nurses, etc) repulses me enough to where I want nothing to do with him if he wants to be so stubborn and entitled.
I was so adamant about the housekeeper because my mother lives there and she has dementia. So even if he doesn’t want it, my mother needs it to keep her surroundings clean. If my mom was not there then I would say IDC don’t have the housekeeper then. Ya know?
You can always threaten to call social services or get a guardianship over your mom to move her out of the house and somewhere safe if he wants to live in filth on the assumption you’ll come clean it up.
Oh my God.
This makes you EVEN LESS of an asshole. If he can’t even go along with your plan for the sake of his own wife, that’s just gross.
NTA. You don’t have children with the expectation that they have to look after you when you’re old. That’s what savings, pension, forward planning, retirement communities etc is for. Looking after a child that you CHOOSE to have is the bare minimum, it is your legal duty to feed, clothe, keep a roof over their head and keep them safe up to adulthood (and hopefully love them) as that child did not ASK to be born. Doing this does not then mean that child as an adult is your slave to do everything for you and not have a life of their own.
You are helping your father in the best way for yourself and him, but you won’t be able to help him if you burn yourself out. You have your own life, job / responsibilities to look after as well.(Remember the instructions are to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.)
INFO- Is his house paid for? That could be a big reason why he wants to stay there.
Does he need a nurse or a housekeeper? I’m imagining trying to force these things on my mom and how well that’d go down (not at all 🙃).
The house was recently (past 4 months) paid off. Prior to that it was not paid off. He could afford to pay it off years ago but he choose not to in case he needed the liquid cash. He said he paid it off in case something happened to him and we would not need to worry about the mortgage debt.
So his house being paid off has nothing to do with his refusal to move since that was very recent. But he could sell it either way, especially in this economy he would probably make a profit.
He needs a housekeeper to keep the house clean. He needs an occasional nurse to monitor some minor health issues he has.
NTA
“Thats a weird way of saying ‘thank you for keeping my house clean”
Esh your dad is not entitled to your unpaid labor, you’re not obliged to help or manage his life. BUT it’s not your house or your life. If he doesn’t want a housekeeper in his house then back off and let him fire her. If you go to visit him and the house is disgusting, leave and tell him that’s why you’re leaving. And say you’ll “visit” with him over coffee in a cafe or something but you’re not subjecting yourself to his filthy house.
He doesn’t get to have the house and no strangers and also have it cleaned and managed by you for free. But he is the one who chooses where he makes sacrifices, not you. All you get to do is stop serving him like a maid.
Very true
ESH. It’s time to have a sit down with your dad and tell him that you’re not obligated to provide him with free labor, and you won’t do it anymore.
His options are to use outside help in his own home, move into an assisted living facility, or you’ll let him do everything independently, exactly as he wants, but you won’t come to his filthy hoarder house anymore or do any more tasks for him. None of the scenarios are “you doing things for him.” Stop doing his finances, too.
He may end up leaving his estate to an animal shelter, but that may not be the worst outcome.
NTA for not cleaning his house but kinda tah for insisting on hiring a housekeeper. It is his home and he should not have to deal with strangers in his house if he doesn’t want them.
Have you tried maybe finding a housekeeper he knows? My mom’s friend’s mom is disabled and refused any and all help to keep her home clean (she cannot do it herself) until my mom’s friend told her mom about my mom’s business. Currently my mom has other employees, but she does this one personally to make it a little easier.
Def NTA though. You’re looking out for everyone’s best interest.
\> Have you tried maybe finding a housekeeper he knows?
Just members of the family. Besides me, he has tried to get my brother’s wife to help but she wants nothing to do with them considering she has not visited them in years. He seems to only want his actual children to do the work or his in-laws or grandkids (who are in college and busy).