I moved from the USA to Madrid and live with two roommates. Things were fine at first, but over time there’s been tension and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
A few months ago, I bought my own pan because shared kitchen items were often used without asking and not cleaned properly. I explained that it’s personal and that if someone wants to use it, they need to ask first and wash it immediately after. Since then, it feels like there’s been some distance between us.
Cleaning is also an issue. My roommates don’t seem bothered by dust or spills in common areas and don’t want to pay for a cleaner. I made a cleaning schedule that they agreed to, but they never follow it, so I end up cleaning the shared spaces myself.
Noise has been another problem. The walls are very thin and my room shares a wall with the living room TV. When they watch TV or hang out together, I can hear everything clearly from my room, which makes it hard to relax.
I don’t want to be controlling, but I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own home or like I’m the only one enforcing cleanliness and boundaries.
INFO: are your roommates locals, or also from the US or elsewhere
From USA as well
Hmm, then I’d say somewhere between ESH and NAH.
On paper you have every right to draw a line in the sand, have your own pan, want a clean and quiet environment.
Buuut.. they live there too. Especially with the noise. People make noise. If it is bothersome to you, then you are the one who needs to make the accommodations for yourself. Earplugs, white noise, stacking stuff against that wall to buffer the sounds (bookshelves/dressers/or even some sound tiles)
Expecting them to cater to your needs/wants or tip toe around their own home is too much
Socially, you’ve put a lot of space between you and them.
So everyone is kinda disrespectful here but also completely reasonable. Sharing space is hard
You haven’t mentioned a boundary? Even with regard to your new pan–no indication that they aren’t doing as you ask? This post just sounds to me like complaining about their existence, trying to be bossy, and being pissed off that they are no longer being explicitly cheery and friendly toward you while you play house manager and noise police. You manifested this tension. Congratulations.
I stated to them multiple times about the cleaning and how it was dirty and even creating a schedule for us to follow. I set a boundary with the pan once i saw they ised it and didnt clean it just left it there. And the tv thing is new. Im not pissed, yes it sucks to feel excluded, but i have my own friends
INFO: Did these two people live together and you moved into an established home? Did you talk and ask questions about this kind of thing before you moved in, and were you upfront about your own expectations of cleanliness and shared items?
No, we three didnt really know much about each other before moving together. It was more like convenience for the three of us and not knowing anybody else to move in with in that moment and we just pulled towards each other. I told them if they wanted to set certain boundaries, but they never follow thru and the difference in schedules never helped, definitely a lesson learned there
Hmm, okay, then I’m caught between ESH and NAH. If they’re treating the space disrespectfully by actively making it dirty and refusing to clean up after themselves, that’s one thing, but if it’s really just that all of you have different standards of cleanliness and you didn’t discuss these (pretty basic) elements of being adults and living together…you don’t really have much standing to ask them to change, especially since 2/3 of the people in the house want to live one way and you want another. You can suggest a cleaning schedule, but you can’t *make* another adult clean, and a cleaning schedule will come across oddly in a dynamic where most of the other people in the house have a more lax view of household chores.
As for the other stuff, I’m honestly not surprised there’s social distance between you and them if you’re shutting yourself in your room when they hang out together and complaining about “noise” when it’s literally just them talking to each other and watching television. From their POV, they moved in with someone who doesn’t hang out with them and is displeased when they socialize with each other, and then presented them with a cleaning schedule when they didn’t see an issue with the cleanliness level of the apartment. That *would* introduce a bit of tension for most people, I think.
Need info: what would the “clearer boundaries” be exactly? Other than the pan incident, you list some of their behaviors you find rude/irritating- has there already been confrontations about these behaviors? If so, what boundaries did you try to enforce? What was the reaction?
Also this wording is a bit odd: you say “shared kitchen items were used…without asking” if they are shared, why would permission be needed to use them?
You aren’t necessarily an asshole based on wanting a clean and tidy and quiet home, but you appear to be in the minority of having those values in your living situation. You might be an asshole if you are unwilling to compromise, have designated yourself head of the household unceremoniously, or are being passive aggressive in your actions or communication style (it seems like maybe when they asked about the pan and you said it was personal? Perhaps that would have been a good time to politely but directly voice your concerns about the cleanliness and courtesy of the communal living space?)
Well, the clearer boundaries maybe would resonate towards the keeping things clean and the noise situation. Theres been confrontations towards the pan and the cleaning, i have told them multiple times i dont want to live somewhere dirty and if we could either get a cleaning lady or schedule, they agreed to the schedule, but they never followed through, so maybe i should either be more stricter or just let it go.
Yes the kitchen is shared, but i believe certain utensils if you want to invest int them for you or just dont want to wait to use something, might as well by your own. I bought things to share but i also bought a pan for myself.
I do compromise, i do let them use the pan of they ask, i cook and they eat my food and dont tell them anything, my roommates dont wanna use heaters in the living in 5 degree weather so im cold most of the time but i feel like thats me compromising
Ok, so the kitchen items are actually your things that you are “willing” to share if asked, not group purchased or communal from the outset items. Although, if you were like hey I’ll get this stuff for US to use in the kitchen (without being clear, like this is MY stuff, but IF you ask, I’ll let you use it), I don’t really think it’s a big deal they are using the items they think are communal… I’m not sure it’s boundaries necessary you may need, but clearer communication. It sounds like a lot of stuff happens that may be causing resentment in you that your roommates might not be fully aware of, and you might be acting passive aggressively, which surely will add to tension and cause distance in the group, especially since things started out fine at first, according to you, and the roommates seem like they are just doing maybe what they always did. This is long but:
If you aren’t really discussing things with your roommates so everyone is aware of everyone else’s expectations, including expectations they have for YOU (and that compromise is even happening – if they eat your food and you don’t say anything, they are not likely to know this is an issue for you that you feel you are compromising on, or you’re gutting out the cold because they don’t want to use the heaters, etc; likewise they may be expecting something different from you and feel like THEY are compromising to appease you in ways you are not aware of). They may not even realize they are being loud (if they are being loud – I for one, get very irritated by noise, but I often recognize that it’s not necessarily other people being “loud” it’s just the realities of shared walls/spaces/urban living, unfortunately).
This seems more fitting for AIO than AITA, cause I’m not sure there are assholes necessarily here right now (or maybe ESH), just a group of people that maybe have different expectations/standards/vibes that aren’t necessarily gelling at the moment. If you like your roommates and/or need to stay in this living situation for an extended period of time, I do think the best thing is to have a calm, fair, non condescending \*realistic\* chat. If you are going to bed at 19:00 and they are watching tv at a normal volume (but it’s loud to \*you\*) then you will just need to suck it up, get some earplugs, noise cancelling headphones, good white noise machine (maybe get these things anyway). If they are raging at 2am, then it’s fair to ask them that after a certain time (like 23:00) they keep it down; all agreed to chore sharing but the chores aren’t really being shared and it’s causing you to be distant and you don’t want to feel that way or make them feel uncomfortable either, can we come to an agreement that can actually be followed?.., maybe you can use the shared kitchen stuff \*anytime\* provided that it’s cleaned and put away after use… but ultimately the way you like to live might not just be compatible with the way they like to live.
NTA. I am Spanish and I also had my own cooking utensils when living in a shared flat. Because I want to find them as I left them (in terms of cleanliness and upkeep). I did have it easier because my flatmates would make less noise on request, but it’s true that my room wasn’t as badly situated as yours.
I see people saying “well they live there too, it is their home” and I agree, BUT when you live in a shared flat you give up some of your authonomy. I feel like you must give up making as much noise or having friends over fairly often for that reason: it is your home, but it isn’t ONLY yours. Everyone gets a say and being able to sleep/rest/work should be a priority.
I’d probably lean towards NAH, although that’s assuming that you’re under the age of 30.
These just sound like stock standard issues you should expect in a share house. You sound like the exhausting housemate honestly. Probably best to save your time and energy as this will become a lose lose situation for you.