I live with my parents and every year we go to their hometown to visit their parents and siblings, this was way more often when I was a kid, lately we only go on holidays and some birthdays due to my dad’s work.
This year my mom had the idea that we spend the week after Xmas there, my dad can’t stand her family and neither can I cause they are toxic and manipulative, to the point that they made me believe I wasn’t skinny enough as a teen at 1,67 (5’6) with a weight of 47kg (103 lbs).
I told her I wouldn’t want to spend that much time in a city that I have no friends and with a family I’m not near with, she said I wasn’t thinking it cause this are my grandparents last years and not spending more time with them is something I can regret specially because of the way I think, she said I was separating from the family and would end alone. I tried to explain that for my mental health I wouldn’t stand a week with them but gladly I’ll be with them during Xmas and new year.
Maybe I used the wrong words because she started crying saying she tought I was more conscious and I feel really bad cause she’s right, my grandparents won’t live much more, maybe I’m just being selfish.
Is your mom planning to bump them off in the New Year? She has no way of knowing that will die imminently. She’s giving you a guilt trip. You deserve to not spend an extended period of time with people who are mentally abusive to you.
NTA. “She said I was separating from the family and would end alone.” There are worse things than being alone, and there are better ways to not be alone than to be with toxic family. Your mother is just selfishly guilt-tripping you into spending time with people who are bad for your mental and physical health.
NTA your mother learned manipulative from her family.
NTA. With that logic, shouldn’t you be with your grandparents 24/7 until they croak? She’s just trying to guilt trip you.
You’re not being selfish if they’re toxic and manipulative and bad for your mental health. Does your mom not see how damaging they have been to you? And she allows this to happen?
Is it the grandparents that are terrible or other family? If the grandparents are fine, can you spend time with just them and not the other relatives?
NTA. Don’t go through your mother. She wants you there and will relentlessly guilt trip you into compliance. Go through your dad. He’s more likely to be sympathetic and be more likely to have your best interests at heart.
Let your dad deal with your mom.
I haven’t think of that, thanks I’ll try it.
Specifically mention the weight stuff and any other direct examples you can think of about their behavior. Try to avoid generalizations. Focus on the impact to your mental health and not what you would rather be doing. He knows, but giving him talking points only helps you.
Thanks, this really helps
NTA when I was a kid I was pretty chubby, and my aunt used to say no one would ever love me if I was fat. Well, guess who is fighting an ED now and doesn’t speak with that aunt anymore?
You do what’s best for you
So, does it really matter that this might be the grandparents last year? If they were nicer/ kinder it might possibly be different
LOL I guarantee you that the day you regret not spending more time with these toxic people will never come. Ever.
NTA.
Don’t fall for that! That’s just another method to get you to do what she wants! I don’t like my mom’s family and I don’t force myself around them longer than necessary regardless of whether my mom likes it or not! They are her family!!