I am a teenager living with her parents in the UK. At social gatherings, they always get drunk to the point of me having to look after them, and over the past few years they get drunk every night, so that when they drive me to school the next day, theyre still out of it. When they are drunk, they always shout at either me, at my younger brother, or at each other. They’re incredibly strict and very rarely allow to me to do things with my friends, favouring my brothers events over mine.
This brings me to my birthday party. It’s a big year, and I want to celebrate with my friends. We had the idea of playing D&D all together, because Ive never played but always wanted to. My friend’s dad even offered to be the DM.
Tonight, I told my mum about the idea, and she was appalled. She used to tell me that she’d never be angry at me and would always listen, but these past few years it’s led to a screaming match with me crying in bed as she goes on, followed by three days of silent treatment with me having no mother figure to talk to. She claims this was evidence that I didn’t love her, and wanted nothing to do with the family if I was having my birthday party without her.
Mind you, we are going out for me and my brother‘s birthday altogether on his birthday, he’s having a separate party, and last year she made me have it during lunch time at school. She says that it’s disgusting how I want another persons parents to host my birthday, and now is calling everyone she knows in this drunken state to proclaim how much her daughter hates her. Obviously I’m still going to live with them, but I’m questioning if I should change my plans.
So, AITA for wanting my party elsewhere? I hate it when she’s drunk because it means I have to look after her while taking her insults, and it’d be awful for my friends to have to see that.
NTA
This is abuse. It is not normal to be drunk every night, and they are harming you mentally and putting you at risk physically as well. Please talk to a trusted teacher or counsellor at school like yesterday.
NTA- I’m so sorry honey, she is proving your exact point with her behavior. You should still go ahead with your party and maybe try to loop in a different trusted adult to help with the family drama of things. Of course you’ll still live there you are a teenager and it’s their responsibility to take care of you. Sending hugs and love. Happy birthday and I hope you have a great first time playing D&D
NTA it sounds like your parents are emotionally abusive and it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t want to have your parents at your birthday party. As much as I’m sure you love your parents it’s perfectly understandable for you to not want them to effectively ruin your birthday.
The next time shes drunk call the police. Tell them everything. Its not okay that they are doing this.
As for your birthday, plan the same thing on a different day. Just tell her its seeing a friend, be honest about where you are and who youre with. But everything else? Put her on a diet.
NTA. Have your party, keep your head down and make plans to get out of that house as soon as you can. Your parents sound horrible and I’m sorry you’re out through so much.
NTA. I don’t know what changed for your parents, but what you’re describing is emotional abuse. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I know for my dad, it was like something in him broke when I was about 12, and he went from being an understanding, supportive, loving parent who had a few things that set him off into an absolute minefield. I never knew if I was going to get my dad who loved me or a dad-shaped bomb that would go off over anything and everything. He was horrible to be around until I was about 20, and then he went back to being my dad again most of the time.
It is totally reasonable to not want to be abused. It completely makes sense that you would particularly not want to go through that in front of your friends.
I wish I could tell you how to get through to her; my dad finally decided he needed to do something about his temper when both my parents retired and my mom told him that it was bad enough that she was going to leave him if he didn’t get help. (She did think about leaving when my sister and I were kids, but she was afraid what it would be like on his custody time, without her there to try to protect us.)
NTA for your specific conflict.
But your problem is bigger than just whether they attend your birthday party, and it’s a problem which is above Reddit’s pay grade.
I urge you to get in contact with Alateen UK. Link [here](https://al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/).
Given that it’s BOTH of your parents who have a drinking problem, you may have trouble attending an in-person Alateen meeting (because you need a parent’s or guardian’s consent to go in person) or attending online (because you need a private space and the appropriate equipment). If this is the case, please seek help from an adult you trust, such as a friend’s parent or a teacher.
Good luck.
Record the abuse and then show her when she’s sober. Tell her you won’t be doing it anymore.
NTA. The favouring your brother over you thing I think matters less than the drinking. They sound like they have a substance abuse problem. Driving you to school while still being out of is dangerous as hell.
You said your parents rarely let you do things with friends, but is there any chance you could convince them to just let you go to a friends place, and that’s where you play D&D without it explicitly being for your birthday, or without telling them that.
NTA, but your birthday party is the least of your problems. You and your brother, if he lives there, are in danger. Your parents are sick and dangerous. For their sake and yours, please reach out to someone at school. Also, see if there is an Al Anon or AA group that may be able to assist you. I know it’s terrifying to report your own parents. But you and they need help. I do hope amidst it all, you have a happy, drama-free birthday
I think 1) NTA but 2) you need to seek a way to get into a healthier home environment. talk to a trusted adult at school or better yet, film it and call the police when they are drunk. It’s not your job to look after them.
NTA for not wanting to be the verbal punching bag for alcoholic parents during your own birthday party.
But this goes way beyond what you decide to do for a party this year. I grew up around a lot of alcohol and drug use and while I wasn’t in the same situation, I do understand where you’re coming from. As a minor there’s only so much you can do.
Keep yourself safe and talk to a trusted adult if you can. It sounds like you will need another adult involved. You need someone who your parents trust enough to take their opinion seriously. With it just being you, it can be written off as bratty teen behavior.
Good luck and happy birthday 🎈
I hope you’re able to have a lovely birthday and you don’t have to spend even a minute of it doing anything you don’t want to do 🎂
NTA in any way ofc.
You are living in an abusive environment. I appreciate you have your reasons for continuing to live there. I am sorry that is the situation. While you live there, I would suggest having a ‘family party’ where you meet your mom’s apparent expectations for your birthday, but then arrange a separate event for yourself with your friends. You don’t need to tell your mom it’s for your birthday, say you’re having a sleepover with friends or something. Or just hanging out for a few hours if that’s not an option. It’s totally normal for you to want to have a bday party with your friends. Your parents are not acting appropriately, in many ways. As you said you want to still live there, you’ll want to figure out how to manage / contain their ability to influence your life, sometimes subverting what you think they may want (like having a fake bday with them and a real one with friends). Listen to your gut, if something feels wrong, it probably is. Develop supportive friendships and maybe save money for a future when you can leave.
You need to ask for help. Please talk to someone at school about this, and maybe your friend’s dad too. NTA at all but this situation is much larger than your birthday.
The way your parents drink is not normal. The way they talk to you and treat you is not normal. You do not deserve to live like this.