I am 23 and I have two brothers, 15 and 16 yrs old. Both are on the autism spectrum, but the 16 year old is severely autistic so he relies on us 24/7. The 15 year old is pretty high-functioning, and he mainly struggles with socializing. My mom stays at home and my dad works second shift, so he’s always at work when my brothers are home after school and they really only get to see him on the weekends.
Today my mom asked me to look over some texts that my 15 year old brother’s teacher sent her. I got on her phone and saw that she had dozens of messages from this teacher. Some of them were automated messages that were probably sent to the entire class, but a lot of them were about my brother specifically. They were about any missing work that he had and in some cases the teacher would be suggesting that my mother make my brother do “x, y, x before the upcoming test so that he’s well prepared.” So I asked my mom if she had even read any of them or if she was making my brother do all this work and she said “I do read them and I bring them up to your brother but he says that he doesn’t know what any of that is” and that infuriated me. It infuriated me because the teacher was literally naming all the things that needed to get done and my mom wasn’t telling my brother “Ok, you need to do this, this, and this.” She expected me to do it for her. I always speak kindly to my mom, but this time I couldn’t contain my anger and I said “So you read these messages and did nothing? What else do you want? The teacher is telling you what to do and you don’t do it.” I gave her the phone back and left. So I basically told her that it was her problem. A few minutes later I came back and I heard her crying in the bathroom, so I feel terrible now.
I understand that she is very overwhelmed as she is the main caretaker for my severely autistic brother. She has a lot on her plate, but I do too. I have my own mental health issues that I’m working through and on top of that I am trying to get into grad school. I try to help when I can, but I have become very busy and I am drowning in my own thoughts. She could speak up to my dad and tell him that she needs his help, but she doesn’t. The moment they realized that my 16 year old brother was going to need 24/7 care my dad should’ve changed his shift so that he could help with my brother after school. There are so many things they are doing wrong, and my mom is suffering the consequences of those choices. My dad is one of those dads that thinks only working and providing for the family is enough. He doesn’t help around the house except when he needs to do handy work and he lets my mom carry the entire mental load. I feel bad for her, but I can’t fix her life for her. I’m trying to start my own life, but I feel guilty thinking about leaving my mom all on her own.
This feels above the AITA paygrade.
I don’t see any AHs here…just a very overwhelmed family that needs some kind of support immediately.
NAH.
NAH, the school should honestly have accommodations
The school probably does have accommodations but I wonder if OPs mom is so focused on her older son that she hasn’t pursued obtaining them. I’m surprised the teacher hasn’t requested it at this point.
NAH. It sounds like the both of you are at your limits.
I think it might be time for you all to talk as a family. You say you’re trying to get into grad school — if your mother is already this much out of the loop in what 15 does in school, what’ll happen when you get accepted and suddenly have to worry about studies and defending your thesis?
I don’t have any solutions, unfortunately. This sounds like something a family counselor (or at least someone more professional) may need to help with.
NTA. Its a tough situation but its not really your situation. Be kind but firm. Try not to get mad at mom too much, just calmly tell her she needs to read the emails with dad so they can plan how to approach bro. Just focus on your life and keep moving forward. When mom asks for help but you are too bush, just say
“I’m very sorry mom, but I cant as I am….”
And stay firm on your response. Every time. Say it with confidence and kindness.
NAH this is such a tough situation. You’re right that you can’t parent your siblings. Your mom is overwhelmed. Your dad needs to be more than just the money. And you deserve to have your own life and not be responsible for solving anyone else’s problems.
If you could do anything to help them, maybe just take an hour and search what resources are available for your mom to get some outside help. There may be support groups, organizations which help with the 24/7 care, special tutors or aides who could help your 15 yo brother get his school work under control, etc. Could they hire someone to clean once a week, or twice a month or something? You don’t have to be the one reaching out to the groups or whatever, but if you could compile a list for your mom, it may just help her feel like she’s not on her own in this. I grew up with a friend whose sibling was high needs special needs, and it is exhausting and overwhelming. I hope your family gets some relief, and that you are able to step away and focus on yourself as well.
Mom needs to hire a caregiver
Dad needs to step up. Both mom and dad chose to have kids and right now one of them is being failed.
Obviously NTA but make sure you are not your Mom’s backup plan for your older brother, once she and your Dad are no longer able to care for him (or need care themselves), or you’ll be doing that for life.
NTA, but if you want to make mom feel a bit better, you could apologize. Just something simple like “Hey Mom, I’m sorry I spoke to you the way I did earlier. I know you’re overwhelmed and need help, and all I did was make it worse. You didn’t deserve that.” Then follow up with “Maybe we could look at getting a getting some kind of outside help to take away some of the stress…”
Good luck.
I don’t think it’s helpful for mom to hear that she didn’t deserve it, because that’s arguable.
Mom is definitely in a tough situation, albeit of her own making. Based on her life decisions to date, I think tough love may be the best way to get her to finally act and not just shove everything under the rug.
I think the best case is for OP to suggest a meeting with the school to understand potential accommodations, however they will still expect the kid to get SOME support at home. OP is going to have a worse problem in the future when mom expects them to become older brother’s caretaker when the parents pass…
NTA.
Your mom needs to put on her big girl panties and tell her husband that it’s time to be an actual husband and partner.
[r/GlassChildren](https://www.reddit.com/r/GlassChildren/s/XaQfnU1fOR)
I think you should look over here. Glass Children are the “normal” siblings of children with disabilities or chronic illness. Called glass because everyone, including their parents look right through them to see the child who needs more attention.
NTA, I’m sorry and I send internet hugs from a stranger.
NTA This isn’t your responsibility. Your mom may indeed be overwhelmed, but sacrificing your brothers to that is unacceptable. This is an opportunity to equip your brother with skills that can make him more independent and allow him to live a full life.
There are resources available to help. She needs to sit down with that teacher and find out what options are available. For her son at home, a sit down with social services or any other similar aid program will explain options for him, too, like therapists or a home health aid.
This is NOT your responsibility, and somebody had to seak up for your siblings.