I’m not a frequent user of reddit, so I’m sorry if my etiquette isn’t correct. I guess I should start with some background, I’m a junior in highschool and have an older sister who is a junior in college. This means that I will be graduating high school the same time as she will be graduating college. I’ve had this conversation with my parents about what I want to do for my high school grad party and I thought that we agreed that I would have my own because my sister did, but I guess my dad’s opinions changed lately. We were at dinner tonight and he said that he wants to have a joint party to celebrate me and my sister, instead.
Even though I love my sister, I cant help but be a little upset. My parents are already missing a lot of my school’s graduation traditons, like Baccalaureate and Senior Walk. My family is missing all of that to go to my sister’s graduation, which is totally understandable and I honestly wish I could go too, but I can’t. It just bothers me that my parents don’t really share the sentimental value of those moments with me and that I’m going to experience all of it alone.
They still will be there for my actual graduation, but there missing all the other traditions. When my sister was going through her graduation process, both of our parents were able to go. When I saw her going through that and now that I’m older, I’ve been getting more excited about these traditions, having a grad party and being able to be with everyone I love. But, not really getting any of that makes me upset. Maybe I’m being spoiled, but idk.
And throughout my life, I’ve always felt that my parents were always hyper focused on my sister because she was the first in our family to go to an Ivy school. Its been such a stressed expectation of me to live up to her that all of my accomplishments, I feel as though, weren’t as celebrated because she has already done it. I guess thats just what happens when you have a really smart sister, lol. So I always thought I was measured up to her and in her shadow. I just thought that this grad party could be a semblance of celebrating something that I accomplished on my own because my sister was abroad while I was in high school (she was slaying in college, lol).
I expressed this to my father in much fewer words and he responded by telling me that I’m a spoiled brat and a bitch and went on a rant of how it would be rediculous of me to want that. I asked my mom her opinion on the matter and she said that she would feel weird celebrating one kid’s graduation and not the other, which makes a lot of sense. I asked my friends about this (without the harsh details) and then an their parents said that they thought high school graduation was a bigger deal than university graduation because they are "leaving the nest" and that it was sad that I will be going through it all alone.
So I just want to know if Im the asshole for wanting such a thing and if I should just suck it up. Thank you!
I don’t think your in the wrong. I understand where you are coming from totally and have been in a similar situation.
clearly your father isn’t thinking about it from your side and not understanding. Your mother seems to feel a pity for your sister as she did complete 4 gruelling years for a degree. Since your sister had a graduation party it’s only fair you do too besides it’s the least they can do since they are missing out on important events for your graduation.
I would go about this by talking to the more lenient parent and just ask if you could say your opinion about the matter. if that doesn’t work talk to your sister, especially if you’re close with each other, if she would talk to your parents about maybe not having a party for her or she would like something smaller. it may force your parents to do a celebration just for you, but it could also risk you having a celebration of your own at all and just end up doing something small with your sister.
Besides both parents missing your events is difficult. You look forward to seeing the people who raised you in the crowd and not seeing them is hard for anyone. I don’t know your full situation but I hope you take some answers and direction from this message (sorry it’s long idk how to get my point across quickly!!!)
Yes and no.
Without knowing the financial realities your parents are facing, it is hard to say if your parents are the assholes.
Ok, so wanting something does not make you an asshole in and of itself. How you express your want and with what level of understanding other circumstances around it can. As a person who grew up with limited means, I never wanted my parents to spend money on me that could be better used for the whole family, that was just me.
As for HS graduation, what are you expecting? My experience with graduation parties is that it is mostly family who attend. All your class mates will have their own parties to attend, so it’s not like you will all be together and spend that much time together even if you go to each other’s parties. You could consider having a co-party with a fried or a few friends. You will have the party and be with friends. Your parents can come to it for a while and still go to a party for your sister.
Really ask yourself what you are expecting and or want. It sounds to me you want praise and attention from your parents without comparison to your sister. That may be impossible. And you are also likely fantasizing your sisters reality. All of these are just guesses, not accusations. I say all this to encourage you to reflect on what you really want/need and communicate that clearly to your parents. But also be willing to hear what they have to say. They really may not be able to afford both parties, then what?
Either way OP, good luck and I hope you get what you want/need.
I really appreciate this post. I definitely think that I want this party for recognition from not only my parents but other extended family. My parents pretty well off. I would say that they are financially capable of throwing a party. Im not necessarily asking for two separate parties, but my family was planning on going to Europe after graduation. I was thinking that could be the way we celebrate my sister. And my sister is an extreme introvert, so she hates parties, so she might not even want one. When she had her high school grad party, she had me be the spokes person, while she just hanged out with her friends in the back, lol.
Why does the recognition matter?
I ask this not to be cold or challenging, but rather for your introspection. I think once you know why, you can communicate more effectively with your parents. With the limited details that can be gleaned from the post, it seems like communication broke down or was ineffective.
I’m probably more like your sister in that I dont want/like the recognition, so I struggle with the why you want it and why it matters. So take my advice or questions with a grain of salt.
Two more points to consider.
Your sister may not want a party and you could encourage her to push your parents to throw a party for you and give you the attention. Your sister may be pressured by your parents to succeed and do all these great things. She could be feeling real stress caused by this but unlikely to communicate that to your parents. Maybe let her use you as a scapegoat will solve both problems.
It is also possible your parents see a need they are trying to fill for your sister. Maybe they fear she is alone or hyper antisocial and they are trying to ensure she can function in the world we are in today. Just trying to guess why your parents focus on her more than you as relayed by your post. Sometimes we dont know everything that is happening. Not making excuses, just suggest you consider that there may be reasons that seem unkind or unfair.
Good luck. I do hope you have a wonderful graduation and find all the joy in your life.
NTA your parents are huge assholes. One of them needs to go to your sister’s graduation and one needs to go to yours. They should not be missing all of yours and you should get your own party.
INFO: How do you know what they will be missing over a year away? Both schools have released their schedules? Or are you just guessing?
It could be that after sending your sister through an Ivy college (which are very expensive), they might not have enough money to have two parties.
NTA and you should absolutely be celebrated for your accomplishments. Congratulations 🎉 and I wish you the best. Your father’s reaction was way over the top and abusive. I’d pick a college as far away from him as I could.
NTA. I’m sorry your dad is such an AH. I’m sorry your parents have made you feel less important or like you are in your sister’s shadow. That was their doing, their mistake, their choice. Their AHs showing.
You deserve to be celebrated just as much as your sister did/does. You deserve parents who consistently do that. You are not an AH for understanding that. As I’m sure you will see in the answers to your post, pretty much everyone but your parents does, too.
Surround yourself with people who appreciate and celebrate you. And congratulations on the hard work you are doing and your achievements past and future.
NTA. Do you have local grandparents or other relatives that would be open to host your party? It is very common where I live for friends to hold a joint party to save money & split costs. Maybe you & a friend could have one at their house.
If that isn’t possible, can’t she have her party a week later? I am assuming that your sister does not attend college in your hometown, & this would give her time to pack up & move.
I am also guessing that her party would be mostly a family one? I mean, 4 years after high school; it’s unlikely she still has close friends that still live there. Her college friends will be busy moving, starting new jobs, & celebrating with their own families.
Parents hosting a college grad party isn’t all that common. Usually it’s a family dinner at a nice restaurant. The real party for them is going out drinking with their friends. Try talking to your sister to see what her expectations are for her party. If it’s just a family dinner, then it can be held at any time. This party thing may be news to her.
I’m sorry your parents suck. Showing blatant favoritism & calling you names are not great parenting skills. These type of people end up wondering why their kids don’t want anything to do with them as adults.
I was struck by your mom saying that she would feel weird about celebrating one child & not the other: isn’t that exactly what they are doing? They went all out for your sister, but they only plan to show up for your actual ceremony (likely to keep people from gossiping about how sh*tty they are, o/w they wouldn’t even do that).
My advice would be to work hard & try to become independent from them asap. Then go very LC or NC. It will be so much better for your mental health to let go of people who bring you down.
Hold your head high & be proud of yourself! This mama is very proud of you!
You’ve mentioned below that your sister is an introvert and may not even want a party . Maybe talk to her and see if she can back you up on you having the party rather than her?
But even if that doesn’t work out, I hope you don’t take it too hard. Think about the fact that you will soon be living on your own and then you can party however you wish when you feel like it. There will be many more milestones to celebrate.