Hello everyone!
I’d like your opinion on a matter. As you can see from the title, I want to get off some things of my chest about my father’s side of the family.
Here’s the background:
– On my paternal grandparents’ side: there has always been a very clear preference for my older brother (36) over my sister (19) and me (32F). Generally, if my brother asked for something, he almost always got it. And so on. For me and my sister, this was obviously much less the case. Because, in my grandparents’ opinion, I’m too much like my mother (who is their former daughter-in-law) in terms of personality. This antipathy towards her has always existed, even before my parents’ divorce. I had an pretty bad accident at work a year ago ( double fracture of the right leg) and they hardly have contact. It was always like that… Regarding my little sister, she’s always had a very tomboyish style/attitude which they dislike immensely…
As for my father: I cut ties with him several years ago because of a legal matter in which he sided with my stepmother’s family rather than me. Before I even filed a complaint about this case, my father’s first questions were about how the case would affect his lovelife rather than asking me how I felt about it. He clearly implied that I was lying about the case and was already starting to defend my stepmother’s family. Etc…
At the end of this year, I’m going back to my hometown for about two weeks. The idea of taking some of the weight off my shoulders, and perhaps spark some self-reflection in them, has been on my mind for several days now.
So, Would I be the A to tell them what I really think to get better mentally ?
PS: sorry. English isn’t my mother language. So, please, be understanding.
I mean you could but let’s be honest by the sounds of things they don’t care so would telling them make you feel better personally even if they don’t acknowledge or respond how you want?. Or are you hoping they’ll magically have a wake up call?. Personally I’d just cut off contact with them don’t give them any energy they obviously don’t care about you so don’t give them your time.
Not telling them what i think already took off a lot of my energy. At least, even if there is no reaction, i can cut them off for good without guilt on my part.
And, maybe the littlest part of me hope for a magically wake-up, but i know this will not happen…
Then do it if you feel it will help you. But I’ll be honest I feel like you may just hurt yourself because like you said there’s a sliver of hope they’d maybe apologize or acknowledge what they did and if they don’t may affect you more than you realise…. but if you do decide to do it say go big or go home. explode it all in one big hurrah, then walk out like a boss and go drink some wine at home.
NTA for wanting the closure, but it’s not realistic, either.
The Hallmark movie, magical moment where the historically emotionally unavailable person sees the error of their ways is fiction for a reason. I don’t blame you for wanting to speak up, but people who treat you this way for decades have shown you who they are.
Like you said, i just want to have a closure, without guilt on my part. Because, at least, i would have done everything in my power…
NTA. Wanting to express how years of favoritism and emotional neglect affected you doesn’t make you an asshole. That said, be honest with yourself about your goal – if it’s for your own closure, that’s valid, but don’t expect them to suddenly change or take responsibility. Protecting your mental health comes first.
Like you said, i need this closure to heal and go to the next chapter, without guilt.
Closure is not about hurting them. It’s about finally choosing yourself.
NTA
Before you go to your family and unloading, think it through.
What outcomes do you expect?
Do you think they’re going to say “Oh my goodness! You’re so right! We were wrong to treat you so poorly.” I can assure you they will NOT. How they react will only hurt you more.
I would suggest you find a therapist or good friend that you can talk to. Or write it all out in a letter, then burn it and release your pain.
You deserve peace, but confronting them will not bring it to you.
I think i need to confront them even if i already know their reaction (= complet void). But, I need some closure with them, without guilt on my part.
I already have a therapist but we only talk about the after-effects of my accident.
Well, then steer the session towards your family. I would reconsider talking to your family. I would go no contact. Cut them off. It sounds as if they would not care if you stopped contact.
I would write a letter and save the effort. Then, you won’t have wasted as much time if/when no “self-reflection” occurs.
I have thought about it. But, i don’t trust them with letters.
My grand-parents could show it to my brother, and my father to his second wife to use it against me or to hurt me again…