For context, myself and my DH have been together for 14 years. In that time we have both worked though my career has taken off and he "lacks ambition" to work beyond seasonal retail work.
8 years ago when we had our eldest of two children, he decided it makes more sense for me to be the breadwinner and he the SAHD due to earning potential. I had no objections provided I was not coming home after 10-16hrs work to all the housework waiting. 8 years later, that is still what happens.
For context he is a fantastic dad absolutely! (At least from an emotional and educational standpoint). Not so much a partner since apparently girls online turn his attention but that’s less relevent.. my issue is I send him 1500 a month for nothing more than cleaning and laundry each month in OUR family home (the rest of the bills and expenses I cover solo) and yet no housework (even just tidying ignoring cleaning) is ever done without my intervention and it takes 1.5 weeks for a single load of laundry (IE school uniform and my work wear) to be cleaned, and I still need to chase everything through, sort bin days and routine chores, track school event’s and sort grocery lists around work and just wanting to spend time with him and my children.
Even his parents (and mine) say he is taking the mick and when confronted he tries for about 3 days then goes back to little-no effort, but now tells me it’s my fault for expecting too much.
We have separated (partly because of the other woman and mostly because of this) but then he makes effort for a short while and we reconcile, only for the same patterns to appear.
I think I am being petty.. but I travel 300+ miles for work so to find it’s taking him a week for a single load of washing, the cupboards etc are empty and I need to clean when I get home or not have any usable surface is really impacting my mental health.
After finding out once again all my workwear is soaking wet before I go to work after being put in the wash a week ago, I snapped and said I would cut down the money I send, in order to cover a cleaning and laundry service to keep the household running smoothly when I am not here. Instead I got an excuse about how for whatever reason the clothes got missed in laundry and he catches up eventually on laundry and housework. AITA??
ETA: following the comments, yes I have spoken with a lawyer (had to when his ex online side-crush had her friends dox me after he spread malicious false rumours about me to try and earn her favour and I ensured the safety and residency of my kids), so no matter what my children will be financially secure (I have already cleared all debts from him bankrupting us and separated all accounts as well as diverting my spare income into protected accounts for the children) and safe. He wont do counselling (didn’t even much like it when I was seeing one myself) and hates speaking to anyone, including me. Even now his approach is to make distance and keep his head down and ignore anything.
I know I was a fool for taking him back but he’s the only person I’ve been with so I was naive as heck and thought this sort of argument was normal, and fell for the love bombing approach after a bad situation.
I have painfully learned my lesson, and whilst he will continue to threaten to take my children away if I kick him out (yes even the property and all items and bills are singularily taken care of by me), I know to stick to my guns now.
It sucks for our children who are used to us being the family unit but I don’t want them to think treating their mum or their house with disrespect is normal (I’ve worked hard to teach them to be fortunate for what they have and appreciate everything).
Thank you Reddit for reminding me I’m a person, not just a walking cash machine and telling me this actually isn’t normal. Hope to have a happier update soon!
NTA
Bro is about to be fired from a stay at home parent job. Cut his allowance and give it to a cleaner for sure. He’s only doing half the responsibilities of the role.
You have such bigger problems than hiring a maid. You’re both approaching this completely disfunctionally.
Y’all need therapy. Yesterday.
NTA
Here’s some resources
Is your relationship healthy?
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
He doesn’t care AKA weaponized incompetence
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn’t help around the house
https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
Buried in all this is the other woman. Respect yourself and get out of this relationship. NTA
Omg yikes. Deep breath.
First: NTA. whatever you gotta do, do it. Absolutely, shift the money you currently spend on cleaning to make sure cleaning actually happens. Then take whatever energy you save there and spend it on your divorce.
NTA Follow through on that and cut his “allowance” significantly. If he’s going to do nothing he gets paid for nothing. Let his side piece cover their expenses.
This man is absolutely horrible to you (from what I’ve read) but i want you to know that he will keep doing this coz you keep going back. There will be a cycle of him treating badly, you leaving, him changing for long enough to get you back and rinse and repeat. You need to protect your mental health above anything else.
He’s useless, taking advantage of you, AND cheating. Girl.
YTA to yourself and your kids for allowing this to go on so long and perpetuating an unfair dynamic for your children to witness. If your daughter (or son) married someone that did this to them would you tell them to stay? You’re the breadwinner, get your kids who are probly old enough to go to school by now, and leave this guy. He’s not a great dad if he’s stressing out mom by not doing his fair share.
Let him see the kids if you want but Jesus, this is how women get trapped in abusive households, they are shown from a young age that men are allowed to walk all over them. And if you have sons, you’re teaching them to expect women to be subservient and manage all the 3rd shift work without helping. Useless men, who in this case, don’t even have a father figure to show them to work hard. So they’ll be lazy AND useless.
NTA
Contract the cleaning, stop paying him and tell him to get a job. Your kids are in school now, correct? Either that or he can hit the road. You doing all of the work while he flirts (& we can only hope that’s all!) on the internet. That’s nuts.
NTA being a stay at home parent doesn’t mean you’re one of those mall security guards that sits on a seat and makes sure nobody causes trouble. It’s a full time job that includes task management at the top of the list. I’ll be honest, if I were in his shoes I’d jump at the chance
You really don’t have any respect for yourself. He’s using you. You clearly have the financial means to live without him, why are you putting up with this humiliation? It’s great that he’s a good father (although you coming home to empty cupboards and molding wet laundry doesn’t bolster your claim of this), he can still be a good father without the two of you being married.
YTA for tolerating this nonsense for so long. YTA for reconciling without getting marriage counseling first. What a terrible example for your children.
No, you aren’t wrong to pay a cleaning service from your husband’s allowance, but that won’t solve the underlying problems and you know it. Get individual counseling to understand why you tolerate this nonsense, figure out your options and move past this. Joint counseling too, but only stick with it if he follows through consistently on changing his conduct.
NTA. But cleaning seems to be the least of your problems. You seem to recognize all the patterns and express a dislike for them, yet it keeps on. What is the reason you took him back after separating? What does he say when family comments on his behaviour? And you mention other girls, so he’s a cheater?
Don’t you and your kids deserve more in life than this?