I have tried to make this fit into 3k characters & failed 3x, so let’s try this again! š¤£
So, for context, I (35f) have a friend (33f – who I will call Jane) that I used to be best friends with for nearly 20 years, but I have not been close to in about 10+ years. We have mutual "friend", who is someone I have very little history with but she has a LOT of history with, who fairly recently went through something traumatic.
For more context, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, better known as Mormon, and Jane is a former member. We grew up in the Church together, but she left over 10+ years ago (yes, around the time we started drifting apart). I provide this context because, over the years, Jane has been "searching for answers", and the conclusions she has come to are – in my opinion – kind of insane. She talks constantly about how she can see demons everywhere, how they always talking to her through other people to bring her down & she won’t give the time of day to any church that doesn’t perform regular exorcisms, or speak in tongues (like falling flat on your face and babbling nonsense kind of thing), and constantly says she is waiting for God to reach into her life and guide her like she has felt He has done before.
SO, when she finds out about the struggle this mutual friend is going through, she immediately tries to contact him. No, well, let me be more clear about that – she Facebook & YouTube stalks him & ends up finding out where he works and directly calling the number to talk to him through his work.
Regardless of how she ends up talking to him again, she does, and she proceeds to tell me that he is clearly in a dark place, and "needs our help". She says she has been talking to him, trying to gauge "how ready he is to accept Jesus into his life" (the man is an avid Atheist, always has been), and wants ME to contact him as well, because now he seems to be avoiding her messages (gee, I wonder why??), and she’d worried about him.
Now, here is where I might be the a-hole? Idk. I said sure. I am a bit of a people pleaser, she is an old friend, and I have never been good about telling anyone what I might actually think of their beliefs (because that’s none of my business, believe what you want!). And I feel like if I say "no, I’m not going to do that", then I will have to explain WHY I won’t do that.
It’s not that I don’t care about our mutual friend! I do! But from what I have seen of his YouTube videos, he looks to be doing just fine. And I have NEVER been that one to preach to or push religion on ANYONE, especially when I am already very well aware of their preferences. I DID send a message to this mutual friend after the traumatic incident he went through, because he posted about it on YouTube, and I offered condolences & support if he needed it, but his response was basically a like & a "thanks". Like I said, we were never really close? But maybe I am using that as an excuse. Idk. So AITA?
(edited to add paragraphs! Figured it out haha)
Ok Iām gonna be real, the workplace call alone wouldāve had me side eyeing hard. Thatās wild behavior. If heās avoiding her, thatās probably intentional.
You sent condolences. He acknowledged it. Boom, done. You donāt need to force some spiritual intervention he didnāt ask for. This isnāt about you not caring, itās about respecting boundaries. So no, not the AH.
It seems to me your friend is using you to help carry out her own agenda.
Why should you buy into it? Itās not your job to follow her directives. Who made her in charge of someone elseās mental health, when that person hasnāt even reached out or showed interest in having her involved in their life? Much less evangelize to him.
There is nothing wrong with you sending him a message online or texting him and just letting him know you are thinking of him and hope all is going well, if you feel thatās appropriate. If you donāt, then forget it.
As for your pushy friend, seems she has a problem with boundaries – your mutual friendās as well as yours. Is she really a good friend or just someone who is in the background of your life due to history?
In any case, you are NTA but your friend sounds like she is.
She is really just in the background due to history. We reconnected recently at her mother’s funeral, of all things. Her family and my family were extremely close growing up, we were not only a part of the same Church but both of our families also homeschooled, but she quickly became the “black sheep” of her family once she moved out – her family is on the EXTREME side of our religion. I won’t get into any of it, but basically I have rarely or never agreed with how they interpret certain things. So I didn’t blame her ONE BIT when she left the Church, but then she went… extremely the other way. Drugs became a big issue for her. Pretty sure she messed herself up pretty bad a few times. She got clean, which is one of the reasons I won’t say anything about how she lives her life now, her religious beliefs are totally her own thing and whatever works for her works, end of story. But I don’t like that she is now borderline obsessive over this old friend of ours and wants to drag me into it when I am not comfortable with it, and she seems to think I should also want to bring him to Jesus. I don’t. š„²š Never been my thing. But I feel like I shouldn’t have told her “yes, I will talk to him”. Because I just wanted her to leave me alone about it. I worry that she might feel attacked if I tell her “no, I’m not doing that” or that I don’t want to continue our friendship. It’s just a very awkward position for me to be in, and I felt guilty that I said I would do something I had no intention of doing.
So, religious acquaintance wants you to contact an atheist acquaintance whoās going through a hard time, because the former thinks the latter needs a god in their life, and the latter is avoiding the former.
You said you would do so, though you donāt want to.
Dear me.
Write to your troubled acquaintance again, apologise for bothering them, and warn them that your religious acquaintance is after them, and tell them that you will report back that the troubled acquaintance is fine, needs no additional support, and wants no further contact whatsoever.
Ask if this is an ok thing to do.
Then do that, and tell the religious acquaintance that that is the end of it. Have nothing more to do with them and shut down all further attempts to harass this poor person.
YWBTA for continuing to be a āpeople pleaserā ie cowardly condoning this harassment by the religious acquaintance.
Edited for typos, clarity.
Okay, see, I did think about doing that! Because I felt terrible that my old friend is hounding him, but I felt awkward trying to contact him and start that conversation. I think I needed to hear someone else confirm that that would be the best thing to do in this situation. So thank you, for basically saying exactly what I was thinking.
It has been weeks since my friend started all of this, but she recently sent me a big long rant about the demons in her life again (because some guy who used to be in prison, apparently, gave her “puppy dog eyes” so therefore she is once again under attack and she was ranting that her pastor wouldn’t kick this man out of their congregation… yeah…..), and she followed it up with “BTWs, I am still worried about X, have you been messaging him?” and I just left it on read š„² I hate confrontation, but I don’t feel it’s right to subject anyone to her… behavior. Least of all someone who is actually going through something the way he is.
I think another layer is that I feel guilty about all of this to begin with because I am the reason Jane found out about what happened with our mutual friend in the first place. He had made a YouTube video about it, but she wasn’t even following him (something I didn’t know at the time), and I brought it up in a random conversation with her where we were discussing old friends (because she recently moved back to our old hometown). Oops. š© But I had no idea it would lead to her going psycho about him needing Jesus, sheesh…
You donāt need to have a conversation with the troubled friend, mostly because I really doubt he wants to have one. Just tell him what youāre going to do. No need to ask for his input.
How you continue to deal with your religious friend is another matter, but leaving them on Read after a rant seems fair. No more of you being her messenger though.
Good luck.
Your post would be SO much easier to read with some spaces/paragraphs
I thought I did, but they all went away when I actually posted? And then the bot had the audacity to tell me the same thing š¤£š I have learned double spacing seems to be the way to make it work. My apologies! This is my first real post. š„²
I figured out how to edit it! š¤£ Lookit me, bein’ all techy & competent. š …. Do I get a gold star? šāØ
Edit: OMG I GOT AN ACTUAL GOLD STAR I didn’t know that was a thing, I WAS JOKING š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ lmfao š©·
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Nah youāre not the AH. Jane is basically asking you to do her spiritual heavy lifting, and the dudeās an atheist. You already checked in in a normal, human way. Thatās more than enough. Youāre not obligated to preach someone into salvation just because she thinks itās urgent.
YTA for being dismissive of other religions as nonsense when you partake in your own brand of nonsense. Couldnāt read the rest. Learn to use paragraphs.
YWBTA if you contact this person. Grow a shiny spine and tell your friend the person wants to be left alone and so do you .
“A shiny spine” š¤£šāØ Love that lmao But yes, I think that is what I should do š„² It’s difficult because we have been friends for sooooo long, but I haven’t been able to relate to her in over a decade. I think I just have to come to terms with the fact that this friendship has been on life support for much too long. š©