Fiancé (31) and I (29) have been together for 4 years. Throughout our relationship we’ve split bills evenly, he pays slightly more (about 400$). He does make 3x what I make, but this is how it’s always been. The times when I did bring up if he could pay more since he makes more, he shut it down and actually wasn’t very understanding of me. He has also stated that he doesn’t want shared finances.
This was probably 2 years ago. Since then, we haven’t really talked about it formally. He does pay for me on dates and has been generous enough to cover hotel costs or buy a concert ticket for me. And I am very appreciative of it. I never ask him for anything. He does these things, but then if we get into an argument or he’s drunk he’ll make comments like “do you know how much money I’ve spent on you” and “you know I paid for this hotel right” and “okay so I just have to front the cost for this” and “just because I’m the breadwinner means you get half of my things?”. I will say, he owns our house and he paid for all the Renos completely. He also covers those expenses (taxes, any new Renos) because he’s the only one on the title. I feel sometimes he’s gotten upset over how much he has to spend and makes some remarks saying how I don’t have to worry about that when he does.
These things have been a point of contention with us, but we’ve dealt with it by me helping out where I can and also treating him sometimes. Recently, I’ve been confiding in him about my money stresses. I have some debt (7k) and I am struggling to pay it off. There have been times where he won’t charge me for a 50$ thing to help me or cover cost of hotel etc. I feel like I keep going deeper in the hole because we never say no to plans. I asked him if we could start picking and choosing things to go instead of doing everything.
Recently another potential music festival came up and I told him I was concerned because I can’t afford it. I told him I feel bad and guilty for him paying for me lately and I worry that this will breed resentment since in the past he has made snide comments that have made me feel guilty. He denied ever making comments, saying he doesn’t remember that. I felt a little crazy in the moment because I remember how they’ve made me feel in the moment.
He told me he would cover everything and I need to just focus and pay off my debt. For some reason I was really stubborn about this and maybe it’s my ego or pride too. But I was telling him I don’t feel heard and this will still cost me money in some way or another. He then goes “usually someone would be happy another person is paying, but you are taking this badly and causing problems for no reason”. I felt incredibly bad because I don’t want him to think I’m ungrateful, I’m just worried about him using this against me later on… He said he won’t. He did say that he wants to help me in any way and it made me feel bad that I was acting stubborn to it.
I feel so bad and terrible about this.
AITA for turning down money from my fiancé?
NTA. But this is what financial abuse looks like: he is using money to control you and make you feel bad.
An equitable split of finances in a committed relationship usually means either the higher paid person paying more without using it to make you feel bad, OR split costs so that both pay e.g. 10% of their earnings into a shared “fun” pot.
Trying to match his spend will also mean you can’t build up savings and are left in a vulnerable position.
This is breakup worthy stuff.
If he doesn’t want to share finances then you shouldn’t get married.
In our marriage, it doesn’t matter who earns more, everything goes in one pot. Bills get paid, debt cleared, we budget the same amount of spending money each and everything else goes into joint savings. If we use our own spending money for things like meals out, we don’t count the pennies over who spent what.
Who is going yo pay fir the wedding? What if you have kids? Is he really ready for marriage as it sounds like he doesn’t see you as an equal.
NTA
Do not marry this man. NTA for not taking money from someone who holds it over your head that they spend money on you and then gaslights you about having done that.
You shouldnt get married unless you’ve had satisfactory conversations about everything. If he makes 3x as much as you, he should cover 70% of the home bills. He should be fine with paying for you. Sounds like a red flag
Don’t marry him. He’s purposely or unknowingly putting you in a precarious financial position- one means he’s a manipulative ass and the other means he’s thoughtless/selfish. Break up time.
My god, don’t marry this financially abusive person. He’s holding money over your head, and then gaslighting you about it. His refusal to recognize your financial stress is digging you deeper into a debt hole, one that makes you more and more reliant on him. Break it off, pay off your debt, and find someone who actually treats you like a partner.
He is the asshole and this is a toxic relationship. I know that it is less popular with young people than it is with older generations. You’re playing house with a guy who isn’t actually invested.
NTA to anyone but yourself. There are other men out there! This is not a partnership, how can you even think you want this for the rest of your life?
NTA don’t marry this man. The second that he started using gifts against you he became financially abusive. And now he’s walking back his words? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA and I’d end the relationship.
1. Someone making 3x should not be splitting the bill evenly. Equity is paying proportional to your income and debt load. You should be paying at most 30% of the bills.
I say this as someone who makes way more than my partner. Being fair to her, I could never ask her to pay 50/50. 50% of something is not going to be a big deal out of my bank account but will be for her.
2. What he says when he’s angry or drunk is how he feels. He feels like you owe him and that he pays for you and that you’re beholden to him. Red flag.
Marriages are partnerships, and this relationship isn’t a partnership. Your fiancé is keeping score at your expense.
Since you will have shared/household expenses as a married couple, you need some degree of shared finances. The minimum being a joint account you both contribute to. Ideally, each partner’s contribution would be proportional to their income, so you don’t have one partner flush with cash and the other struggling to pay their individual bills. The scorekeeping also has to stop for your relationship’s sake.
Do not marry until you both discuss how you will handle finances after marriage and you’re both satisfied that your plan is fair and equitable.
NTA, does he even like you?
Out of curiosity, did he make you pay for half your engagement ring? (Do you even have a ring?) Or does he frequently throw it in your face how much he spent on it when you have an argument and he’s drinking? Alcohol is also known as “truth serum”, btw. He’s literally keeping track of how much money he spends on you.
“…in the past he has made snide comments that have made me feel guilty. He denied ever making comments, saying he doesn’t remember that…”
You’re being gaslit and he refuses to take accountability for his actions. This man is stingy, manipulative and financially and emotionally abusive.
I feel sick on your behalf reading how he treats you. Not having a man is better than having this one.
NTA but please don’t marry this man. He is using his financial status to get ahead in life while you struggle. And in the process, he makes you feel bad when he pays for something. This is financial abuse.
NTA.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
Some who berates you when they treat you after insisting is not a kind person. Someone who dosent respect your budget is not a kind person. Someone who insists on 50/50 when their partner is struggling is not nice.
50/50 in a serious long term relationship is NOT FAIR.
Do you want to be treated this way forever?
How do you plan to manage finances once you are married?