I (27f) have a friend, “Lindsey” (27f), who I’ve known since highschool. When my daughter was born two years ago, I asked her to be the godmother. At the time my husband was deployed overseas, and Lindsey was around a lot. She helped me get through that period more than anyone else besides my family. She’d come over when I was overwhelmed, help with things around the house and kept me company. I was grateful for her.
My husband is home now and things are more normal, but Lindsey is still very involved with my daughter. I’ve never had an issue with that. I like that my kid has people who love her.
A few weeks ago we were at a BBQ with family and friends. Lindsey was holding my daughter and talking about how much time they spend together. Then she said something about how my daughter needs someone who’s “actually around all the time” and joked that since I work a lot, maybe she should handle more of the “real parenting stuff.” I felt extremely embarrassed and shut down a little after that. Especially since it was in front of other people. I didn’t say anything in the moment. I left feeling embarrassed and annoyed and unsure if I was overreacting.
A couple days later I texted her and told her it bothered me. She didn’t really apologize. She said she loves my daughter and that being a godparent means stepping in when needed, especially since she supported me so much when my husband was gone. That response made it worse, because it felt like she was justifying what she said instead of understanding why it crossed a line. I never asked her to co parent. I asked her to be a godmother. Those aren’t the same thing.
I eventually told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with her continuing in that role if she couldn’t respect boundaries around my role as my child’s godparent. I said we might need some space. She hasn’t replied.
Some friends think I went too far and think that it’s not that deep Others think what she said was out of line and that I was right to shut it down.
I feel conflicted because she helped me through a really hard time and I don’t think she meant to hurt me. But I also don’t think gratitude means I have to ignore something that made me uncomfortable. I’m also conflicted on starting to distance myself from her, my husband thinks that that’s what’s best, but I don’t know. She’s been there with me the so much but I’m starting to find her behaviour weird.
NTA what she said was really weird you were right to shut that down you are the parent not her
While the way she talked about the situation was overly praising herself (I don’t necessarily see it as putting you down since ur husband was also away working), think you ought to question yourself whether you were very dependent on her.
If you cut her off but actually need her a lot, you are going to have a terrible time the next time your husband is away.
Would have been better to gracefully take it on the chin and thank her for helping as godparent, instead of being sensitive. Some people are just tactless but their hearts are good.
She was insulting both you and your husband by referring to you as absentee and negligent parents. I do not think there was anything wrong with calling her out on what she said and asking for space. Your friend has become unhealthily enmeshed with your daughter. Your husband’s opinion should matter more than other friends because it is he you are married to and this is his daughter. NTA
“I never asked her to co parent. I asked her to be a godmother.”
You did welcome her involvement though and it doesn’t seem like you think she ever overstepped, only that you didn’t like how she spoke about your involvement as a parent.
She’s an AH for shaming you in public for being a working mom seemingly to make herself look good. Stepping up to help with your child only to criticise you for accepting that help is low.
That said, maybe you’re hurt because she touched on some insecurities? It’s not uncommon to feel guilty for needing or accepting help, but it’s good to have that help and she seems to be dependable (her response to your text is not wrong)
NTA, but tell her directly that 2 things are true 1) you appreciate and are grateful for her help 2) talking about how she helps you by making you look like an absent mom whose kid is lucky to have her is not ok. It doesn’t seem like you want her role to change, only that she doesn’t badmouth you for counting on her, which is more than reasonable. If she can agree to that, hopefully things should be ok
Edit: typo
Yes, though I read it as her playing “dad”, not “mom”. As in, she was the second parent while dad was gone.
A tone deaf, rude, and hurtful comment for sure. She should have apologized when OP brought it up.
And, OP should be having an in person heart to heart with her. If they are as close as she says they are, if she’s as involved in her daughter’s life as she says she is, then they can have this conversation.
Besides, can you even strip a godparent title? Don’t you need some equivalent of an annulment? It’s not some badge, it’s a religious commitment blessed by the lord. And, is cutting her out actually what’s best for her daughter?
I’ll reserve judgement.
it kind of sounds like she’s right about how involved she’s been, and you were fine with her help with your kid until she put words to it. ESH
It’s so weird here how many of you think it’s normal to be an asshole to your friend. I often forget how any of you are like 13 years old.
What she said was completely inappropriate. However with the length of your friendship and the amount of help she’s given you I think it would be worth it to try and have an in person conversation about this before you completely cut ties
What SPECIFIC godparent boundary did she overstep? She obviously loves your daughter and it seems like she was really there when you needed her. The only thing you mention is a comment she made that made you feel self conscious.
YTA. Good luck doing it on your own next time.
Both of you are a little bit the AH. My question did it bother you because you felt like she being demeaning or because you felt guilty for being able to be with your daughter as much as you would like.?Being a parent, and part of te work force topped off with a spouse thaw as delayed is a lot. It also sounds like your friend really cares about your daughter. I think in person conversation is what you two need. Texting and written word lose so much of communication. 93% to be exact. There is no tone or inflection and more importantly body language. Have a real talk before cutting everything off. The range may already be done but hopefully a talk and strangest things out.
No, she was definitely entering into some weird territory there. It is probably good that you quickly picked up and established a very clear boundary.
YTA. She was a co parent when your husband was gone. We all know this. We all know you relied on her. Now you got your feelings hurt because what she said hit a guilt nerve. Guilt for working so much. So when you needed her, it was ok. Now that you dont, you got upset. Your were lucky to have someone who loves your child as much as you but now you damaged that. Hope you wont need her again because what you said was hurtful
ESH. It sounds like Lindsey is overstepping her role. She basically said you should give her your daughter to raise since you’re working. That’s some high class Bull Honkey. And shaming you publicly is low class horse piss.
You don’t sound upset with the amount of help she gives you or your daughter. You probably need her help. It’s fricking hard as frack to be a working mom. That’s where I think you’re a bit of the AH. You welcome her behavior but not her words.
Yes, shut that crap down. Thank her, truly, for being a rockstar and you couldnt have gotten through everything without her. Plus, daughter must love her! But you are her mother. Have a clear conversation with her. You love her but you are mommy. Husband is daddy. That has to be clear going forward. Ask her what’s in her head. Is she truly thinking she should raise your daughter?
She overstepped in what she said and it was hurtful. I might have gone off like nuke if someone said that to me! There is no shame in being a working mom. And you need your village so long as they aren’t taking your house, so to speak. If she’s looking at you like you’re a bad mom, then you need to cut ties. She might start planning a sleepover where you can’t get your daughter back!
It would be tragic to lose a friend that’s really been there for you all. Talk to her.
ETAH – She should be more sensitive in the way she says things, but to remove someone from your daughters life who clearly loves her due to your own insecurities and her using poor choice of words sounds harsh. Draw a boundary, tell her that wasn’t ok, and ask her not to talk like that in the future and explain why it was hurtful, I feel like there was miscommunication and it was immaturely handled. You dont want to remove someone who loves your daughter and vice versa from her life because of one night of saying stupid shit, especially if alcohol was involved. Also, most military guys dont handle social conflicts very well…. I might be wrong, but I’m just saying, haha.