I (15f) was adopted when I was 12. I also have 2 little sisters (6 and 4) that are bio sisters and were adopted when they were 2 and newborn. Our mom is a really great mom. She takes us to the beach to make sand castles and have picnics when it’s warm and we take day trips to the mountains to play in the snow and we do movie nights with pizza every Thursday. There’s also a 1 bedroom apartment above the garage and our aunt lives there with our cousins (7, 10, and 12) but they’re in the house with us all day. It’s a lot of fun.
I was diagnosed with autism a few months ago and my mom signed me up for a group therapy thing for me to learn communication skills and coping skills and stuff like that. I made a friend at group (Mia 16). We hung out outside of group a few times and my mom invited her over for dinner with us and my aunt and cousins and my other aunt that lives close to us.
Something kinda important to the story is that Mia doesn’t have a great family. They haven’t really done anything but they don’t really care about what she does or where she goes or if she gets sick or anything. So she came to my house and saw all of the people and chaos and everything and she told my mom about her family and my mom started letting her come over after group then just started letting her come over whenever so she’d come over like 4 or 5 days a week.
I like Mia but I don’t like having people in my space that much. At least when my family’s here I can go to my room if I need space but when Mia’s here it’s like she’s always with me. I talked to my mom about it and I told her that I don’t want Mia here all the time because I need my space and she apologized for letting Mia come over a lot without asking me so now Mia only comes over if I invite her.
The problem is Mia’s upset that she can’t come over anymore so she’s been getting mad at me when I see her at group and she says I’m being selfish by not letting her come over anymore and I wanted to see if I was wrong.
NTA, her home life is shitty sure, but that doesn’t give her the right to invade YOUR space and make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Again, her home situation is sad, having negligent parents isn’t fun. But that doesn’t mean she gets automatic access to other peoples homes whenever.
No, you were not wrong. You set your boundaries and your mom respected them, which is great, and the only logical thing to do.
Albeit I feel for Mia for not having a functional family, she is clearly the one in the wrong here. A true friend does not get mad at you for setting a boundary.
You are mature beyond your years to recognize your needs, voice them and stick to them! That Mia feels comfortable at your house is great and it is really unfortunate that she doesn’t have a great home life. It’s not your responsibility though to give her stability all the time because your needs should always come first. Have you talked to her about why she can’t come over as much anymore?
No because she’s already mad at me
NTA. she might be latching onto your mom as a surrogate mom, and i understand that coming from an abusive family myself, but setting your boundaries is important.
are your cousins your age?
NAH, but can Mia hang out with other people sometimes when she comes over? You’re over-stimulated and need personal time and she’s under-stimulated I think? Maybe she can help whoever’s making dinner or play with your cousins instead of hanging out with you all day.
I just don’t want her here. It’s not her house.
You’re well within your right and mia could maybe connect with some of the other kids?
NTA, Mia is in a difficult situation but her getting angry at you, *her friend* ansthe reason why she was at your house in the first place, is unfair of her.
NTA your home should be your safe space. It is really sad that isn’t the case for Mia. You aren’t outright banning her. She needs to learn boundaries too.
> She needs to learn boundaries too.
Exactly this. I wonder if it’s something you can bring up with one of the facilitators of your group. Respecting boundaries is a really important social skill and without it, Mia is going to struggle to make and keep friends.
On a separate note, when someone calls you selfish for communicating your boundaries, it’s ok to just own it. Yeah, maybe I’m selfish, if I don’t look after myself and enforce my boundaries, I’ll be unhappy and my relationships will be codependent. That’s not the same as an inconsiderate or mean kind of selfish.
NTA, Mia’s situation is unfortunate but you’re not responsible for that, and especially not to the point of feeling suffocated in your own home
NTA and I’m surprised at the people who are like “just let her stay over and don’t interact with her”. I think that’s performative nonsense as none of them would invite Mia to hang out at their house. Your house is your house and while it’s unfortunate Mia does not have a great house too, it’s not up to you to solve Mia’s problems. She should be treated like anyone else and invited over when you want to hang out.
You’re definitely not wrong, my daughter likes her space too and know having a friend over all the time would be hellish for her.
She likes to FaceTime though as she can leave whenever she wants , could this be an option?
You two could FaceTime /WhatsApp a couple of times a week ?