I (41M) have a 15 year old son. Me and his mom broke up when he was 8, and I’ve been dating my fiancée for almost 4 years. I have primary custody of him, and I moved to a different city before he started 9th grade. So he goes to school in my city. He’s in 10th grade now.
Obviously moving high schools is tough, but I didn’t think it’d be too bad for my son. I think he’s pretty social, and he plays sports for the school and is in a few clubs. Recently, my fiancee has been bothering me about how my son doesn’t go out with friends often (or at all she says), and I’ve asked him about it and he says it’s not a big deal. So that’s that. But she won’t drop the topic, because she thinks it’s not "healthy" for him.
Yesterday, my fiancee brought up the topic again, and I told her maybe she should mind her business on *my* kids’ social life. She called me a dick and now she is giving me the cold shoulder.
AITA? I don’t think I am because i have repeatedly told her that it’s not a problem.
There isn’t enough information to go on here. You ask a 15-year old anything and they are going to answer what they think you want to hear to get you to stop talking to them.
Does your son really have no friends? Does he really not go out? Have you even noticed?
I’m leaning toward YTA because your financee may be reading the situation way better than you are. But it’s a bit hard to answer definitively given your post.
Time to take your son out for a drive. I’ve always found teenagers engage better when not forced to make eye contact. Sat next to each other in a car both looking forward gives them an opportunity to express themselves without being obviously perceived.
I don’t think step mum is getting at son. I think she has valid concerns and it’s unfair to dismiss them like this. I think OP is defending his son because he sees her concern as criticism. Think there needs to be some open communication in a few different directions. NAH OP could have handled things better but I understand his initial defensive response.
YTA unless there’s more to this it sounds like your kid’s future stepmom is worried about him? If she were trying to force him out or create new rules or something I could understand your reaction, but this sounds like you don’t want her to think about him at all. It’s a bit weird to bring someone into a kid’s life then get mad that they actually care about the kid.
NAH. Just don’t be surprised when the time comes when you ask her to do something that a mom would typically do like drop him off at school in the morning, and she says she’s going to mind her own business instead.
And she would have every right to. Can’t pick and choose when you want your future Wife to be your son’s “Mom”, man.
Was looking for a NAH. She might be worrying unnecessarily and that might be annoying, but genuine interest in the boy’s welfare shouldn’t be met with hostility. Talk about it, see what’s going on.
I don’t know. A father blowing off his teenager’s mental health because the kid said he is ok isn’t solid parenting said as a parent whose kid said she was fine but wasn’t.
YTA. It seems like it comes from a place of concern not like she’s teasing him over it. Highschool is tough, both of you should be looking out for signs of depression in any kids you’re involved with. Sports and clubs aren’t really socialization, coming from someone who was in a bunch of both. Those are for school. You can’t bring someone in your kids life and expect them not to speak if they’re concerned. She clearly cares for your son and you told her to fuck off.
INFO- Did he go out with friends in his last school?
If he did, he could be having issues adjusting. Maybe your fiancée sees a difference in the way he’s acting and is concerned.
If this how you respond when she is bringing her concern to your attention YTA.
I’m going with YTA for now (though we may not have all the information). Does fiancee live with you? Does she have input on his life? Does she help out with him – laundry, discipline, carpool, cooking? How is this going to look when you get married?
It sounds like fiancee brought up a possible valid concern – teenager, new school, no/few friends- and your response is to ask your 15 year old if everything is ok and leave it at that? Tell fiancee to mind her business? Is your son not also her business?
Apologize to her, sit then, and listen to her concerns. Talk to son’s other parent and school, see if other people share this concern.
Why do people love letting their significant other help out with their kids and then snap at them with the “my child” line anytime they dont agree.
You don’t know it yet, but you just blew it with her. You just let her know how unimportant she is.
Yup. I’m an almost step parent and this would end our relationship. I’m not going deeper w someone who doesn’t see me fit to even speak to about the kid I’m also caring for.
As others have said, there’s some missing info.
Your son may not want to get in-depth about his social life – it’s a teenager thing. Or he may be completely happy with how things are.
Your fiancee may notice things you don’t. But she may also be overcompensating on his behalf.
But YTA for reacting to her how you did. Regardless of your interpretation her intentions, it should have been a thoughtful, civil conversation, not a mine vs yours pissing contest.