I came home from volunteering at my school and decided to eat dinner. When I walked in the house, I could tell my mom was in a bad mood. But I didn’t really think it mattered, since it’s always like walking on eggshells. After microwaving my meal, my brother decided he wanted dinner too.
I was picking up schoolwork and was about to bring it to my room when he was doing it, so I didn’t see him put it in the microwave. After it was done, my mother came into the kitchen to see what he made. The lid was still on the soup as my mom and my brother took it out and was not heated properly.
She began yelling at me screaming that I had to watch my brother make the soup and that I should have stepped up to make it for him, that I was never responsible for helping when he needed it, it was all my fault, etc. My brother is 11 years old, clearly old enough to read the one instruction of taking off the lid to heat up the soup.
I got angry and said how that was ridiculous, there wasn’t much help to give when the instructions said to just open the lid, how she didn’t tell me that I had to watch him, and that it wasn’t my fault since it was his soup and he should know how to read one step off the top. She then proceeded to call me the r word, stupid, how “I must be being a bitch because I’m about to start my period”, all the insults.
Then once things died down for a bit I decided thaw out some of my ice cream for a snack. I turn on the kitchen sink and warm it up to thaw the ice off. She comes up to me, telling me I turned it up too high, I’m too stupid to do anything right, etc. Then I just got so frustrated I slammed the ice cream tub on the table and yelled. I said how irrelevant this sort of issue was and that she was just trying to start another fight.
Of course it all spiraled into an argument, with her flipping me off, calling me a stupid bitch, the r word again. Then she calls my dad to complain to him about how I’m causing problems.
He gets off work they go into the kitchen and start talking again, and I overhear “her lazy ass doesn’t do anything. Have you ever once seen her study?” as I was SITTING on my BEDROOM FLOOR studying for the test I have tomorrow. I just lost it.
I opened up the door and started yelling again, since I try my best to study and keep up my good grades (all A’s, 3rd in my class, AP courses) and she’s ridiculous. My dad doesn’t say anything. My mom just looks at me with a look on her face like “see how crazy she is?” Like she hasn’t yelled at me over a poorly microwaved soup.
She calls me narcissistic and says it’s because of my autism, tells me I’m manipulative and ruining everyone’s lives, says I’m insane. My dad doesn’t say anything again. “Doesn’t want to take sides”, he says. Eventually he just walks me into my bathroom so I can stop crying and yelling about how frustrated I am. Him and my mom are still arguing now. Is she right?
NTA your mother is abusing you and I’m sorry for that
I’m sorry if I sound silly but what constitutes this as abuse? I’m not questioning you, just curious. I don’t think my counselor would take any of this seriously. My mom is rude towards me but I’m not doing without at home and I have a privileged lifestyle (car, nice house/things, food). CPS came over once and I just cried since I felt so guilty and they left. I don’t know what I would do if I got taken away. I’m almost 18 anyways and I need her money so I’m kind of stuck. I love my dad and all my family too.
emotional abuse is a form of abuse and it’s awful. children are mentally and emotionally vulnerable so it’s especially harmful when it comes from a parent or caregiver. if your mother repeatedly exhibits this kind of behaviour where she berates you over small things, loses her temper, screams slurs at you, purposefully says hurtful things etc, that is a pattern of emotional abuse.
i had this same mindset and view of abuse/trauma when i was in high school and believed i’d never been abused or experienced trauma, but after moving out of home i realised that i had trauma from emotional abuse (which is still abuse). i never really questioned my parents’ behaviour until i became an adult and gained more perspective. trauma can manifest in your mind and body regardless of the actual event; it’s just the way your brain chose to file away that event.
my advice is to acknowledge at least that your parents’ behaviour and treatment of you is wrong and you do not deserve that. remind yourself that you are proud of the person you are (i’m proud of you for your grades and academic achievements!! volunteering is also wonderful!). although it is hard, try your best not to rise to your mother’s level of anger. the more calm you are, the more childish their behaviour looks. i’ve found that questions are great responses to these situations, as they often flip the situation. for example: “do you hear what you’re saying?”, “what makes you think your reaction is appropriate?”, etc.l
Abuse goes far beyond the physical. That sense that you have to walk on eggshells around someone is one of the clearest hallmarks of abuse. (The sense that you have to gird yourself for being attacked/having a fight is another very common sign of abuse.)
You’ve described a very classic abuse dynamic here. She has an expectation for you, which she doesn’t actually state, she expects you to guess/already know. When you don’t behave exactly as expected, you are punished with verbal abuse – both the volume and the content of what she said was abuse.
I grew up with a privileged life and an abusive parent. My dad was also only verbally abusive. It breaks your sense of normal (or rather, if it starts at a young age, it prevents you from ever forming a health sense of what is normal), and that sets you up for allowing other people in your life treating you badly, too. You learn that verbal abuse is normal, and that being punished for not guessing what someone else wants is normal, and that being punished for not meeting unreasonable/unfair expectations is normal.
How would you possibly be the asshole here?
My dad said it wasn’t right to yell at her since she’s my mother but I just got angry and lashed out. I can’t really help it. I’m fed up with everything. I also didn’t help my brother but I didn’t really think he needed help but idk if that makes me the asshole or not. I would like to know other people’s thoughts.
NTA at all. I’m sorry, but your mother is outrageous. Calling you slurs? Flipping you off? Yelling at you over little things? This is pretty serious abuse, and your dad is also awful for letting this stuff happen. You deserve better than to be treated like this. Every child does. That being said, I don’t think yelling at your mom was the right call here. It’s only going to escalate things and make her treat you worse. Don’t let her fuel her fire with that. (And again, I’m not blaming you for any of this).
I don’t know how old you are, or if there are any options for you to be able to get away from this once you’re old enough. I don’t want to say too much without knowing about your life, but maybe you can look into talking to a trusted adult, like extended family or a friend’s parent? What your mother is doing is NOT ok, not at all. This is how people end up going no-contact with their parents, who are then wondering why their kids don’t talk to them anymore.
You are NOT the problem. And as soon as you’re able to move away from home, don’t hesitate to cut off this toxicity from your life. You deserve to be happy and to surround yourself with those who treat you well. Family is who we choose, not necessarily who’s related to us by blood. I hope, when the time comes, you don’t feel forced to stay in contact with your mom if she continues to treat you like this. You shouldn’t ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for yourself.
I can’t really help but yell and get angry in the heat of the moment. It’s better to not interact with her but when I walk away she just follows me. It’s hard to not react.
You should talk to your school counselor. You are NTA but your mother is mistreating you and abusing you. I have a son with autism and I’m absolutely appalled by the way your mother talks to you. Using that word to anyone is offensive but to say it to someone with autism is completely appalling and not true. Most people with autism are highly intelligent you more than likely are smarter than your mother is so take comfort in that anytime she says things to you like that.
NTA. Your dad needs to hear that he’s not choosing to “not take sides.“. He’s standing back and watching his wife abuse his child. By not doing anything about the abuse, even when it happens right in front of him, he is participating – he’s choosing to not protect his child while someone else hurts them. It’s co-signing the abuse.
And my dear, make no mistake, what you’re describing is abuse. Do you have any safe adults you can talk to about what you’re suffering through?
NTA, your mother needs to chill
I get the sense that you feel like this is a normal family dynamic on some level. Which is fair, if it’s how you were raised it’s going to feel normal. And it probably is “normal” in that plenty of families suck. But most people reading this are going to be shocked that your mother is so cruel to you, and that your dad doesn’t intervene. There’s no world in which you should even be questioning whether you’re TA here, because you’re so obviously not. NTA
NTA.
When someone resorts to name calling, it’s usually cause them themselves can’t give a good argument. Your mom’s calling you names and all that, while she’s the adult, shows how immature she is.
You’re young, and I can understand your frustration. However, yelling and screaming back will not be doing you any favors. You fell into her “see how crazy she is?” game. She’s not just bullying and abusing you, she’s playing you like you don’t mean anything, like your feelings don’t matter.
so, next time she’s name calling you, don’t react angrily. Calmly call her out “what? you can’t behave like an adult and not resort to name calling?” and ignore her. If she calls you stupid, just say “well, looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?”
turn the table around. make her the crazy one