So i wont go into a long backstory covering everything. However to keep it brief i discovered my partner of over ten years having an emotional affair bordering on physical with a co-worker of her on Halloween, when she had left her Facebook open on the shared computer.
Anyway, we are currently going through the process of separation as we try to figure out where things stand and if we want to try to save things between us or not. We are both seeing different therapists for our issues that have arisen during the course of our relationship (We both had issues with communication with one another and things we need to work on individually – though part of me wishes these issues would have been communicated earlier but cant change it now), she also has a lot of past trauma from previous relationships including DV and the like which are haunting her a lot right now. We also have the complicating factor of having a 4 year old daughter together. Now considering the state of housing and rental markets down here in Australia we have decided to co-habitate until she starts school next year, because she is so excited about going to the school we are in catchment for, if we were to move now, she would be in a different catchment and no longer eligible to go to that school, however once she starts school where we live is no longer a factor.
There is no arguing or fighting between myself and my (ex)partner and we currently rent quite a large house, so i have moved downstairs, whilst she has upstairs.
Now onto the crux of the issue, we have always had separate bank accounts and always shared rent 50/50. However i earn quite a bit more then she does, so i have always shouldered a lot of the bills, which i never really had a problem with at all during the relationship. But now that is has come to end i am wanting to even things up so its more even, i did a bit of maths in Excel and i was covering around 71% of our bills whilst she covered the rest.
Now we have already started splitting the childcare/kindergarten costs and power bill 50/50. However there is still a big elephant in the room in the form of our cars. I am currently paying for both my own car and all it’s running costs, along with her car and all of it’s running costs. Her car is leased which is paid through part of my before tax wages and a chunk of after tax (Commonly called salary sacrifice down here), which also mean i dont technically own her car the leasing company does, however it still costs me around $700-800 a month.
The problem now becomes that she is already struggling for money now that we are splitting childcare and power. And her car is absolutely essential for her to do her job. But now that we are no longer together I dont think it is entirely fair for me to keep paying for her car. It also pains me to have to put her in this position as well.
TLDR: Am I the asshole for wanting to make things on the finance side more fair and even whilst we are separated.
Fake. No Aussie says math. In the great southern land we say ‘maths’.
There changed, better now?
INFO “fair and even” does this also apply to household work, childcare etc? LIke, being responsible for your child, not the child care costs. Do you cook half the meals, clean half the house?
Does she have the same number of childfree hours you do?
Okay. I hear you. But the fact is with the way the rental market is in Australia and along with the cost of living, if you proceed with 50/50 from here on, your ex partner will have a significantly tougher time moving out and you moving on. If she is able to save for a future, you, and your child will be happier in the long run. I would look at it from a, how soon do I want to take control of my life kind of way. How you treat your ex will show your daughter how she should be treated by men. That’s what a father is. I have a feeling that you’re a pretty decent dad and I would focus hard on that right now.
Good luck.
I agree, I was thinking the same or, if he really doesn’t want to, maybe taper his contribution over the next year? Assuming she’s not being difficult, allowing her to save up so she can get somewhere decent, sets a great precedent.
My brother and his wife split and everything, especially money, got nasty. This has had a lasting impact on their children (now adults) and one barely has any relationship with his mum. When my husband and I split, I could have been difficult about a few things (as could he) but wasn’t. However we felt about each other, we have to have some type of relationship for the rest of our lives and we both have a great relationship with our children as a result. In these circumstances, you have to put your ego and emotions aside and do what’s best for your children even if it’s not ‘fair’.
The big problem with that as well is if i continue paying for it all myself, i will have problems saving and moving out eventually as well. So really between a rock and a hard place in that regard. Neither of us will be able to afford to stay in the current house by ourselves. We will both need to eventually go our own way.
If there is a difference in income you would normally be paying alimony and child support. In this instance is she doing more childcare? If you went to divorce you’d have to pay some alimony, would the car payment cover that?
Figure out what your child support obligation would be, if any, as I am not familiar with your countries’s laws. Here in the US, you would be responsible for quite a chunk, even with 50-50 if there’s a huge income discrepancy in most states. That can determine if it’s in your interest to continue the car. You also do need to have this conversation with her sooner rather than later so she can determine her career next steps.
So if you both have a car, can you switch so the car you are paying so much for becomes your transportation, as it is a large expense.
If there is only one vehicle, you need to suck that cost up as she is already struggling and although her cheating wasn’t fair, your finances are much more complex.
In a normal divorce the assets are split and expenses split and income disparities are made up in child support and alimony. Where I think you need to change the division of bills is you pay a proportional amount of childcare and housing and she covers her car. This is more how it would be handled in a legal aspect. So if you make 70% of the income you cover 70% of what it’s costing to help raise your child including housing and household expenses. The car then should be able to be covered by her. This way it looks more realistic to what a divorce would.
We have two cars and i am currently for both. My car is about $369 a month (Not including running costs/fuel/maintenance), her current car, is about $700-800 per month, but includes all running costs/fuel/maintenance, but it is leased, so i don’t technically own it.
I took out the lease for her car about two years ago, after the engine in her Hyundai blew. Side note, don’t get a Hyundai/Kia ever.
We aren’t married so there is Divorce technically speaking, we would be in what is called De Facto relationship at this point. However very similar to a marriage as far as everything is concerned
Talk to a lawyer and then decide
NTA. Her car, her responsibility. If she can’t afford a car that costs $800 a month, she needs to get one that is more affordable for her. That high of a payment tells me it’s probably a new(er) vehicle. She’s going to have to learn to live within her means.
Nta not your car not your problem. Remove your salary from it. Maybe her ap will help(not).