My partner spends a lot of time at home just kind of watching YouTube and feeling alone or unhappy. I try and cheer them up by taking them on dates or going on walks or suggesting we watch a movie, but it seems like a lot of the time they are too tired. That’s totally understandable, we both work full time and struggle with sleep so I get it.
So I suggest that maybe they get into a hobby that’s just for them and requires a bit more social contact. We play magic, so maybe they could find a pod, or they mention getting leaner a lot, so I said maybe they should go to a gym or join a yoga class or maybe some sort of like hike group. Then they get mad at me for saying that they don’t do enough, or that the hobby they have is unhealthy.
I don’t think it’s crazy to say that watching YouTube all day every day is not a good constant in one’s life. I know it’s not my choice or my life, but I feel like being a good partner is hearing what your partner wants or needs and trying to either get that for them or gently push them to get it on their own (with support). Am I being a controlling asshole by doing this? Is there a better way to do this if it’s a good thing to do at all?
NAH
You can’t make someone want to change. If someone is stuck in a rut, and your gentle nudges and suggestions aren’t working, they aren’t ready yet. You have to decide if you want to be with someone stuck and unwilling to better themself, or if that’s a breaking point for you.
Second this, only other thing I may suggest is see if joining them would get them to go? Like your suggestion of getting them to go the gym, ask if they would like to join you (if you already go yourself)…?
Yeah I tried that, they really didn’t like being there with me. I lift weights and they wanted to do more cardio and flexibility stuff but they were nervous to do it alone. I totally get that, but I really have to stick to my routine or it eats at me. I mentioned joining one or the step or pilates classes they have at the gym but again they got kind of nervous about the idea.
Ahh darn, would warming up with them on like a cardio machine then separate and you go to lift then meet up again for flexibility / cool down help at all? Totally get sticking to your routine but even the little bits to get them started may help. If not…then not much you can do as you’ve at least offered support (which is awesome btw – don’t want to come off as being critical of you haha)!
Thanks for your insight. We’ve been together for almost ten years at this point so idk if I can just decide this is the breaking point, it’s more that I want to know if I’m communicating this in a healthy way and how I can maybe improve on communication in that aspect. But I don’t feel like I’m being particularly unkind or hurtful in the way I’m saying these things if that makes sense.
>I don’t think it’s crazy to say that watching YouTube all day every day is not a good constant in one’s life.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating someone, if the way they want to live their life does not match up to the way you want to live your life, and your wants and needs are different, it’s ok to say there’s an issue in the relationship.
Dating for 10 months, or 10 years, doesn’t mean that this is just the way your life is for the rest of forever. You’re 31, and your partner is 28.
I love hiking but I can’t stand if I have to work through the weekend or if I’m just stressed and my mom tells me I should go hiking. It’s just when someone tells you to do something or reminds you that you can’t do it, it takes the fun out of it. You can encourage but let them be themselves
That’s a good point, I think maybe I’m framing it as a specific task instead of “what would be cool to do this weekend?”
As someone that has been in your partners position there is no better way you can communicate this. You’ve tried to be gentle and encouraging but there seems to always be a reason or excuse. I saw in one of your replies they mentioned being nervous as a reason to not do something, if being nervous is all it takes to decide not to do something while knowing and wanting to better yourself then you’ll never get anywhere.
It sounds a little bit to me like you’re suggesting they do things that you like to do, what might they like to do (besides watch Youtube and maybe Magic). Did they used to have hobbies besides watching videos before? Maybe they’d like it if you sat and watched videos with them for a while (preferably without obviously looking down on it while doing so) And then if that works out maybe you could move on to suggesting other hobbies they might be interested in for other times. Maybe they’d like a dance class (together or not), or some kind of art or craft that has classes. A lot of these things also have Youtube tutorials they could watch if they are too tired to go out some days.
They could also have depression and what sounds like social anxiety, so maybe they’d be willing to talk to a therapist? But yeah maybe try hanging out with them to watch Youtube sometimes. Soft NAH.
Yeah sorry I didn’t post all of the hobbies I’ve suggested but they are very artistic and interested in art history. I have also suggested some of those wine crafting get togethers or like a chill art history book club or some sort of artist meetup thing that I’m not necessarily aware of (I’m not exactly an artistic guy in that sense). But yeah it doesn’t have to be something I also enjoy. They just expressed also wanting to go to the gym or also playing more magic more explicitly.
See the other thing is that they just don’t really want to watch anything with me. They want space and to do their thing, but they also will like talk to me from the other room about unrelated stuff. And I don’t look down on watching YouTube, I do plenty of it myself. I apologize if it came off that way, that’s not my intention in any way.
Edit: sorry I forgot to mention they have some trauma relating to therapists from some stuff that happened in their past. I’m not going to give any more details than that, but it is understandable why they wouldn’t necessarily be willing to do that again, even if maybe the right therapist does exist and could absolutely help them with some of their stuff. Maybe if I went to a therapist first it would help them try again? I mean I should probably talk to someone anyway lol.