My husband and I have been together for several years and married for one. When I moved in, I moved into his long-standing family setup. He has lived on this property for 13 years. His grandmother lives in the larger lower-level unit, and we live in the smaller upper unit. It functions like a split-level duplex, but he always refers to it as “one house,” even though it’s really two separate living spaces connected.
When I first moved in, there wasn’t enough room upstairs, so my son had to sleep downstairs in his grandmother’s unit. He shared a bedroom with my stepson. I hated the setup, but at the time I didn’t feel like I had the power to demand changes.
Once we got married, I told my husband I was no longer comfortable with my son living on a different floor, especially in someone else’s space. I didn’t want him to feel like I was choosing my stepdaughter over him or that Grandma’s house was his “real” home instead of being with me.
On top of that, his grandmother does not respect me, my rules, or my boundaries as a parent. She gives the kids whatever they want, overrides me constantly, and treats the kids like they’re hers. She sees her house as the primary home, and everything I try to set as a parent gets undone the minute they’re with her.
Now I’m pregnant, and we are completely out of space. We need an actual family home with privacy, consistency, and boundaries. I suggested two possible solutions:
1. We switch houses with his grandmother so we can have the bigger space, or
2. We switch houses with his parents across the street.
Every time I try to talk about boundaries, my husband says he “doesn’t understand” what I mean and thinks I’m overreacting. But I feel like we’ve been living in his family’s world for years and I’ve just had to adapt. I want our own home, our own routines, and to raise our kids without interference.
So I told him that I no longer want to live under the same roof (or same building) as his grandmother. I need a separate, private home environment for our family. He acts like I’m being unreasonable for wanting to move or change the setup.
AITA for saying I won’t continue living under the same roof as his grandmother?
i know it’s a lot easier said than done but have you considered … not living with his family and getting an apartment or a condo of your own? and maybe not uprooting his parents or grandmother from their homes?
This isnt a them problem to fix. Its a you problem to fix. You need to find somewhere you want to live and husband either comes with you or he doesn’t. Neither his parents nor grandparents are required to uproot their lives to suit your needs. But you can.
NTA for not wanting to live there.
The time to have this conversation was before marriage and kids not after. In a comment you said your husbands first wife left in part because this – how did you not see this coming? Did you think he would uproot everything for you even though he didn’t for the ex-wife?
I don’t understand what is keeping you attached to his family’s properties. Personally, I would never agree to move into a multigenerational shared family property. As long as this is the arrangement, you will never have control of your privacy, the way other folks interact with your kids, what you can do with the space you have (rearranging, renovations, etc).
I think it was very naive to move into his family’s home and expect to have any control. Husband is obviously very happy with the current arrangement which is why he cannot wrap his head around the problems/stress you’re experiencing.
YTA solely for pushing your son to a separate unit / subjecting him to living with strangers. I would, very literally, never forgive my parent if they did that to me. Completely failed to put your child’s needs first. Selfish and shameful.
why would you bring another child into this mess when it hasnt been resolved on any level???
I guess I’m not sure what you expected here, he refused to move for his last wife, you moved in knowing this was the setup, married him knowing the setup then chose to have a baby with him knowing the setup. NTA for not wanting to live like that, but I think you’ll struggle to get him to change.
ESH. Your living space is so inadequate your son has to share a bedroom in SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE, and the two of you get pregnant???
You should *absolutely* tell your husband to stir his stumps and provide decent accommodation for his growing family. And let his poor grandmother have her space back.
Your son was already living in the downstairs “separate residence,” and you weren’t happy with that, right? So, your solution was to get pregnant and create yet another child that you know you do not have room to house?
You and your husband need to get yourselves together and find a home that is comfortable and has space for all of the children, including the one you are expecting. You should not assume that moving other family members around from residence to residence like musical chairs is a valid answer to the dilemma that you and your husband (and not grandmother or his parents) created. I apologize for not understanding why people have more children when they don’t have enough room for the ones they already have or not enough money or resources to properly care for the ones they have. Then, there’s an expectation that everyone around them turns their lives upside down to accommodate the less-than-ideal decision making that others have done. (Not directing the comment re $ to OP.) But, I don’t understand why solving your current dilemma involves anyone else but you and your husband.
ESH.
It sounds like all of these problems were in place way before you married, and you stepped into it anyway.
YTA for moving your son into a home where there wasn’t space for him. You fucked up waaaaay back when you chose this man and his enmeshed family to join. Now you want to change things, but your husband has never, ever, given any indication that this change was something he would ever want or support. You wanted to be with him so badly that you chose not to think about how this would affect your children in the future.
YTA. You were already unhappy with living arrangements for everyone especially the child you brought into this, so…naturally you decide to bring another one into it?
“For some reason I moved myself and son into a house that I hate and hate the room setup and pretend that there are / were no other options. It’s been crowded and there’s not enough room and I’m not happy living here but my husband who obviously never had an intention of leaving doesn’t want to leave. I’m unhappy living here and in an unhappy marriage so we decided to have another kid!”
YTA why did you move in there in the first place? Did you actually communicate to your husband that the setup wouldn’t work long term and eventually want to move out? wtf is your plan when you have a whole new kid in the house?
Learn how to think things through. This is a situation you put yourself in.
ESH but…
Why did you move into a situation you were unhappy with, then double-down and marry yourself into that family’s dynamic… and then triple-down and get pregnant?
Sorry OP but it sounds like you’ve made a series of poor life choices and are now facing the consequences of them.
Exactly – there isn’t room for your child yet you are pregnant with another child – how did you think that was going to work out?
Stop with the foolish decisions – marrying someone you apparently don’t know very well and not having a discussion about the future living arrangements and then getting pregnant despite having your son live in a separate house. OP, you need to think before you make life altering decisions.