My husband and I have 4 kids: Eloise (12), Margot (9), Mateo (7), and James (4). Eloise and Mateo were adopted and Margot and James are our biological children.
Eloise has special needs. She has autism, hearing loss in both ears, and a few other diagnoses. She receives daily PT, OT, and speech therapy at school.
Eloise’s biological aunt, Julia, is heavily involved in Eloise’s life. She picks Eloise up from school 2 days a week and takes her to the trampoline park or her favorite indoor playground or swimming. Eloise also spends one night a week at Julia’s house and Julia has a key to our house so she can drop in and see Eloise whenever she’s available.
Julia also brings Eloise lots and lots of gifts. They‘re always either clothes that meet her sensory needs and current interests, toys that manage to sneak PT and OT into play, toys for sensory play, or tools for self regulation (coloring books, new headphones, new water bottles, and chewable toys). She usually brings something for the other kids but it’s typically much smaller, like a smaller coloring book and pack of crayons, a small box of play dough, or a theater box of candy for each kid.
One of my friends, Alexa, and her 3 kids (10f, 6m, 5m) are living with us for 6 months while Alexa gets back on her feet following a divorce. We split childcare for everyone but Eloise relatively evenly and agreed that the kids would be treated equally.
Julia continues to visit Eloise and bring her new clothes and toys plus small gifts for the other kids (including Alexa’s kids) but the differences in the gifts and the amount of attention given to Eloise has been bothering Alexa. She asked me to stop Julia from bringing Eloise such extravagant gifts, taking her out without the other kids, and take back her house key so she can’t visit as often. I told her that Julia is family and I don’t plan to change anything about her visits. Alexa then went to Julia and told her to stop taking Eloise out without the other kids, stop bringing all of these expensive gifts without getting equal ones for the other kids, and suggested that Eloise would be happier if they spent more time at Julia’s house.
Julia went to me and told me everything Alexa said. When Alexa confirmed everything, I told her that if she pulled this shit again she will be out of my house and I will personally drop her kids off to her ex husband.
Alexa has profusely apologized but she is upset that I’m threatening to make her homeless and take her kids away. My husband thinks I might have been a little harsh but I wanted to know if I was the asshole.
NTA. What else needs to be said? She was getting jealous of your special needs child and you nipped it in the bud as any sane and good parent would do. Some people need a stark wake up call to realize their behavior is awful, and that’s just what you gave Alexa.
Ancillary to the original point, but a lot of times siblings to a child with severe special needs *can* feel neglected or resentful, so make sure that’s something you are proactively keeping an eye on.
NTA. You’re doing your friend a huge kindness by allowing her to stay with you, and she’s repaying you by making unreasonable demands, and trying to disrupt your household.
I’d sit down with her and very calmly explain that her living with you is dependent on her not causing trouble for your family and derailing the systems you have in place. If she oversteps again she will be out the same day.
NTA. She threatened your disabled daughter’s relationship with her aunt. Behind your back. After you had already told her that no, you would not be changing arrangements.
This arrangement is temporary, and there’s no good reason to try and make everything identical for the kids as though you’re fusing families. You aren’t. She’s finding another place to live in a few months, so your kids actually don’t need to be treated the same, as long as your kids aren’t lording any advantages over hers.
Also? Equality is not the same as treating people identically. Your daughter has significant disabilities and needs extra support and a routine that the other kids don’t – and keeping contact with her biological family member is a major positive influence in her life.
It’s a complete and awful breach of trust that your “friend” would try to force the reduction of your daughter’s support system.
And you were absolutely right to tell her that she gets two strikes and she’s out. You might choose to give someone a second chance, but in my book you don’t get a third strike when you’ve committed an act of betrayal.
NTA
Julia is a saint, it appears. You can’t buy that kind of bond and help (and actually afford it). You wouldn’t make your friend homeless. Her actions are going to make her homeless. You set boundaries and are enforcing them. This creates consistency for Eloise. I have extremely limited experience with autism. From what I understand, consistency is worth its weight in gold, for the entire household.
UpdateMe
I think your friend has overstayed her welcome. What she did was so far beyond appropriate, it’s like she has forgotten that she is a guest in your house.
You need to have a blunt conversation with her, about where she is in her plans to move in to her own place. What steps has she made to “get back on her feet?”
I don’t think you were harsh at all. She went behind your back to do something you told her not to. She knew what she was doing. NTA
ESH
She’s massively out of line for behaving the way she is and messing with your pre existing living setup for your family. Tbh I don’t necessarily even think you’re out of line for giving her the ultimatum to stop messing with it or find somewhere else to live if her and her kids are this uncomfortable being here with you with the current setup. However, you’re also massively out of line for threatening to bring her kids to her ex. What on Earth prompted \*that\*? Regardless of your relationship with her, don’t transport peoples’ kids without their consent, that’s a legal/safety issue waiting to happen.
You were restrained in my opinion. She’s trying to make changes in your family that are none of her business. You told her no. She went to Julia anyway with her ridiculous requests. I would have kicked her out for that.
NTA and I’d rethink the length of her stay if I were you. Give her 30-60 days rather than an open ended invitation. She’s going to continue to bring strife into your family otherwise.
So I initially thought oh the other kids would be jealous and it’s a bit shitty of the aunt though Alexa is still well out of line. But Julie is Eloise’s biological aunt it’s actually pretty generous of her to bring anything for the other kids. Not to mention giving you the ability to spend extra quality time with the other kiddos.
Alexa is incredibly entitled and needs to be reminded that you are doing her a tremendous favour.
NTA. I’d probably put a clock on when Alexa needs to move out, you have more than enough on your plate already. It’s wild that she’s in your home (I’m assuming for free) and trying to tell other people what to do with their time and their money. Maybe some of that energy and attention should go into finding her own place.
And perhaps focus on parenting her kids – they are going to be treated differently at their dad’s and they need to accept that fairness doesn’t look exactly one way. Is it fair that Eloise went through whatever trauma that has her with you and is special needs? It sounds like Julia is being an amazing aunt trying to tip the scales in Eloise’s favor.
You need to remove this woman from your home ASAP. She sounds unhinged.
Then maybe she should mind her own business. NTA but your “friend” is
Alexa went to someone visiting your house, in which she is only a guest, and tried to throw her out? AFTER you told her that of course Julia is able to visit her niece and buy her presents? I don’t think I’d have even given her a second chance; I’d have had her out of the house and the children at her ex’s the first time she tried pulling this.
NTA. If anything, you were, um, very generous to let her stay in the first place and overly generous to give her a second chance after she tried to keep Julia out.