My ex, Matt, and I have 3 daughters, Zoey (10), Kenzie (6), and Paige (5). We share 50/50 custody of the girls. 3 years ago, he married Julie.
Kenzie is autistic with very high support needs. She has a 1-1 aide at school and receives speech and OT services multiple times a week.
It is nearly impossible to get Kenzie to sleep. She likes small, tight spaces so she still has a toddler bed, even though she’s clearly growing out of it, she needs to be tucked in so tight that I don’t think she can move, then she needs her weighted blanket on top of that, then her fluffy blanket, then all of her stuffies need to get in the bed with her. Then we read the same 3 stories, turn on the night light, and turn on her sound machine, which just plays twinkle twinkle little star instrumental all night. Her entire routine takes at least an hour from the time I get her in bed.
Matt got tired of Kenzies bedtime routine so he started putting Kenzie in his bed between him and Julie. I only found out when Kenzie refused to get in her bed at my house. I gave in because if Kenzie doesn’t sleep, nobody sleeps, and it’s just ridiculous. They‘re giving her warm milk before bed, which means we’re back in pull ups at night. She also only sleeps with her head buried in my chest and when I brought it up to Matt, Julie just laughed and said “yeah, she’s been doing that here too”. Then we do 1 book, I’m supposed to pat her back, and she’s out. It’s much faster but I’m not putting her in my bed every night.
I tried talking to Matt about this being unsustainable but he‘s refusing to go back to her old routine so I told him that Kenzie will only be sleeping at his house until they get her to sleep in her own bed.
Matt thinks I’m being unreasonable because he and Julie deserve a break but he caused this so he can fix it. I still visit Kenzie for a few hours a day but I’ve made it very clear that she’s not going back to my house until she sleeps in her own bed.
Now Matt and Julie are accusing me of abandoning my child because she’s disabled and have spread the narrative that I’m a horrible mother. AITA for not letting her come back until she sleeps in her own bed?
NTA if he wants to encourage bad habits he can deal with them
Document EVERYTHING. keep all texts, voice notes, everything.
NTA, he made his bed, now he can lie in it with her.
ESH
Playing routine chicken with each other with your child as the prop is truly awful of both of you.
You and Matt need to meet with Kenzie’s support team and agree on a bedtime routine going forward.
Clearly there already was one, dad undid it and caused a regression cause he couldn’t be bothered to continue the already established routine.
Stick to your guns here. You did everything in your power to provide routine and structure. You looked after your child, he decided he was to lazy. Is it hard. Yes. Does it suck it takes an hour? Also yes. But that is what it is. There is two of them there to look after her. Make sure to look after you and your other two girls because so many times the other children get left out or neglected. Maybe take them more in the week?
ESH
First of all, that little girl is 6. SIX! And you are saying she will only see you a few hours a day? Forget your ex for a second. She is going to feel abandoned. Are you ready for her to ask, “Mommy, why don’t you want me sleeping at your house? Why don’t you wanna spend time with me?” How are you going to explain this to her?
Second, yeah this is a big problem. I completely understand your frustration. You should probably talk to a professional who specializes in neurodivergent people. Ask the professional about how to create a shorter bedtime routine that involves her sleeping in her own bed.
You have every right to be frustrated and angry that your ex screwed up so badly. However, you should not be taking your anger and frustration out on a six year old girl. Instead of fighting with him about it, you should be working together to find a solution as co-parents.
1 hour seems pretty reasonable for that routine. Weird they’d stop it and chose to have her in with them.
“Deserve a break” why?
Julie needs to butt out.
NTA your ex made a major change in the childs routine without discussion or considering the impact it would have on you.
Myself, I’m a big fan of kids sleeping in their own beds and I don’t have a special needs kid. Maybe mediation is a way to go here, or you can talk to your attorney about this and see if it warrants a motion for modification of the parenting plan. your attorney can advise you there.
NTA what they have done is a real set back. And you and Kenzie can’t live like that. She needs to have a routine that makes you live fully and her too. What will happen when she will a teenager or an adult will she still sleep with math and july ? It is easier to have a routine where she can be alone in her bed now than when she is too old to do it or when there is stress to do it. They need to mend the mess they have created
The part that gets me is that Kenzie is back to wearing pull ups at night, if she was having dry night most of the time and now she isn’t, it’s something that needs to be adressed asap. If it’s a case of her having trouble knowing when she needs to go in general/at night, then the milk before bed isn’t helping her at all, but a regression in toilet training can also be a sign of emotional or psychological distress
How is it that she can snuggle between them and fall asleep in one pat instead of the elaborate ritual you have created? Both are non-optimal as they require other people to help.
I’m guessing you need to talk to specialist and maybe the can decode the situations and figure out a middle path.
I kinda gotta go with ESH. Sure, he created a problem. Threatening to basically abandon your autistic child, save for a couple hours a day, and throw her entire routine out of whack, is NOT the solution. Imagine if she hears you say that. Imagine the trauma just overhearing that could cause in a small child. You’re hurting your kid to get back at your ex. Stop it.
Tbh speaking as an autistic adult who had issues with sleep, the hour long routine requiring a second person is also not a good solution and you need to work with a therapist to find something else. Putting aside that it’s clearly not sustainable for your ex, She is autistic, she is going to get very stuck in her routine. She won’t just grow out of it like a normal kid. She will likely be a teenager and STILL asking for this. What happens when she has to learn to self soothe? What happens when she is an adult and no one will put her to bed? That’s a learned skill and no one is teaching it to her. You’re both just teaching her to rely on others.
You guys need to find a routine that allows her to put HERSELF to bed. One of the most important lessons for any autistic person to learn is: every routine should be understood (as in, the deeper reason why it exists) but they do NOT all need to be followed. In fact, some are harmful or unsustainable and shouldn’t be followed. They need to be replaced with a healthier alternative. This is one of them.
I honestly don’t think this should be here. This is far too nuanced and complicated to be boiled down to a Reddit thread. You should be taking her to a ND specialist to figure this out, not seeking affirmation of your parenting from people who have absolutely no perspective on your situation.