I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. She has depression and is on antidepressants. When we got together our sex life was fine and we had sex regularly.
For the last 2 years it’s been pretty much non existent. My gf switched antidepressants but when our sex life started getting affected she mentioned wanting me to initiate sex more.
I tried this and got rejected every time. Last year we had sex twice. I asked her how she’d like me to initiate and she said she doesn’t know.
This year she’s been feeling low mentally. For the last few months things have been better for her. Again when we I e tried I pitting sex she rejects me.
She passed her university qualification last week and I booked a weekend at a romantic hotel for us. We got there, had some spa treatments, a nice meal then went back to the room and I got rejected again.
The next day I was upset and she asked what was wrong and I just explained how being constantly rejected has pretty much ruined my self esteem.
She said I wasn’t being fair but I just said she can’t repeatedly ask me to initiate sex only to reject me every time.
She again said I wasn’t being fair and she can’t help having depression but I just said she can’t expect me to go without sex permanently while being constantly rejected.
She said I was being harsh but I don’t think I am. I explained to her something has to change as she can’t expect me to just accept not having sex and being rejected when I try to initiate it.
AITA for voicing how rejected I’ve been feeling?
I think this is above our pay grade and you should look into a relationships channel.
Nta. If you need to have sex in your relationship to be happy, you are not compatible and need to break up.
This is a good moment for counseling.
You have a reasonable need, and it’s not fair of her to ask you to initiate if she’s never going to be up for it. She needs to be upfront and honest as well.
NTA – But, just for some perspecitve – i was on SSRIs for many years (during which i was single, so none of these issues presented), and I had around zero interest in sex. I was a full-blown eunuch and pretty happy with that state of affairs.
I guess I’m (over) sharing this just to point out how completely an antidepressant can decimate a sex drive. It is a difficult situtaion, but keep this part in mind.
And that’s fine, but then you shouldn’t also continuously tell someone to initiate sex. She needs to understand how HER medication affects HER mood, because it’s not fair to tell OP to keep initiating when it’s obvious that she will never actually respond to it.
She’s like the idea of being in a sexually active relationship, but she needs to recognize that it’s not possible how things are now, and either change something or get okay with the idea that her sex drive is dead.
Rough spot you’re in my dude. Idk, I think y’all might be sexually incompatible. You haven’t done wrong and she hasn’t either, so I’ll go with NAH
She has if she asks him to initiate more, and then rejects him every time. If she wants a sexless relishing should should say that. If there are only a few moments when she is interested in sex, then she should initiate at those time. He can’t be redirected to guess.
NTA.
\- It is OK for you to need things from your relationship. You are not a nurse, you are a boyfriend. So you should not feel guilty for feeling there are things you want out of a relationship.
\- You have been measured, patient, and careful in the way you have dealt with this problem. It has been two years.
\- Your girlfriend is not a bad person. Neither are you.
There have been depressed people in my life and I now have a policy of not having relationships with people who are depressed. I provide support by being a friend.
It’s great that nowadays there is a lot more openness about depression, but on the negative side, there are people who feel that anyone who is not depressed should do whatever a depressed person wants in a relationship. That is not the way to have a happy relationship.
This has been happening for two years and you have seen no change and no willingness to change. At this point, I would accept that things are not going to change. You can stay in this situation, but if you do, there will be no sex and you will have to deal with the depression. I don’t know if you also mean that there’s no physical affection. You will need to decide whether to deal with that.
Completely NTA. You voiced your opinion and communicated how you felt. She isn’t obligated to sleep with you and she’s right that it’s not her fault for having depression. But it also means that you both are sexually incompatible and that’s valid. You aren’t obligated to stay in this relationship.
NTA you have needs too. Suggest she trys different medications that will help her depression and still give her a healthy sex drive. I have anxiety and the meds for depression are often used to treat this and have found that some killed my libido completely.
I spoke to my doctor and we changed up my meds and everything was fine after that.
Make sure she talks to her doc and they are across the changes as its a big deal swapping meds!
NAH, she can’t get better, and in fact, rejecting you while asking you to initiate is probably making thing worse for her too, but at the same time, yeah, it fuck you up real bad having your partner consistently regecting you everytime while you try to make every “right” steps.
Maybe try to ask her how she feel about the situation, and convince her it’s probably best if she is the one initiating, at least for your own good.
NTA
She has a depression, but that doesn’t mean that everything revolves only around her. You have feelings to.
It doesn’t sound like her medicine is helping her sufficiently. I think you need to be kind and warm, but firm. She cannot be in acceptance of being depressed, it is a state she needs to fight her way out of.
If I were you, I would ask why you should keep working on the relationship if she’s not. She needs to be working on getting better, mostly for herself, but also for you.
NAH- you expressed your feelings in a healthy, measured way, as did she.
It’s ok to want sex, and it’s also ok not to want sex.
I would suggest that she speak to her doctor about having a lack of libido (it sounds like as she wants you to initiate that this is something that is important to her too). And I would point out to OP that foreplay is a full day event for a lot of women. We can’t just suddenly switch it on.
Good luck, it’s a tough situation but no one is being an AH.
If your GF is interested in changing this situation, get yourselves to a couples therapist with some background in sex therapy, and to a psychiatrist who understands the impact of psycho-active medications on libido, and who can experiment with her meds. If she doesn’t want to do any of this, think about whether this is the future you want. And absolutely NTA for sharing your feelings.