Throwaway acct in case my roommate discovers I’ve complained about her on Reddit.
20F, roommate is 23F. No other roommates.
TLDR: Aside cooking I do all of the chores. We don’t have a system for who does what on which week or day. So I take out garbage, sweep up/clean the restroom every now and then, but more importantly I do all of the dishes because she won’t.
I get a lot of takeout, so I rarely need to wash dishes, if even use them (+ I am predisposed to washing them after I eat). But my roommate cooks for herself, which means there’s a lot of dishes to be done, and she doesn’t do any of them, she just leaves them in the sink. You’d think that she’d maybe do them the next day, but they’re kinda just left there unattended. One time I decided to see how many days would go by until she’d wash them, and about 4 days had passed before I decided I would just do them myself.
Our apt. doesn’t have a dishwasher, so I’ve been handwashing her dishes, plus mine, for most of my time here, about 6-7 months. Honestly, it’s fine, because I’m used to handwashing dishes anyway. I hadn’t told her to do her own dishes bc I didn’t want to bother her. She’s a student, as am I, so I’m sure she’s busy.
Also, this might be a me thing, but I also don’t really trust her to do dishes–any time she did them there would still be food and/or oil stuck to the plate or bowl and I’d have to rewash before using them. Which is a problem, because she also uses *my* dishes and appliances.
(Slightly related, but she also broke my kettle while using it without permission, and I didn’t tell her to pay me back, so she didn’t…)
The problem is she’s a morning person, I’m a night owl usually up at 5AM working on something, so I do things at times most people would be asleep. I try to respect her privacy and not make any noise or trouble when she’s asleep. But one day, I decided to eat something at 3AM, and her dishes are still in the sink, so naturally before doing anything I decided to wash them.
I knocked something over on accident, which made a reasonably loud sound and woke my roommate up. She got out of bed to ask me why I’m doing dishes at 3AM, and to stop because it woke her up and she has classes at 8AM. I lashed out at her and said "well, you don’t wash you own dishes, so somebody has to do them around here". She was like, whatever, and went back to bed. I apologized to her the next day, and stopped washing them at 3AM but nothing changed after that. Life went on the exact same and I still continued doing her dishes (at more reasonable times).
I’m being told I shouldn’t even be washing her dishes in the first place, and that I should pester her to stop using mine or pay me back for my kettle. But I don’t know, I feel really guilty about waking her up, and I get needing sleep before early classes. I’m being told I need to stop catering to her and hold my ground, but I did once and nothing changed, and I can’t really bring myself to do it again.
AITA?
Info: Is the only time you’ve brought it up that one time you snapped at her? If so she probably didn’t consider any of that since you also apologised after and then proceeded to continue to do her dishes.
Stop doing the dishes. If you don’t stop, don’t talk to her about it (which will yield nothing cause you’ve shown you’ll do it for her) nothing will change. I literally put all my dishes away and let her mess pile up until she finally had to clean up after herself when this happened to me and planned my exit. I would only get take out and refused to clean up after her except for our inspection right before I moved out.
You’re being an asshole to yourself by being a pushover.
So, you would be an asshole, except for the fact that you were not left with an alternative option.
I’m don’t want to be mean but you’re acting like a doormat. She absolutely needs to pay you for your kettle and she absolutely needs to do her own dishes and help with the other chores. Tough luck if she’s a busy student that’s life.
NTA but stop doing stuff for her.
Your dishes, kettle etc – put in your room.
Buy insect spray and if she leaves her dishes to sit and be dirty just spray them daily to kill any bugs. She asks about it just say – at your request I’m not washing your dishes anymore but I won’t live with bugs so this is solution I’ve come up with. If they’re in the way, move them to the side.
If she questions you removing your things – I’ve moved them out of the way so you can use your things freely and I don’t have to worry about having to clean up after you.
Just make sure to keep cleaning up after yourself and look for new housing/roommate as soon as you can.
Idea: Why don’t you keep your dishes and your food in your room? Because it’s not working this way. You are not helping her by letting her be irresponsible; she’s being a horrid roommate and pretty much deserves to be awakened at 3am if she’s leaving all her dishes for YOU to do.
NTA.
NTA, but “holding your ground” once, and then never again makes it sound like you’ve been conditioned to be a door mat – specifically, her door mat, because she knows she can get away with not cleaning up after herself or pay for things she’s broken.
To be frank, it sounds like she’s the asshole and she knows it, and this isn’t an equal exchange of responsibilities between roommates, and is using you to be her maid.
YTA for washing her dishes.
Buy paper plates & plastic utensils. Ask her to use them when she doesn’t have time to wash her dishes because you keep seeing cockroaches and mice in the kitchen.
NTA, but you are awfully complacent. You have GOT to stop being her doormat! Take your dishes, pots and pans out of the kitchen. Lock them up. Let her mess build up and don’t clean it for her. Also, if she used something of yours without permission, and *broke* it…you shouldn’t even have HAD to ask her for reimbursement! She sounds like a very shitty roommate; you should start looking around for either another place to live, or if you can kick her out and stay where you are, looking around for a new roommate.
As someone who lived with a person like this… they won’t change. Id do the dishes every time and think it might be repayed in some basic way, but no. Different standards. They won’t ever change, and if you make a huge stand they’ll resent you. Find another roommate. Doesn’t need to end badly, but dont put yourself through this more than the lease.
You sound like you need theraphy for being doormat for someone else. I am not sure why people thinks it is normal to wash someone elses dishes to eat yourself, although they needed to in the first place and still feel guilty about it.
Those dishes would rot in the sink long before I would ever wash them. If for any reason I needed dishes or cooking utensils i would buy my own and move hers out of the way to wash mine, then I would keep mine in my own room stored in a way she would never be able to even touch them 🤣🤣 I would also have a private kettle that I only used in my room, like they do in hotels 🤣🤣
Im too petty for roommates 🤦♀️