I (23M)have always been the friend everyone depends on. I’m the one who listens at 2 a.m., helps people move, covers bills when someone’s short, and cancels my own plans to be there for others. I never complained because I thought that’s what being a good friend meant.
Over the past few months, I’ve been mentally exhausted. I felt invisible unless I was useful. I noticed that if I didn’t text first, no one reached out. If I stopped helping, I stopped existing to them. So I pulled back. I didn’t ghost anyone, I just stopped overextending myself.
Last weekend, I finally went out with the group. At dinner, one friend joked loudly, “Wow, look who finally decided to show up.” Another said I’d become “selfish” and “cold” lately. I laughed it off at first, but then someone added, “You used to be a good friend. Now you only care about yourself.”
That’s when I snapped.
I said, “You only liked me when I was useful. None of you checked on me when I disappeared, but you all noticed when I stopped doing things for you.”
The table went silent. One friend said I was being dramatic. Another told me I was guilt-tripping them and ruining the night. They said if I had a problem, I should’ve communicated instead of “punishing everyone.”
I left early. Since then, the group chat is dead, and I’ve been told I owe everyone an apology for making them uncomfortable.
I don’t think I’m wrong for finally standing up for myself, but now I’m wondering if I handled it badly.
>I don’t think I’m wrong for finally standing up for myself
You’re NTA for speaking out about your frustrations.
A person can only have so much emotional bandwidth and you seemed to be at the end of yours. None of your friends reached out, unlike what you’ve done for them and then they made pointed remarks. It may not have been their intention to basically insult you, but that’s what they did.
What do they even mean by “punishing everyone”?
There’s a certain kind of human who will creative a narrative that says OP was being passive aggressive by falling back and seeing if there was any reciprocity.
They would claim OP no longer doing things for them was petty punishment instead of him once again extending himself and doing the work of confronting them about their shitty behavior.
That’s not being useful, it’s being exploited
NTA
[Assuming your version corresponds to the reality]
Wow, they tried first to make you feel guilty, and then had the courage to say YOU ruined the night?
People’s unreasoning skills sometimes are surprising.
People like them better off lost than found.
1. I know the feeling. Nobody reached out to me, even after my husband died young.
2. Like you said, you were no longer useful to them. That group needs to get over itself.
NTA. They were interested in what they could take. You can move onto healthier relationships.
NTA
People who give tend to attract people who only want to take. Your “friends” are takers and you’re better off without them. Real friends build one another up. It’ll take time to build up a circle of friends, but you’ll be much happier in the end.
NTA if you help everyone with their problems, who helps you ? . Not a sales pitch, but please check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy but Robert Glover.
NTA. I would sometimes need to withdraw because I was feeling overwhelmed. Anytime I missed lunch, a friend would text me “Taking a kipsterdude day?” Just to make sure I was doing ok. I let them know I’d see them at dinner, but it was nice that a friend noticed I was missing and checked in to make sure I was ok. I’ll never forget that. This was 17 years ago.
NTA. Find real friends.
NTA. They brought it up and got mad that you defended yourself? Wild. They suck as friends
NTA. No one even denied what you said.
NTA. You owed them no explanations. You took a break and it showed their real colors. And they want you to beg on your knees? lol bye… Find better friends cuz this group don’t deserve you. And until they realize their mistakes no need to allow them back in your life.
Like what the heck do you mean “you should have told us”. When a friend goes MIA you check up on them what the heck…
NTA
I was recently in the same boat as you. For years, I would always be the go-to friend if anyone needed anything. But I was hardly given anything in return. I lost myself due to being a chronic people pleaser. In my honest opinion, those aren’t friends. Relationships, friendships, etc. are a two way street. If they are calling you “dramatic” for finally sticking up for yourself and setting boundaries, THEY are the a-holes. Not you. Those aren’t friends. Those are leeches.