I(34F) normally do all the Christmas shopping for mine and my husband’s families because my husband (36M) works longer hours than I do. We have two children, and I am currently on maternity leave with the youngest. Because money is tighter this year due to the new baby, I asked my husband to please suggest to his brother that we want to only do gifts for the kids this year (they also have children) so please don’t buy us anything, and we won’t get anything for them. For other family members (eg our parents, and other siblings) who don’t have children we would be doing gifts as normal.
My husband doesn’t want to, because he thinks it’ll come across as cheap and that it’s also unfair since we’re buying other siblings gifts. I think that it’s perfectly fair, since they don’t have to get us anything either and the kids still get gifts. Husband is saying that it’s easier if I just get the gifts…the trouble is, it always takes such a long time to find things within our budget and having two fewer presents to have to buy would also really help my stress levels and time, as well as financial concerns.
WIBTA if I refuse to buy anything for BIL and SIL and then if my husband doesn’t say anything to them, he can be the one that has to buy a gift?
EDIT: A few people have suggested secret Santa – I would LOVE to do that. I think it would be so much better to say everyone gets one person a £100 gifts rather than getting everyone a £15-20 gift. I have suggested it to my husband every year for the past few years. But he refuses to suggest it to his family.
Regarding the idea of just saying only adults – again, I would definitely be up for that but I KNOW his mum would still buy us stuff, and then we’d feel bad because we hadn’t got her anything, and then there would be questions about WHY we weren’t buying anything, and it would just be awkward.
EDIT: For context, we don’t do big family Christmas with his family. We’d do a doorstep present exchange with BIL and SIL a few days before Christmas, possibly have the kids in for a bit to play, then the kids would all open the gifts on Christmas morning in our own houses before family is even involved. We probably wouldn’t even see them Christmas day.
You wouldn’t be the asshole. Asking to only exchange kids’ gifts is totally reasonable when money and time are tight, and it’s fair because it reduces the burden for both households. If your husband refuses to communicate the change but still expects the gifts, it’s fair that he take responsibility for buying them himself.
ESH
I hate your solution. Either no adults get gifts or all do. Single out parents of children as not worthy of receiving gifts is completely unfair and makes you an AH.
Your husband should share in the mental load of gift buying. He shouldn’t be foisting all of this on you. If anything, he should be handling all the gifts for this family. After all, he know them better. That makes him an AH.
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For what it’s worth, in my family, the adults do a secret santa exchange. We each get the name of one adult and buy just one gift. The kids get gifts from everyone.
It’s kinda funny he’s worried about looking “cheap” but not worried about you stressing yourself out hunting for presents you literally said you can’t afford. If he insists, let him do the shopping.
Right? If he’s that worried about it, he can be the one running around buying stuff. You already said you’re tapped out.
Your brother- and sister-in-law might be totally fine with the idea. That’s less pressure on them to buy gifts as well. I think maybe it’s your husband’s pride a bit? Having to admit, at least to himself, that money is tight and he sure doesn’t want to admit that to his brother? I mean, what is his excuse going to be?
Lol it’s easier FOR HIM if you buy the gifts. Tell him you can’t buy gifts this year for anyone other than him and your own child. If it’s actually important he’ll step up, but he’s clearly not valuing your time equally right now and this will only get worse as the kids grow up.
But give him a budget and make him stick to it!
You say that you usually do all the Christmas shopping “because your husband works longer hours than you do”.
No. It’s because gift buying and other aspects of kin keeping are boring, time consuming and thus WOMENS WORK. Your husband has offloaded the responsibility to you to find interesting, thoughtful gifts for all his family that are also within budget but don’t make you “look cheap” because he doesn’t want to have to bother.
Hand back this responsibility. He is now in charge of gifts for his side of the family, you are in charge of gifts for your own.Do not budge on this. I’m serious.
This is the correct answer. Unfortunately.
You WNBTA for enforcing him to abide by what you have requested, if the reasons behind are exactly as stated. But THIS, Is the underlying problem and why he doesn’t do the equal share. Something I’ve witnessed my mother do, for both of her long term relationships for my 36 years. It becomes HER position.
Exactly. I adamantly refused from day one to be responsible for anyone’s gifts/Christmas/birthday/cards outside of my own family.
His family, his labor
We had the same dilemma when all the siblings started having kids and the family sizes exploded. One year we bought gifts only for the kids and everyone was fine. The next year I suggested family gifts and everyone loved that idea. Board games, gift cards to the movies or bowling, etc. It was fun. Now that everyone’s older, there is a polyanna for the kids (who range in age from 15-22) so they really have fun with picking items and gag gifts. The adults do a polyanna of restaurant gift cards so they get a nice night out to dinner at a place they have never been before. It is possible to save money while not excluding people or coming across as cheap.
Why not do what my family does and do secret santa? That way we in,y buy for the underage children 2 adults. Makes it easier and cheaper. We have a limit for the budget of no more than $100 no less than $70 for everyone including the children. The only other adults we buy for are own partners. Although my husbands family doesn’t do this,
NTA and honestly, you should never be buying someone else’s family gifts. If he cares, he’ll do it.
NTA. When he said it’s “easier” he meant for him, not for you or your finances.