I’m 23 and every year my family goes over to my great aunts house to make cookies for Christmas.
I never liked this tradition. We’re not that close with them and the day is always so awkward. My mom likes going so we can get a family photo together. I work full time and I don’t want to spend my only two days off doing something I don’t want to do.
I feel like I’m too old to not have a say in where I don’t want to go. My mom will always tell me last minute we’re doing something and I just have to go regardless if I want to. She never asks, I just have to be with everyone.
We already went somewhere last weekend. She bought tickets to go on this steam train for a kids Christmas event. Am I a kid? Why did I have to go? I hated it and it was clear it was for kids under 12.
I also feel like I’m not treated as an adult/my own person.
I ended up not going to my aunts to make cookies. My mom tried getting me to go and didn’t stop, until I yelled at her that I’m not going.
AITA?
NTA. 23 years old is way too old to be going where you don’t want to go. Some moms have difficulty accepting that their children don’t need them like they once did. Your mom is trying to hold onto her role as long as possible. I would start standing your ground more and more and more. Good for you.
NTA – Invites are invites not summons. You don’t have to go. You are an adult. Sounds like your mom is having a hard time letting go of control. The good news is, she isn’t in control of your life and how you spend your days.
NTA. It’s your life to lead and it’s time to take the reins, just as you are starting to do. Do not waste time explaining yourself, or getting upset with her, trying to get your mother’s buy in or permission. It may never come and that is ok. Time is something you can never get back. She has her reasons for wanting you to do certain activities but they are not your reasons and you don’t need to own them. Live. Don’t fritter away your life as a people pleaser.
NTA, from what you describe I agree that your mom is not treating you like an adult. I have to say I get the sense that you aren’t really fully adulting either. In this case, you should either move out of your parents’ house, or if you can’t, you should be actively making plans to do so ASAP.
Traditions especially around Christmas are hard to break but your mom needs to get used to the fact that you have a life of your own. In the future you may have a family and want to start your own traditions, best for her to get used to change now.
This is the time to refuse to do the things you don’t want to do. You’ll have a lifetime of doing stuff you don’t wanna do when you marry and have kids
You’re NTA. Take care of yourself 🤍
You aren’t wrong, but yelling at her does make you a bit of an AH. A lot of parents really cherish these moments and it sounds like spending time with you around the holidays is important to her. Do you live at home? Do you contribute as an equal adult (financially & household upkeep wise?). If your mom is supporting you, it might be worth keeping her feelings about this a little more to the forefront. That being said, She may be “a lot” and may be overly controlling, but I still think trying to ease yourself out of these events might be a better strategy than having a big blow out.
I think some conversations about how you feel about being infantalized are 100% needed, but a mature, emotionally regulated approach may get you where you want to be with less animosity all around and in the end allow you to set reasonable boundaries without making her feel like you don’t appreciate what she does for you.
NTA. You grown.
Do you live in your own place? Problem solved. Just tell your mom I love you but I can’t. If you do live with your mom or parents, move. You’re an adult. Go be independent.
Gen z “there’s a loneliness epidemic”
Also gen z “I don’t want to go spend time with family, that shit is awkward!”
NTA. you are old enough to decide how to use your free time!
NTA
Your mom is accustomed to just assuming her daughter is going to do things with the family. It sounds like she loves it and it’s meaningful to her. You’ve always gone along with it so you must enjoy it too. You’ll need to have a difficult conversation with your mom. Tell her you’d like to be asked rather than told. Tell her while you enjoy being with the family you don’t always enjoy the activities. Going forward you’ll be making the decision about which ones you attend and which ones you don’t.
Keep firmly in your mind that you are not responsible for managing her reaction or her emotions. If she’s upset, let her be upset. Just let her. She is responsible for managing her own reactions and emotions. At the very least she’ll be disappointed. That’s perfectly natural. Parents experience growing pains too. At some point she needs to accept and respect your autonomy.
You’re an adult. Set your own boundaries and stick to them.
But also, as an adult, it may be time to have an adult conversation with mom. Tell her that you’re going to be planning your time yourself on your terms. If you value your relationship with your mom I would recommend being mindful of her feelings. It *is* hard for parents when kids turn into adults, and you can acknowledge that without continuing to let mom have the control. Let her know you do want to spend some family time together (assuming you do) but the cookie tradition isn’t your favorite. Maybe tell her you prefer a specific alternate with just your immediate family and want to prioritize that going forward, if there’s another tradition you truly do enjoy.
You can also set and hold firm boundaries while allowing for some compromise. If you talk with your mom and find out that this cookie day you don’t enjoy is your mom’s #1 most cherished tradition and her heart is completely shattered or something then you can always choose differently next year without that meaning that you “gave in”. If mom adores the group picture taken and looks at it every day and your face missing from it hurts her terribly then it’s okay, next year, to compromise by attending for a very short time frame to “make an appearance” and get in mom’s picture. And it’s okay to have that information and still say no. But talking to your mom as an adult is the key.