I (30s F) just recently got engaged to my fiancée (30s M). I am so happy I get to marry my best friend, but I also feel slightly cheated out of the whole “engagement thrill” now.
Parents backstory: my mom is a narcissist. She is the primary source of all my anxiety and hates the fact that I am in therapy and setting boundaries. My dad is old school but he and I are usually decently close. He is technically my step-dad but he raised me. This year however he was horrible due to a major surgery. He’s gotten better but it was bad.
My then-boyfriend (now fiancée) and I talked a lot about getting engaged and I knew it was coming. I always felt that asking for a parents permission was icky and outdated, but he wanted to do it so I told him to go for it.
Fast forward a couple of weeks he was deep in figuring out something extremely scary and personal. My parents were on the phone with me and kept asking about the situation. I was trying to be vague because it was none of their business which escalated into a fight. My mom suddenly made a disgusting comment about my fiancée. I snapped and hung up. I didn’t speak to her for a month after that.
I told my fiancée that because of that comment and how my father had been treating us this last year, I didn’t want him asking permission anymore. We compromised and he showed my dad the ring and told him when it was happening. Nothing was said then.
He finally proposed and I was so ecstatic. The only downside was I had anxiety over telling my parents. My fiancee convinced me to tell them asap, and they were super lukewarm about it at the time and afterwards. It hurt a lot but I tried to brush it off. I will admit I am jealous of a lot of the freshly engaged people around me.
It escalated a week ago when I went with my parents to an event (my fiancée stayed home). We got drinks beforehand and my mom started sobbing and saying how disrespectful we are for not asking. She kept saying how she wishes she could bless us but we didn’t do what we were supposed to do (I’m assuming she means asking permission). She also said she would love to help pay for the wedding but won’t because of it (I was never going to ask for help). I felt ambushed and awkward and ended up crying at the venue and going home early. I had also a few days earlier asked her to go dress shopping with me the day after the event but I ended up canceling it because I could not stop crying for days afterwards.
The next day I had a heated phone call with my dad. He said he was disappointed and thinks less of my fiancée as a man. I said I was going no contact with my mom and low contact with him. He said you don’t write off family and at the time I was pretty steadfast but now I’m wavering.
I feel like this whole mess could have been avoided if I just swallowed my pride, but at the same time I’m trying really hard to have boundaries. Please tell me, was I the AH for telling my fiancée to not ask my dad or parents for permission?
NTA. The fact that they reacted this way demonstrates they didn’t deserve to be asked.
If he asked and was told no then you would still be upset now. I think go no contact with Mom forever. She’s never going to be happy or supportive of you.
Have the wedding that you want without Mom and have someone else walk you down the aisle if you want that tradition.
Step dad would be pretty close to no contact for me.
NTA
But you will be Y T A to yourself if you keep on your current path of letting your parents emotionally abuse you and your fiance.
They are not magically going to become the parents you deserve and there’s not a great cure for narcissism.
What they want is attention (and control) so stop giving them that. Don’t pick a fight by saying your going no or lo contact – just be noncommittal and busy, and grey rock them when they want details. Disengaging is probably your only hope for keeping some sanity.
Why are you including your Narcissistic mom in anything? Why are you going to dinner or drinks with them at all? You are the only one who allows them to treat you this poorly. You have to remove yourself from them, you don’t have a choice otherwise your life is going to be pretty miserable. They will ruin any future occasion you have. NTA but an AH to yourself if you don’t set up better boundaries. Look, I know it’s hard as hell to do this. You want your parents to be better people, to show up, to actually treat you properly as their daughter. I come from a line of toxic people so I empathize greatly. My parents mostly broke that cycle but my dad was extremely difficult for many years. I know it’s hard *hugs* but you are strong. You have the power to create a new and beautiful life with your Fiance, please grab your power back and make it! I know you can do this even if you don’t feel up to it right now.
Take time to grieve then gather your strength and block your mom on every platform including her number. Your dad needs to remain LC or go NC if he’s going to continue to emotionally manipulate this situation. He has nobody to be disappointed in but himself for treating his daughter like this.
NTA. Its not the 1800s, you’re both grown adults with your own lives, you shouldn’t need permission to live your life at this age. Also your parents are acting like narcissistic asses, I think its pretty fair to want to disrngage from them and blaming your fiancé is an easy escape because it stops them having to confront their shitty behaviour. Congrats on the engagement. Wishing you both endless happiness and a drama free wedding.
Go on and talk to your therapist, narc and enablers (and your dad is an enabler) will never be fully happy for you.
Your mother is going to try to ruin whatever you do. ANd your dad will just sit on the sidelines and agree.
Plan what you want, set firm boundaries. Don’t include narcs in wedding planning or shopping unless you want to have a mental breakdown, they can’t be happy for anyone.
NTA, you DO write off family when family acts like they should be more important in your life than yourself. Cut them both off, elope, have a great honeymoon
You are NTA but you need to up your therapy appointments. You are letting them treat you so horribly.
I have cut out family permanently for so much less than this. Don’t tolerate that nonsense.
This whole mess could have been avoided if you capitulated again to narcissists and did what other people demand of you instead of what you want to do. And it would have created a whole new mess.
Some distance sounds like an excellent idea.
You are NTA but you could use some therapy.
NTA.
OP, ur mom sounds exhausting. She insults ur fiancé one moment but the is sobbing over not giving blessings the next. OP, with what ur mom put u through (being the primary cause of ur anxiety and has an issue with u seeing a therapist and setting boundaries) I’m surprised u are willing to stay in contact with her. Please don’t waver, stay low contact and no contact with ur dad and mom respectively
Ur dad is no better neither. It really seems like he just follows his wife and feels how she feels (hence his comments about ur fiancé) and letting what his wife say and do slide
Tell them your fiance did the most important thing, he honored YOUR wishes. That comes above anything having to do with them and always should. If they can’t respect that it’s on them. People who want respect of being included in the way they wanted have to behave in a way that earns that respect. Set boundaries now and let the know you’re not going to put up with them complaining to you about this or others and they’re not ruining this so if the want to be included they better pull it together or they’re going to run wild with it.
NTA read your post back as if a stranger wrote it. Read how much stress/drama/hurt that the parents in the post are causing their child (you). Would you want this for a stranger? You are an adult now, you’re about to start a family. How much more of your life are you going to let these two ruin because your family isn’t a sitcom one. They aren’t going to learn their lesson at the end of the episode and apologize then you all hug. The sooner you get that, and mourn that imaginary family. Then you can focus on your joys and exciting new changes to life.
Your mom was never going to help pay for the wedding, she made that part up after. NTA