Throw away for privacy
I (17F) and my mom (60F) have not had the greatest relationship for a while but it’s come to a head recently and I’m wondering if I’m blowing this out of proportion.
For context, my parents have been divorced since I was 15. I live in Nevada and my dad lives in California. I’m also neurodivergent so emotional issues like this are very out of my element.
Recently, we had a fight about my relationships after she mentioned that she doesn’t have anything to tell her family about me. I told her she and her family don’t ask about my life so I’m not surprised. She got upset, telling me I shouldn’t expect family to ask about my personal life and should just tell them. I pointed out that her family would shut me down when I’d try or even express direct disinterest and just move on. I also mentioned this is why I no longer prioritize family gatherings.
This turned into a fight where we went back and forth until she told me I shouldn’t expect people to listen to me talk about things they are interested in. She couldn’t give a clear answer as to why I should do this for others or why it shouldn’t hurt my feelings, only telling me that my family loves me instead of answering (something she does a lot). At this point, I told her I’d live with my father if that’s how she felt and ended it there.
The next day, she apologized for the fight (not what was said, just the fight itself) and told me she doesn’t want me to move. I’m still thinking about it and I’m not sure I can get over finding out her family isn’t expected to listen to me.
Am I being the asshole or is this a reasonable reaction?
Please ask any questions about details, I wasn’t sure what else was important to add.
NTA, she wants you to be a doormat.
If you don’t actually want to live with your father but just said it for effect, then YTA. If you do want to live with him or want to explore the idea of living with him, NTA. Parents shouldn’t use their children as weapons in a divorce, and nor should children use their parents.
BTW, in many families, relatives do ask kids questions about what’s going on in their lives if they want to know and want to carry on a conversation. It is also a social skill to be able to listen to someone talk about a topic that doesn’t interest you because you care about that person. That said, no one exists in a vacuum: It is quite possible that you have some or many family members who are also on the spectrum, whether they are diagnosed or not. Not necessarily, but possible.
You might want to consider exploring the possibility of living with Dad, since you brought it up. Since you are nearly 18, you might also want to consider what other alternatives you may have in the future. Going to college out of town is also an option.
At some point, you will find family. It’s possible that few or none of them are relatives.
Sounds like communication is the issue here. Moving with your dad won’t fix the problem, she will always be your mom and if you want to have a good relationship with her then this would be the perfect opportunity to start some family counseling to work on how you both communicate and relate to one another.
NTA. Neurodivergent or not, your reaction is completely normal. Her statement that the family loves you is aspirational rather than factual. She’s looking for performative behavior from you. This is not something you owe her (or them). That “doesn’t have anything to tell her family about” is a critical confession about her motivation.
That said, consider whether moving to your father would be like jumping from the frying pan to the fire. Do you have any evidence that he’d support you better and not push you for the same kind of performance?
NTA. Let me get this straight. You are supposed to tell them about your life, but you are also supposed to not care if they don’t listen to you or want to know about you? How is that supposed to work? No. That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
It sounds like your mom cares way too much about what her family thinks about her. She sounds fairly desperate for their attention if she also expects you to change who you are for them
NTA, your mother is unhinged.
NRA, your mom sounds entirely too wrapped up in others perception of her
You’re not being dramatic, and you’re not an asshole.
What really hurt wasn’t just the argument. It was the feeling that your mom was basically saying, “You shouldn’t expect people to care about what you’re talking about.” Even if that’s not how she meant it, that’s how it landed. And that’s a painful thing to hear from your own parent.
Of course you want your family to ask about you. Of course you want them to listen when you try to share. That’s not selfish, it’s normal. When you’ve tried before and felt brushed off or shut down, it makes sense that you’d stop trying and stop prioritizing those gatherings. People naturally pull back from places where they don’t feel seen.
When you said you’d go live with your dad, that doesn’t read like you being manipulative. It reads like you hitting a point where you felt unheard and overwhelmed. Sometimes when we feel dismissed, we react big because we don’t know how else to make the point land.
The fact that she apologized for “the fight” but not what was actually said probably feels hollow. You don’t just want the tension gone. You want her to understand why it hurt.
You’re not blowing this out of proportion. You’re reacting to feeling invisible in your own family. That’s not unreasonable.
Move. Shes losing control. Move and keep your peace.
You dont owe her anything just because she birthed you.
Please post such questions in r/teenagedrama.
YTA if you’re just saying it to hurt your mother.
Relatives ask all the time about other family. Some for genuine interest and some for gossip, lol! But extended family is curious. Conversation and communication is key. I notice you said your mother’s family instead of your family.