I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, and it has generally been a healthy, good relationship. However, in July I found out he did strong drugs back in February while drunk, and had lied about it for months. From the beginning I made it very clear that heavy substances are a firm boundary for me, and something I would end a relationship over. He knew this and said it wouldn’t be an issue.
Learning the truth really hurt and broke my trust. I felt he chose one night of fun over our relationship, knowing the risk. We talked, he admitted there was a lot to repair, and I decided to stay. But the following week he repeatedly chose partying, drinking, and friends over me, and didn’t take responsibility for rebuilding trust.
He has tried to repair things since then and I’ve tried to forgive, but his actions are inconsistent. It will be good for weeks, than bad for a few days, then good. He does nice things like taking me to dinner or day trips, but that doesn’t address the trust itself.
In September he had a work event far away and planned to get drunk. I was anxious, and he promised to reassure me. Instead, he consciously avoided telling me he was drunk and that his phone was dying. It died, and I couldn’t reach him for 7 hours. When he finally called at 4am, he was drunk and dismissive. He apologized the next day when he realized how he’d behaved.
I grew up with a mother who struggles with alcohol, and he knows how traumatic that’s been for me. He always says it’s not fair how she treats me when drunk, so it hurt even more that he ended up hurting me the same way.
I don’t drink, and I never had an issue with him drinking until he broke my trust earlier this year. He doesn’t drink excessively compared to others his age, maybe once a week on average. But he insists that 6–8 beers is “not a lot,” while to me it is. Recently he’s gotten drunk twice in three days, and it has left me feeling emotionally on edge.
His work (sales in London) has a heavy drinking culture, and he has previously experienced judgement and exclusion by saying he doesn’t want to drink.
I no longer feel emotionally safe or secure around him when he’s drunk because of what has happened. Would it be reasonable to ask him not to get drunk anymore? I’m not asking him to stop drinking completely, just to stop before he gets intoxicated. Maybe not forever, but I need to see that he can do that, and that our relationship matters more than getting very drunk.
My boundary has shifted because of the hurt, but I’ve been afraid to say so because I don’t want to be controlling or unfair. I know he has the right to drink how he chooses, and he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, but I’m allowed to set a boundary about what I can tolerate, right?
NOTE (as replying to everyone is tedious): I HAVE NEVER FELT PHYSICALLY UNSAFE OR THREATHNED. It’s just 2-3 times over the last 10 months or so that’s been an issue. He has asked me if he should stop drinking and I’ve said no. I’ve never set a boundary around drinking. Sometimes Ieven encouraged it because it seems to help him socially at work. And we usually go weeks without it being an issue, but now it is.
Yeah I am at fault for not maintaining the drug boundary. I never anticipated we would get so deep. We started as a fling, and live in separate countries.
And i apologise. English is not my first language, and i think when i say mean/hurtful, it’s because it hurts. But his words were dismissive and defensive «I’m too tired for this» or «my phone died, that’s it». He weren’t nasty. It’s only happened that once that he’s ever spoken to me in such a way.
Sorry, I fear my description of the situation has made it out to be a bit extreme. He works in sales, there’s events every week with free drinks and where he barely drinks. And he often goes weeks without touching alcohol. I am confident he has only done drugs that one time. I’ve asked friends, family and his friends, for his age and situation, compared to everyone in his work and friend environment, he does not drink loads. But it is too much for me, and I need to communicate that. That’s on me.
I need to be firmer, not an enabler, and stand up for myself. He is a great guy, but that doesn’t mean it haves to be like this. I’ll let him know my standing, and if I’m worth it to him, he will respect it. If not, we might not be compatible.
I would break it off.
You said hard no that You’de end the relationship. You said he hasn’t an issue with it. But what you’ve said it seems he does.
Sit him down. Tell him you’re done as he’s broken your trust to many times and you don’t date liars. You should never bend your boundaries to make others happy
I mean NTA but what’s the point? He’s always shown you he’s going to do it any way then treat you like crap. You say it’s a firm boundary but you also aren’t sticking to it, meaning all that’s happened is he knows he can act like this and you’ll put up with it.
He’s going to keep drinking and being mean, likely still doing drugs. You can’t change his behavior. The only thing you can do is accept living like that or leave
Ah, I think it went downhill the moment you forgave him the second time. Nta, however, the relationship is done, if you don’t have trust, everything will be hard and on the edge for you. It’s time to end it.
NTA, but your “boundaries” mean nothing when people trample all over them and you allow it.
Just break up. You had a rule, he’s repeatedly demonstrated that he doesn’t want to live with that rule, and you no longer trust or feel safe with him. You cannot have a healthy relationship when you are constantly monitoring and trying to control what the other person does. Ni matter how justified or valid your particular rule or fear might be, that is simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic for everyone involved. Rip off the bandaid and move on.
NTA. As a product of an alcoholic family, you owe it to yourself to walk away and not look back. Sometimes, the best choice is the one that only makes you better , and that’s OK.
NTA for asking, but you’re likely incompatible.
My first husband was an addict. He was sober when we met and for the first year or so of marriage, and then started drinking. He was a horrible drunk, always drank WAY more than he intended to, and was mean and nasty while drunk. When we had first met and he was sober and in recovery, I told him that if he relapsed, I would leave him. I gave him one chance after he relapsed, he didn’t improve, and I left him. That was 15 years ago.
About 10 years ago, I dated someone who could go without alcohol, but every time he drank, it was to excess and blackout. He was not a mean drunk, but as a barely-drinker, I had no desire to babysit him when he got sloppy and goofy. We broke up.
I remarried someone who has a few drinks now and then, occasionally gets drunk (when we are at home) and we are compatible. Alcohol doesn’t really play a role in our relationship, and it’s not something I’ve ever had to worry about.
If your mother struggled with alcohol, you probably don’t want to be with someone who is a heavy drinker, regardless of whether there is addiction involved. You can ask your bf not to get drunk, but if he says no or gets drunk after saying yes, you need to decide what you’re going to do.
Me? I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior and would leave. But I’ve been through this with two different people already, and refuse to put myself through it again.
ETA: He definitely had an alcohol problem. If he cannot drink without getting drunk and thinks 6-8 beers in an evening is “not a lot,” he has an alcohol problem. He may not be an alcoholic, but he’s on his was there.
NTA. As a psychotherapist, I want to share something important that may help you understand the situation more clearly. When we grow up around emotional unpredictability or addiction in a parent, our nervous system often becomes conditioned to associate love with anxiety, inconsistency, and instability. As adults, we can then unconsciously gravitate toward partners who recreate those early emotional environments, not because they are healthy for us, but because they feel familiar to our nervous system. It is your psyche’s way of trying to resolve old wounds with a new person. Unfortunately, the result is that we end up accepting treatment we should never have to tolerate. In your case, your partner’s drinking, the lies, the broken trust, the emotional unpredictability when intoxicated, and the dismissal of your emotional safety are all recreating patterns you knew as a child, and your body is responding in ways that you learned long ago.
Repairing trust requires consistency, accountability, and a demonstrated commitment to safety. It cannot be repaired with apologies, promises, or occasional kind gestures when the behavior itself continues to cause harm. You are not being controlling for wanting emotional safety, predictability, and respect. You are allowed to set boundaries around what you can tolerate, and you are allowed to walk away from a relationship that continues to hurt you, even if he insists everything is fine.
If you were my friend, I would suggest that you end the relationship and give yourself space to heal from the deeper wounds beneath this pattern, ideally in therapy. When those wounds are processed, your nervous system learns to seek out relationships rooted in safety instead of instability. You deserve a partner who protects your emotional wellbeing and treats your boundaries as real, important, and worth honoring. And your future, healthy deserves a healed partner.
You can *ask* him anything, but that’s not a boundary. Boundaries are what you *are or aren’t* willing to accept. A boundary is “if you drink I will leave” or “if you do drugs our relationship is over.”
The problem here is that he has repeatedly shown you who he is. He *is* going to drink and do drugs, regardless of your wishes. You *cannot* trust him. In fact, he probably has continued to use drugs and he also verbally abuses you while intoxicated. Is that .. acceptable to you?
YWBTA if you stay, to yourself.
Don’t make up firm boundaries and then completely disregard them when it happens. You didn’t end the relationship as you said you would. Now you want to move the goal lines and order him to stop the thing that you believe somehow made him do hard drugs. You’re being foolish.
I don’t know if you’d be the asshole, but you would be foolish.
You and he aren’t compatible.
He likes substances that you disapprove of.
You will spend the rest of this relationship distrusting and monitoring your boyfriend.
Do you want that?
NTA but.. “Lied about it for months” You comfortable dating someone whos willing to lie to you months on end? Personally I have a 0 tolerance policy for lies.
just dump him. don’t keep forgiving. don’t be the enabler.
NTA
But, what boundary? Boundaries only exist if you establish and maintain them. You have failed to enforce YOUR boundary- that you won’t be in a relationship with someone who uses recreational drugs or drinks to excess. What you have instead of a boundary, which limits your behavior, what you will tolerate, is a rule for your bf to obey. When he doesn’t, you are hurt and sad, yet continue to permit him intimate access to you, your life and your resources. You confuse your “rule” for bf’s behavior which carries no consequence with a boundary, which would tell you when to withdraw and restrict access.
Your bf deals with your feelings and fears around substance abuse by being deceptive. He tries to hide that part of his behavior from you. Sometimes he’s successful. Sometimes not.
You can’t control another person’s behavior. You can only control your own. Rather than protecting YOUR safety, privacy, autonomy, comfort and resources by consistently limiting what you will tolerate and withdrawing access to you when another behaves intolerably, you prioritize the imaginary relationship you wish you had if only he were different than he is.