I (26F) lived with my mother and grandparents. For years, our household relied on the pension my father paid. When I started college and began working, I contributed by paying the electricity and internet bills. My mother also started selling cakes, and when my grandfather retired, his pension went entirely to the household expenses (my salary was my only personal money).
In January, my grandfather passed away and my grandmother began receiving government assistance. To ease the financial burden at home, I moved in with my boyfriend. My mother then got a steady job, adding a fixed salary to her cake business income.
Despite this, she still receives my father’s entire pension, which he deposits into my account for me to transfer to her. Legally, this is risky; if my father discovers I’ve moved out and the money isn’t for me, he could sue. My mother recently wanted to extend the payment deadline, as he theoretically only has to pay until December. We argued, and she called me unfair and ungrateful, ignoring me for a while.
She recently visited and asked me to transfer the latest pension deposit. Knowing I needed medicine, she took me to the pharmacy with my prescriptions, implying she would pay. Once there, she made me use my own money.
It was my boyfriend who consistently pointed out how unfair this situation is. I hadn’t fully grasped it until that moment at the pharmacy, when I finally realized how used and manipulated I fee, but I still wonder if I’m being ungrateful with her.
NTA. If your father gives money to you, it’s yours. You don’t live with your mom any more so she has no more right to use these money.
Exactly, once you’re out and supporting yourself she shouldn’t be treating your money as hers.
you’re not ungrateful. she’s mad you stopped being the family ATM
NTA. Your mother is clearly using you.
NTA. Money belongs to you now that you are on your own and you tell her the same. Your mom can go kick the rocks 🤘
I get that your mom had you brainwashed, and that’s a hard thing to see past. I’m glad you are seeing it now. Yes, you have been used by your mom.
I don’t know how old you were when your parents divorced or made the arrangement for your dad to provide for your care. But that money was meant to be spent for YOUR benefit. Some of it should have even been set aside for your college expenses. Some of it did cover your food and housing, but it sounds like a good chunk went to pay for your mom and her parents as well.
Your mom should have been working. Living with your grandparents made it easier for her to work, but even without their help, your mom could have had a job while you were growing up.
You don’t say, but I’m guessing the house is your grandparents, and your mom wasn’t paying anything (but maybe utilities/food) to live there. Even then, I’m betting that your dad’s money and your grandpa’s money covered most expenses.
Your mom has also taught you to hide the truth from your dad. Not because he’s a toxic guy and not for your benefit. Solely because she wants to keep riding the gravy train through the money he gives you.
You are down to your last payment from your dad. Keep the money for yourself of set it aside\*. It was yours all along and your mom has already benefited from it for years; she doesn’t deserve another cent.
No matter what, start separating yourself from your mom. Why is she taking you (at 26 yo) to the pharmacy? How much do you tell her about your life and your choices and then let her tell you what she expects you to do?
The consequences won’t be pretty. Your mom has been living beyond her means and can’t switch gears immediately. But don’t feel bad for her. She knew about this end of the gravy train for years. She could have prepared for it. She has chosen not to. She has earned whatever harsh changes she faces.
I don’t know about your grandma. She may or may not have been complicit with your mom. You may or may not be able to figure that out; you may or may not want to use some of that set-aside money to help her if she doesn’t own the house. If she does, your grandma may need to sell the house so that she doesn’t lose it to foreclosure. (And your mom will likely try to get money out of any house sale! If you can, try to help protect your grandma’s money.)
You have a lot to realize and face in the near future (as your mom’s bubble implodes on her). If you can start counseling, you should.
This is all a little weird-sounding. OP’s Mom could get her in a LOT of trouble, even prison for fraud
that’s something im afraid of
Her mom will get into prison for fraud. OP’s father and OP are both victims since her mother has taken money she had no right to use.
NTA. It’s your money. Don’t pay her any more money and stand your ground. She wants you to commit fraud, don’t do it. She is a greedy and delusional narcissist. Cut her off immediately.
Why does your mother believe that she is entitled to your father’s pension?
NTA- she is an adult with an income. That isn’t her money.
The end of the so called money for you is coming to an end. Please check the house your grandmother lives in,
Make sure she can continue to live in it. I know that is not your responsibility, but surprises are popping up left and right here.
Thank God for your boyfriend.