A few months ago my older cousin Travis seperated from his ex-wife Alex. Since I was very young, Travis and Alex have been a big part of my life. They treated me as if I was their own daughter in a lot of ways. Alex’s entire family has always treated me and many of my family members as a part of their family.. I even lived with them for awhile.
But when Travis filed for divorce, his mother (my aunt) became very hostile toward Alex. She started telling members of our family they shouldn’t keep in touch with Alex but never offered a straight answer as to why beyond "She isn’t family anymore."
I don’t think that’s how family works… I know Alex and I aren’t Blood related but she’s been my cousin for 16 years. I don’t know of a different way to refer to her other than as my cousin.
I’ve been told by other aunts that I don’t have to cut Alex out but I can’t keep calling her my cousin because it’s factually incorrect and will cause too much stress / confusion.
I get that she’s technically was only my cousin by marriage but if she’s not my cousin what do I call her? I want to keep calling her my cousin despite it being technically wrong. But some family members get genuinely upset when I do.
Just today I posted about going for tea with cousin Alex and Travis’ mom responded "Don’t forget your REAL family love you too". Like??? I love Alex and Travis equally.
WIBTA if I insist Alex is my cousin?
My cousins Mom divorced my Uncle years ago I still call her Aunt Rosie. NTA
You’re NTA. Travis and Alex got a divorce. You didn’t. You do not have to forget 16 years of a close relationship.
>I’ve been told by other aunts that I don’t have to cut Alex out but I can’t keep calling her my cousin
They can take a flying leap. It’s no skin off their noses if you want to keep calling Alex your cousin.
NTA
Call them
Whatever you want.
Maybe just don’t post about every outing for a little while as their split from marriage heals.
That can be very painful.
The mom I am
Assuming is just being protective, even if grossly, of her kid.
YWNBTA at all. If you’re feeling petty, comment under your aunt pointing out how nice it is to acknowledge that Alex loves you and just ignore the REAL family part. Real family doesn’t gatekeep who you think of as family.
NTA. My step-mom isn’t with my dad anymore, but I still consider her and call her my step-mom despite my dad’s side of the family going scorched earth on her.
It’s not confusing to keep calling Alex your cousin since that is what she’s been your whole life even if it wasn’t by blood. If anything it’d be more confusing to constantly do the “my cousin’s ex wife” deal when talking about her. It’s your relationship, which sounds like they were a second parental unit for you, so you continue to use the descriptors you wanna use, your aunt be damned. She can get over herself.
She’s been your cousin for 16 years. Unless Alex did something truly, really awful, your aunt needs to back off and mind her own business. Alex is your real family. NTA
Alex and Travis haven’t dragged me into any of the drama so I have NO idea what caused the divorce but I still hang out regularly with both Alex and Travis, it just isn’t all three of us together anymore which is sad sometimes but i still love our time and they both know that and don’t seem to care themselves. It’s just my aunt who is travis’ mom and her sister’s are really upset about it and like specifically upset at me for it…
No, family is who you choose not just blood relatives.
I ( the random stranger on the internet) don’t think it makes you an AH but it’s not exactly tactful either. Your fam will obviously think you are. Maybe your aunt does have a reason but they don’t want to share it because it’s private, maybe she’s just bitter who knows. It’s their problem that they care that much about what you call someone not yours but you also don’t have to bring it up in front of them because it does bother them. You can think of her as your cousin without having to say it to them. Your post could just as easily say going to lunch with Alex. Anyone who knows you knows who Alex is to you if she’s been your cousin for 16 years so who are you actually saying “my cousin Alex” to? It sounds kinda like you just want to do it because they told you not to, which is totally understandable if that is the case depending on your family. I just think that you could be more balanced with it and think if this is really a hill you want to die on.
So I see how it can come off as trying to be in the drama by saying cousin Alex and I think you’re right that maybe I can change how I say that. I just wanted to share that in my family I grew up having the relationship descriptor for people being tacked on as basically part of their name…
Like how a lot of people clarify ‘Aunt Debbie’ as if Aunt is a part of the person’s name. My cousins are “Cousin Travis” or even “Little Cousin Dave” to seperate from “Big Cousin Dave” it’s cause my family is really big and a lot of names are shared so it just became normal for everyone to call each other by relationship title and name. So that didn’t even occur to me as kind of feeding the drama but I see how it can be.
NTA though the less you rub your blood kin’s noses in it, the less grief they will give you. I won’t bore you with the details, but the word *cousin* has a complicated history thanks to the fact that it has long been a way to refer to all sorts of relationships, not the one people usually think of first nowadays. The first sense in the *Oxford English Dictionary* is “Any collateral relative more distant than a brother or sister; a (distant) relation.” As OED notes, for the relationship you’re talking about, it has become customary (but not obligatory) to qualify it as something like *distant cousin*. And then there’s the second main sense, “Expressing familiarity, affection, or friendship.” This sense is in play when characters in Shakespeare call one another *coz*, and it’s still current. More important than any of that is that other people have no business policing your terms of endearment with others. Don’t argue; just ignore.
YWNBTA
If you feel like she is family, then she’s family.
NTA. Blood don’t define family