My wife and I have a 2 year old daughter (almost 3). Since the day she was born, she has slept in our bed every single night and has essentially been by our side 24/7. She has her own room, which originally had a crib and now has a toddler bed, but she has never actually slept in it independently.
Recently, our daughter has started showing curiosity about sleeping in her own bed and has even verbalized that she wants to. However, whenever this comes up, my wife either sleeps on the floor in our daughter’s room or refuses altogether and keeps her in our bed.
Outside of sleep, my wife is extremely anxious about allowing any independence. If our toddler walks toward another room, even when my wife and I are close by, like being in the kitchen while she heads into the living room my wife panics and yells at me to immediately jump up and run after her. There’s no actual danger, just a different room in our house, but it’s treated like an emergency.
Our daughter has also never gone down the stairs independently. If she tries, my wife freaks out and either carries her or insists she hold her hand the entire time. While I understand wanting to keep her safe, this level of reaction feels excessive to me.
I see other children in our neighborhood some even younger than our daughter who have much more independence. Lately, I’ve noticed my daughter almost testing boundaries and pushing these situations, possibly to get a reaction from us.
I’ve tried to calmly explain that I think we need to start encouraging age-appropriate independence. I don’t think it’s healthy for any of us to be sleeping together every night indefinitely, and I don’t think reacting with panic every time our daughter explores a few steps away is helping her develop confidence. I believe safe exploration is important.
When I brought this up, my wife became extremely upset and told me that I “don’t understand” and that I’m being insensitive. The conversation quickly became emotional, and I now feel like I’m being painted as uncaring simply for wanting boundaries and independence appropriate for her age.
This has caused a significant strain in our relationship, as it feels like my concerns and opinions aren’t being heard at all.
NTA. You need to encourage her to get treatment. She is damaging your daughter’s development with her post parting anxieties. You need to step up IMMEDIATELY for your child.
NAH This sounds like postpartum anxiety. Have you reached out to her parents or siblings? Her doctor?
Neither of you are jerks. I think your wife needs therapy. She has severe anxiety and it’s important she gets help so she doesn’t pass it on to your child.
I don’t know how you can help her. But I wish you luck.
Your wife needs therapy
Our daughter has never gone down the stairs independently is a red flag. My man people have their kids skiing at this age.
Bro I know. I see kids my daughter’s age doing things my daughter hasn’t ever done nor knows how. I understand anxiety, I get being worried. But if my child isn’t allowed to do the stairs what the hell are we gonna do.
have a 3 he’s been up and down the stairs, climbing jungle gym and slides for a while now… she’s going to have to let up they NEED to explore for their development. sleeping if the kid wants to move to her own bed it should be encouraged too.
NTA
You are absolutely correct. Your wife is doing your daughter no favors here.
Can you get Wife into therapy? Or to speak to a child behaviorist? Your wife really really needs to get a grip before she irreparably damages your daughter.
NTA, you need to get your wife into therapy. She is going to cause harm long-term to your kid if she continues hovering over her 24/7.
NTA. I don’t know how you’ll convince her, but she is actively harming your daughter. Spot her going down the stairs? Sure. But hold her hand or insist on carrying her? No. She’s teaching your daughter to be helpless. The more kids are allowed to do independently (but gently supervised), the more confident and well-adjusted they will be as adults. It honestly sounds like your wife needs some serious therapy.
NTA. It is not healthy for your wife to be stunting your daughter’s independence like this. It sounds like your wife has very high levels of anxiety around this and it is unlikely that anything you say will convince her to change, she probably needs some sort of professional help. This needs to be done ASAP so it doesn’t affect your daughter’s development, otherwise she will never learn how to cope without being hovered over.
NTA but hold off having any more children for a while until your wife can get counselling.
NTA, sounds like your wife is placing her comfort over your daughter’s development. Some therapy is in order for her anxious smothering.
As a teacher, teaching middle school students who are used to parents doing everything for them and being protected from struggling, tell your wife to knock it the fuck off.
As a parent of two kids much older than yours, who made sure to offer just enough struggle to learn how to practice struggle and overcome it, tell your wife to knock it the fuck off.
And on behalf of the teenager who is really frustrated with said middle-school kids not being able to be competent to take any sort of action that could be maybe seen as needing initiative or risk-taking, tell your wife to knock it the fuck off.
As a caring person with family and friends with anxiety, I urge you to help your wife find counseling and effective therapy for the mental health struggle she’s not working through that is already causing harm to her daughter even though she has nothing but good intentions borne out of her deep love for her child. She needs help through this, you are not the one who can or should do this, and she is likely going to struggle through it. But she can, and must, do so – for your daughter’s and her own.