I’ve been close with my friend for years, and I’m honestly at my limit. She’s been single for about three years and dates constantly. Every breakup is apparently the guy’s fault. They’re intimidated, they’re broke, they’re insecure, they’re not masculine enough, they don’t “step up.” I’ve listened to the same speech over and over. The thing is I’ve watched how she dates.
She’s hypercritical from the start. If a guy doesn’t text the exact way she likes, he’s low effort. If he doesn’t pay for everything, he’s “dusty.” If he shows emotion too soon, she says it gives her the ick. If he doesn’t plan something extravagant early on, he’s not serious. She says she wants a provider, but also someone emotionally intelligent, but also dominant, but also soft, but also obsessed with her but not clingy. It’s like the requirements change every week. The other night she was complaining about a guy she dumped because his birthday dinner for her wasn’t “special enough” after six weeks. She went on a rant about how men just can’t handle a woman like her.I told her Maybe it’s that she’s exhausting to date and no one actually likes her personality once they get to know her. She just stared at me. Then she said I was jealous, bitter, and secretly happy she’s single. She said real friends hype each other up, not tear each other down.I probably could have worded it better, but I also feel like someone had to say it. [defective.Now](http://defective.Now) she’s not speaking to me.
AITA?
You’re kind ot TA because of how you chose to say it. If you actually wanted her to listen and accept the criticism then that was seriously the wrong way to go about it. I think you said it bluntly on purpose because you’re tired of listening and dealing with her blaming all the men she’s dating for the problems in her dating life. That being said it doesn’t seem like you want to repair the relationship and you should probably decide if you value this friendship at all.
YTA. There were a hundred better ways to phrase what you said, and it probably felt like a totally unexpected betrayal because it sounds like you’ve been silently judging her for a long time.
You could have started with “Maybe you don’t give the people you date enough slack to be human,” instead of literally ripping her to shreds.
NTA. Bad friends hype each other up when the hype is not warranted. Good friends give honest constructive criticism. The last thing she needs is an echo chamber reinforcing her shitty behavior.
With that said , it doesn’t sound like you got to the constructive criticism part because she got hyper defensive. She doesn’t want to know her flaws- she wants to believe everyone else is the problem.
“No one likes your personality” is not constructive criticism, it’s just criticism.
YTA
Saying “no one likes your personality” is just cruel.
You’re not actually wrong, it’s how you said it. She needs honesty, yes, but there were much better ways to say it.
Saying it directly to someone who’s obviously too narcissistic to understand it any other way is cruel?
You are the reason people get confused and entitled.
“Saying it directly to someone who’s obviously too narcissistic to understand it any other way is cruel?” Where did you read that she understood it when said directly? There is nothing that can be said to a narcissist person that they would hear.
Secondly, saying things “directly” is different from saying this like “nobody likes you”, which is untrue and just plain cruel. Directly would have been “Idk if you’ve noticed but, you have very high and impossibly changing expectations. It’s impossible to fulfill them. It’s probably also exhausting and confusing to try to read your mind and keep you happy. As a friend, I worry you’ll be alone for the rest of your life if you don’t learn how to accept that people aren’t perfect and relationships take a lot of communication”.
INFO: Why are you friends with this person? It sounds like you don’t like her. I mean, you literally told her that no one likes her personality. Why would you want to be friends with someone you don’t like?
In my opinion there are different levels to friends. Some you can spend a long time with and all is good. But then there are friends that you like, but you still see different aspects that may not concern you directly, but could be bad for others. Especially, when dating. I dated a girl a few years ago and we ended it rather quickly, but became pretty good friends. But now that i know her better she has some very “special” behavious when it comes to dating. Honestly she is kinda OPs friend. Expects impossibly high standards but gives barely anything in return.
As a friend you kinda have different things that are important.
Agree 100% I absolutely love the personality of some of my friends whom I would find a nightmare to date.
Some people are a lot to deal with, or are intense, or very opinionated, so they are fun to hang out with sometimes, but not someone I could handle daily and be a good partner myself.
ESH not sure why you’re “friends” with someone that you don’t actually like. And she’s right true friends lift each other up, not tear them down.
That being said she does indeed sound exhausting and high maintenance.
So again, I’m not sure why you’d be “friends” with someone you don’t like
> And she’s right true friends lift each other up, not tear them down.
Only to an extent. True friends Also tell the Emperor when he’s wearing no clothes. Otherwise he’ll continue parading around naked, thinking he’s in Brioni.
Granted, OP seems to actively dislike her friend – but I would too, and would’ve spoken up much sooner. Probably the first time any of those listed opinions came up.
In more polite language, though. Probably.
You’re right, but the truth isn’t that “no one likes her personality”. What isn’t working is her impossibly high standards. Saying “no one likes you” is hardly constructive, truthful feedback.
ESH It sounds like you do need a break from her as she does sound exhausting. You probably didn’t need to say it the way you did.
One of the most important skills in life are soft skills. The art of telling someone off, without them even realizing it, is a skill that pays off in dividends. People with strong soft skills make more money than average.