My (17m) parents have been divorced since I was 5, it was a very nasty divorce. Since she moved about 4 years ago into the city, I’ve been living weeks with my dad and every other weekend with my mom. My dad’s wife, we’ll call her Anne and my dad have been together since I was 8.
My dad likes to comment very often about my financial burden on his family he has quite literally used those exact words, continuing to call me a "heavy" burden on him.
With the added family member (Anne and my father’s baby boy now 1), who I love and adore and enjoy taking care of, the cost obviously went up. Last summer a week before break and two days before my first day of work my father started demanding I leave to go to my moms for the entire summer break with no visits with him until the week before the start of school. I told him this wasn’t an option as I had a job I had been hired for and could not just leave. He demanded I try to find a job, I did submit my resume that weekend but wasn’t able to find anything last minute. This made him furious. This ended up with me having to spend my morning and days off of work (40 hour a week to save for college) doing chores for him to pay off my summer there, which he referred to as paying my bills and playing a role in the family. At one point he told me that as long as I wasn’t 18 I was not free to make my own decisions and that I was "under his control". At some point I began buying all my own food. I now pay for my essentials like deodorant, food, cellular data, toothpaste, clothes, school supplies, and anything else I need. My club, sport, car insurance, and school lunch fees are paid for fully by my mom. Now I work throughout the school year. My dad never asked for me to do this but I felt very much pressured to do so, and my life has significantly less conflict now. I don’t get screamed at and I got him to stop talking about how my mom never pays child support (with his permission) and that she’s a horrible mother who can’t manage her finances.
For me, I feel very excluded from their family but I don’t necessarily feel like its their fault it’s natural for me who is at a very different point in life than them to feel othered from new parents with a baby. Also, to be clear I do not mind doing chores in the slightest it was mostly the way he went about it that bothered me. I guess this is where I feel really unsure. Last week my dad and I got into a discussion about who had taken out the recycling which included more of him screaming and me setting boundaries of apologizing but also calmly saying that I communicated the best that I felt I could about offering to take it out before being refused. At one point, I just said I’m leaving. He said, "Fuck off then, fucking leave, get out of my house." I did my best to keep my cool and just said, "You treat me like your roomate not your child and you haven’t for a long time."
AITA? Was I over reacting? Is he treating me like a roommate?
Oh my gosh. Kid. That’s what you are, still…a child. You are not a burden. You are doing far more than any child your age is expected to do. Any parent should be proud to have such a hard-working child. This situation is not your fault. You didn’t ask to be born. You didn’t ask your father to have another child. Your father is the one who chose this life, and he is the only one to blame for whatever financial crisis he is in. It’s his job to take care of you and your brother. That is the bare minimum required from a father. And he is completely failing you.
NTA and if I were you, I would go limited contact or no contact whatsoever.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comment, sometimes I worry that I’m overreacting because of the way its really dismissed/encouraged by my step-mom so its reassuring that I’m not being delulu and that its not normal.
I want to cut contact when I leave in the coming year but I’m concerned about still being able to contact my brothers.
Report him to CPS. He has a legal responsibility to provide for you. NTA
I’ve considered emancipation (or calling cps lol) but I know for a fact that he will not allow me any contact with my two brothers, one and 3 weeks, if I do. I think I should probably just wait it out till I graduate, no?
At 17 it is probably easier just to keep your head down and GTFO when you can.
Especially if you are able to save money and prepare yourself for independence.
You can look up your state, but in a lot of cases, there isn’t much CPS can/will do for you upon turning 18. You could possibly get something like college assistance as a result of being in their system though.
I’ll look into it thanks!
Luckily I’m moving to a different country across the world for college so I won’t have to be around him very often, if at all. I’m concerned if I should keep in contact with him to maintain my relationship with my brothers or not at all?
Your brothers are very young and will not remember this part of their lives. Give it some years and then decide based on how your father acts and what your brothers decide for themselves
NTA – a grown man not wanting to take care of his responsibilities is not your fault. He sounds like he only wants to have a family with your one year-old brother and not you not that you’re older. And being a parent doesn’t mean that you stop being a parent after your kid turns a certain age rather they’re one 17 or 47 you’re still a parent. i’m sorry this is happening to you and if it’s feasible, I would see if going with your mom is a better option. If he can’t take accountability for his actions and act like the parent that he’s supposed to be to you, then you don’t need to stay in that environment.
NTA. U don’t realize it yet, but you are waaay ahead of your peers in maturity and responsibility…mostly due to this environment. IMO you are set up for massive success in life.
Thank you I really appreciate it! The silver lining of all of this for sure. It’s definitely taught me how to pay bills, necessities, and manage my personal banking early, which is nice.
NTA – given that you’re living with your dad most of the time, I think it’s safe to say that your mom is more than likely paying your father child support. This is so that the primary parent (your dad, in this case) doesn’t suffer significant financial burden for taking care of the child due to losing income/finances needed for child care due to losing the benefits of a second parent.
And for the record, even if that WEREN’T the case, a parent’s literal job is to provide financial support for the kid at LEAST until they’re a legally recognized adult. You didn’t CHOOSE to be born to this man nor did you have much choice in custody. Your father could get into significant legal trouble if a court were to find out that you’ve been coerced into paying for not just basic essentials, but also food.
However, given you’re old enough to have a job, most courts would also consider you old enough to choose which parent you should live with full time. While it would definitely disrupt your current friend circle and the job you have, it might be better to see if you can move in with your mom permanently. At the very least, you might be able to TRULY save for college instead of putting so much aside for the needs your parent is supposed to provide for you.
My mom was paying child support until about 3 years ago, when my dad offered that if she paid fully for the shuttle fee to go see her then she wouldn’t have to pay child support. He takes major issue with her following through with this which is what I don’t understand, because like you discribe its usually required by law and he is very capable of changing his mind and requesting support. He just chooses not to and holds it over my head instead. Do you think it’s because he doesn’t want to over complicate the relationship ? I honestly don’t understand this.
In my region, I can choose which parent to live with at age 12, for a long time I stayed because of the reasons you mentioned. My high school is letting me graduate early this year, which means I need to stay to finish out my credits so I can move with my mom back to her home city for college. It was very difficult to convince my father to let me graduate early because he finds it “so hard to raise an ambitous child” and doesn’t understand why I can’t be “normal and just finish high school”. Eventually I told him he doesn’t have a choice and I’ll be graduating and moving regardless if he approves or not because, as you said I can chose which parents I can live with.
Ahhh, I see. This really isn’t about the money at all (which I kinda suspected, but still.) It’s control. Over you, over what he can get away with regarding your mother, and it’s just not quite panning out the way he hoped it would. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a lot of lingering resentment towards your mom, and unfortunately, you’re just the closest target.
Don’t pay him any attention. Save what you can (I’m not sure how it works where you’re from and if you have any additional safeguards from him getting access to any of your money. In the USA, bank accounts require a parent or guardian to have control of the account, which unfortunately also means they can pull money out and keep it. I used to have to hide physical cash in weird places), focus on your schoolwork, and get out once you’re able.
You’re not a burden, financial or otherwise. You’re a kid with a shitty dad who’s going to be very surprised in the future when you stop wanting to talk to him, but by then, I’m sure you’ll be living your best life.
These stories always hurt my heart. You’re under 18, so along with “under his control”, you’re also his responsibility to provide for financially. The bright side to his behavior is that you’re way ahead of the game when it comes to adulting, so hopefully you’re able to move out the day you turn 18 and never look back. He’s not a good father or a good man. You should have said way worse to him, and you wouldn’t be an asshole if you did.
So much NTA.