My family didn’t have a ton of money growing up. We certainly weren’t poor but my brother (26M) and I (32M) both went to school on a lot of financial aid and a lot of holes were patched with credit card debt, which generally left the two of us pretty anxious about money growing up. After college I graduated and was lucky to get a good paying job, but my younger brother graduated from college after Covid and even after going to grad school has been having a really hard time finding a good full time job in his field. He’s been working hard in a part time service job that he often has to be at around 5 am, but it’s not enough to live on in NYC even with a roommate.
Luckily, my parents came into some money from a relative passing and have been able to support him and help him pay the rent, which I’ve had no issues with until recently. A few months ago, I learned offhand that my brother was saving and actually had quite a lot in savings. And by a lot, I mean tens of thousands of dollars. I also found out that my parents were supporting him a lot more than I thought. I assumed they were paying part of his rent, but they’re actually paying all of it and then some. I’d been feeling weird about it and finally asked my dad, why he was giving my brother that much in support if he was able to save after paying living expenses and apparently my dad didn’t know he’d been saving. Now I think he’s thinking of reducing the amount my brother gets.
I’ve never gotten money from my parents except for help with a down payment that I repaid them with interest. The thing is I really don’t need help. I have a very comfortable six-figure job that I worked hard to get, but is probably objectively less taxing than my brother‘s job. It feels petty given the circumstances to worry about the money my brother is getting when he’s not being lazy and is certainly not living a life of luxury with it. At the same time, I can’t shake the feeling of something being unfair about my brother getting tens of thousands of dollars a year from my parents in support while I’m getting nothing, even though I really don’t want anything from them.
Now I’m worried that my brother is going to think I’m the AH for getting his support reduced when at the end of the day, the money makes a much bigger difference to him than to me. AITA for not just keeping my mouth shut?
EDIT: I should clarify because I want to give a clear picture of the situation that when I said came into “some money”, I really meant a lot of money. Enough that giving my brother this money isn’t imposing any kind of hardship or burden on them. Doesn’t necessarily change the morality of the situation but didn’t want people thinking that my brother was knowingly imposing any hardship on my parents.
NTA for alerting your parents to the fact that your brother is exploiting them.
It’s a little less than wonderful that you describe this more as an issue of unfairness because of them supporting him but not you.
You’re not wrong. I really don’t love that that was my reaction either.
NTA If your brother actually has tens of thousands in savings he clearly doesn’t need tens of thousands a year from your parents in support. I am sure that he needs some, but clearly not that much.
” I am sure that he needs some.” Why, if he has all that savings?
Well, NTA for telling your dad because it sounds like you brought it up thinking your dad already knew, not with the intention to get your brother in some kind of trouble.
But YTA for thinking it’s unfair because he’s getting money and you’re not. I truly thought your whole line of thinking was going toward something like “it’s unfair because my parents are using their money (after struggling for so long) to support him when he doesn’t actually need the support anymore. *He’s taking advantage of our parents.*” Because that’s how I see it.
Your brother is also TA for not being honest with your parents about his actual financial situation. To me, this is basically stealing. You could look at it like they’re giving him money to pay his bills, and he’s pocketing it instead and using his paycheck to pay bills. Pretty messed up imo, and I’m glad your dad knows now and can adjust how they help your brother moving forward.
And I hope you change your attitude about this and see it as your brother doing a shitty thing instead of being envious of him getting money from your parents *when he also doesn’t need it.*
I’m 100% onboard with you about the actual issue. I’m trying to be honest about my feelings even though I don’t agree with them because they’re a big part of the reason I feel like I might be TA.
Yeah, I get it. It’s hard when you think about something one way, but at the same time know that’s not a good way to think about it. But that second part, where you recognize your feelings and say I don’t agree with that or I want to change my perspective—this is the part that matters and allows introspection to become growth. So, you’re on your way! It can take time to change your perspective on an issue. I think you’ll feel less like TA with more time to process your feelings.
Thanks! Appreciate your response.
Nta. You did a sensible thing asking why. You didn’t tell on him in any way, you weren’t keeping a secret. If your father didn’t know, or reduces aid, that’s not on you.
NTA. Your brother was taking advantage of your parents’ kindness. You would be TA if you didn’t say anything.
This has nothing to do with the facts of the situation, so I won’t put it in the post but my brother is really one of the best people I know. He takes care of friends and family when they’re sick, he leaves his 8 hour shift at his part time job at 8pm to go do 4 hours of unpaid volunteer work at least twice a week, and is just generally a fantastic person. Just don’t want people to form a totally bad image of him from my post.
If it’s not impacting you, leave it alone. Maybe they know. You’re fine, right?
Weigh in on what it’ll cost your relationship with him and them. He knows what he’s doing. You’re saying he’s a great guy. When the time comes, he’ll step up for your parents, will you?
They probably know this about him too. This is none of your business. If your brother never speaks to you again, that’s you.
NAH
I think you parents aren’t AH for helping an adult that’s failed to launch. What they are doing for him now, might set him up better for down the road.
I don’t think you’re the AH for making your parents aware that your brother has a pretty decent size savings for his age (college grad, mid 20s w/ tens of thousands is ahead of many timelines).
I don’t think your parents are AH for finding out this information and wanting to cut back on rent payments and have your brother be more financially independent.
In terms of you mentioning fairness, that’s a gray area, as you’re not in the same circumstances. If you want help ask your parents. Don’t begrudge your brother for feeling comfortable enough to ask your parents for help.