Okay so..I’ve been married for a few years and together for about 5. In the beginning of the relationship, my wife had almost no relationship with her mother. They weren’t on bad terms, they just didn’t talk or visit often. Maybe once every couple months.
My family and I are very close and spend Sundays having dinner etc. My wife always came and enjoyed herself. We have drinks, food, laugh, chat, whatever.
Anyhow.. her mother noticed this and slowly wanted to try to forcefully cultivate a relationship, similar to my family. I guess I get that, even if ita not organic. That’s not my issue.
Now my MIL invites herself over all the time.. and comes over to "clean". What it really is, is a chance to snoop around our lives. She’s into EVERYTHING even though she was only going to do light cleaning. I asked her to obey certain rules and respect certain boundaries and privacy. She doesn’t. I’ve asked my.wife to address it. No luck. On top of it she’s a very condescending and passive aggressive person. Also, a very conservative, church type woman. But that’s another story.
Yesterday morning before work I knew she was coming over. I’ve asked her to respect my space and she hasn’t. So I took my wifes sex toys and out then in a drawer I specifically asked her to stay out of.
I got a message later tbat day from my wife questioning me about this. Anyways. AITA? Did I go to far?
NTA. I’d tell my wife “Handle this, or I’m changing the locks.”
Things have been said..
Then change the locks.
And demand couple’s therapy – if that does not work, there is always the optrion of divorce.
NTA. MIL snooped even after being specifically told to stay out of certain places. She will never admit it but she found what she wanted- something that she can pretend upsets and shocks her. No reason to snoop if you aren’t trying to find something you think is juicy and gossipy. Maybe and that is a BIG maybe she is a little bit disappointed what she found is what she considers the goods on her daughter, not you, but if you go snooping you have to take what you find, not what you hoped to find.
Interesting perspective I hadn’t thought of it like that
I wish I could say it‘s because I am really smart and insightful but it’s really because I grew up with a snoop sister and then added the snoop MIL later. Among other things my snoop sister tattled to my parents that 16 year old me was on birth control pills that she “happened” to find when I “accidentally” left them in the bathroom. Except I kept the pills in my underwear drawer in my room, only took them in my room so they never left my room, and they weren’t birth control pills but prescription pills for bad acne that my parents knew about because they took me to the dermatologist who prescribed them and picked them up from the pharmacy when they got refilled. I kept them in my underwear drawer because Sister Snoop was also a relentless bully who took any chance to publicly embarrass me so my parents and I decided my acne treatment including seeing a doctor would be kept secret from her so she wouldn’t tell everyone I had to take pills for zits. We knew she would say that I was gross, didn’t wash my face, ate a bunch of junk food, and whatever other lies she could invent. She still told people at school she found me hiding birth control pills in my underwear drawer. It backfired when she got yelled at in class by a PE teacher who heard her told her that she would hate having a sister like her and that my sister were her kid she would make her apologize to me in front of my family, our church, and the whole school. My sister ended up being made fun of after the teacher shamed her. Wish I could say it cured her of snooping and bullying but Karma caught up with her in a lot of ways as a result of both.
You put MIL on the defensive and in a way she can’t even really defend. If she tells people she found sex toys, if pressed she will have to admit they are her own child’s sex toys AND that she found them when snooping. My MIL is a bad liar so when I would confront her around other people about things she found while snooping and then told others, she would come up with ridiculous stories. Like when she “found” a receipt for a bunch of booze I bought. She was trying to tell people I was an alcoholic. When I asked her in front of others how she knew I bought so much booze, she tried to claim she was at our house, got cold, and put on my spouse’s sweater. When she put her cold hands into the pockets to warm them, she claimed she found the receipt. I pointed out she found it in HER kid’s pocket but was saying I am the alcoholic. She froze. I then told her in front of everyone that the receipt had gone from the cash register to my wallet to the person who was hosting the party who had asked if I would pick up the alcohol he had ordered for the party because the store was a block from my work and I went right by the store and his house on the way I drive home from work every day so because we are good friends I did him the favor. I gave him the receipt when I gave him the booze because he insisted on repaying me for all of it even though I offered to pay for some of it.
Snoops are assholes. You aren’t.
NTA but you have a wife problem. She has zero respect for you
I am kind of beginning to feel that way. For more than just this reason
NTA. If your MIL won’t respect boundaries set INSIDE YOUR OWN HOME then change the locks.
Nta, but if you don’t want mil to clean, you need to step up and do it.
But I do!!!!!! I clean, cook, do the fix ups.. mow the lawn.. EVERYTHING!!!!!! WHY IS SHE EVEN HERE!!!!!!!
if you are cleaning the toilets and mopping the kitchen, what is there for her to do?
Basically root thru my shit. Clearly I will have to be assertive ND direct with her
Because your Ah wife does this to you, and you allow it.