I have been married for six years. We have a decent sized house so we’ve always hosted holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. My own family (parents and sisters) doesn’t stay here. My wife’s parents, her brother and his wife, and their two kids. About 8 people total.
Here’s the thing. They show up empty handed every single time. No food, no drinks, no offering to help cook or clean only few times when asked to help. They sit on the couch watch football and wait to be fed. Then after dinner they go home and leave us with all the mess.
I’ve mentioned this to my wife before. She said that’s just how they are and they’re guests. But they’re not guests at this point. It’s been six years.
Last week her mom texted asking about preparations for Easter Sunday. I told my wife I’m done. I said if they want to come they need to bring something and help clean up or at least send money for something.
My wife said I’m only making things weird and she did all the work before we got married. Her brother and parents aren’t used to doing anything with her around. She said my suggestion will only make things awkward and stop her family from coming over. I said I’m tired of being used as a free restaurant. We spend a lot on food and three days cooking and cleaning while they do almost nothing.
She told me she’ll handle it and later told me she called her mom and asked if they could bring a dessert and her mom said she’s not a good baker and she thinks that got her mom got upset because she changed the subject immediately.
Now my wife thinks I don’t want her family around since she never complained herself about work. Her mom hasn’t confirmed if they’re coming and that seems like my fault. She’s asked if I could call them to ask if they’re coming and I’m not going to call. Does that make me an A-Hole
NTA.
I feel bad for your wife though. Her family must have done a number on her if even as an adult, she’s afraid of speaking up and asking them to act with respect.
So, your wife was a doormat to them and now she expects you to act the same? No thank you. Your InLaws sound horrid!
NTA. I mean this kindly, your wife needs therapy from her family
NTA I have in-laws like this. I am blunt and probably rude about it bc it doesn’t matter if they like me. “Oh hey man. You come to sleep on the entire living room couch while everyone around you is cooking and cleaning and wrangling children (including yours) again this year?”
“Hey man, I noticed you always leave the table early so that you can steal Mom’s recliner and make her sit in a hard chair in her own home. You never steal Dad’s seat– only Mom’s. Why is that?”
I don’t give a fuck if they like me. We don’t need respect from people we don’t respect. My family’s dignity is more important than their selfishness.
NTA.
Your wife’s reasonable request to her mom to bring dessert and her Mom’s answer spoke volumes. Seriously they can buy a cake or a pie from the grocery store.
Plan a low key fun activity for little family
They’re not guests, they’re family. Their arms also aren’t broken. And if they are “not a good baker,” they can 1) learn, or 2) bring a store-bought pie or something, then help with cleanup. I also find it ironic that when you had your limit, your wife agreed to take over all the work, and then immediately asked her family to pitch in – so she knows exactly how much it is to take on by herself, too, and also wasn’t willing to do it alone.
“Now my wife thinks I don’t want her family around.” Honestly, I wouldn’t, either. What a bunch of entitled moochers. NTA.
How are they not embarrassed by not doing anything or even bringing something. If someone cooks the meal the one eating should be doing the clean up simple as that
Her mom’s not a good baker. Good thing there are many bakers that open a bakery. Go buy something
I have family like this and here is how I handle it:
– I lowered the bar for entertaining them. I grab a couple of cheap pizzas at Costco instead of making dinner for example. I put out a plate of fruit and store bought muffins for breakfast. We even buy cheap coffee so we aren’t using our “good” stuff on them.
– give them jobs. I assign jobs to anyone just sitting around while I’m working. Dishes, clearing the table, letting the dog out, and taking the trash out can all be easily assigned to people. Once someone made a comment about be assigned a task. I replied “all of our other guests offer to help and since you don’t, I figured I needed to ask.”
Good luck!
This is the way!
>I lowered the bar for entertaining them.
100% – No cleaning. Ask if someone has a pizza app they can order from when they ask about what’s to eat.
ETA – papa murphy’s if you think you have to provide something. Solo cups for drinking tap water.
Your wife is a doormat and needs therapy. Her family has conditioned her to be the caretaker and she likely doesn’t know how to stand up for herself.
Only you can decide if this is a hill you want to die on. First, I’d highly suggest marriage counseling where you can bring these issues up and a third party can explain to your wife that her family is abusive and/or manipulative. Once she can see that, she’s going to need personal therapy to learn boundaries
“Hi everyone! This year we’ll be doing this potluck style. Wife and I will provide the turkey and mashed potatoes. Please select one of the following to bring. We also ask that this year, everyone helps tidy so we can enjoy each other as family.”
It’s not hard. NTA
Exactly! We have about 15-20 family/extended family members that we spend most holidays with. We send out a group email that states what we are providing as the hosting house and then an open list of what could be options to bring. Everyone puts their name next to one thing to bring. We put down suggestions from appetizers to desserts.
By the time we get together, there’s plenty to share and no one is expected to stress out by overextending themselves in time, money and effort. Everyone also pitches in with basic cleaning up after themselves. We even prepare for leftovers to be taken by having to-go containers. That’s also one of the options for someone to bring.
Everyone participates and gets to have actual quality family time together.