i never thought i would end up writing one of these, but i’m genuinely grasping at strings here because i do not know what to do. since i was in middle school, my parents have been at each other’s throats whether it’s because of finances, loyalty issues, or general dislike for how the other behaves. i won’t get into specifics of the most recent argument because i feel like that could get me in trouble if they somehow discover that it’s me on here. just know that it’s a combination of the three things i listed above.
i just got off of a call with my mom. through out the week, my mom has been urging me to call my dad about him helping pay my tuition since she feels like he would rather spend his money on his friends than me. she isn’t crazy for thinking that, my dad does have a history of wanting to impress his friends and his colleagues by taking them out to dinners and buying them expensive gifts. whenever she told me to talk to him about my tuition, i’d bring up how uncomfortable i am to do that since my dad can be pretty short tempered and whenever i try to show my mother’s perspective on disagreements, he gets defensive and raises his voice at me, it certainly doesn’t help either that my mom wanted me to say, “this is his fault that our family is like this,” to him. ofc i’d be uneasy.
either way, i ended up calling him, and the call went fairly well and uneventful. i was very careful with how i spoke to him and ended up getting the information that i needed without it turning ugly, hooray! i told my mom this and she would not stop hounding me for details. i told her there wasn’t much to say and that he will be able to transfer the money for next semester and that even though they haven’t spoken to each other for weeks, that he will reach out to her about what to do during winter break.
she told me to tell her more and i told her there was nothing left to talk about bc there genuinely was none. it was really awkward bc i was weirded out with how much she was trying to get out of me. i think my tone revealed that too much and she ended up yelling at me saying that i am just like my dad and that i am ungrateful and rude. i tried to explain my viewpoint before she shouted “fuck you” and hung up.
i then messaged her saying i don’t think it’s fair that she said that to me because throughout this entire ordeal, i have been by her side, comforting her. whenever she’d vent about my dad, i would always be there to listen and talk, even opening her eyes to therapy. however, she always brings the same talking points of how my dad treats his friends nicer than he does us, how he ruined our family, and how he destroyed her self esteem. if i recorded my conversations with her and overlapped them, i swear, you could hear the same words, so much so that it feels scripted. there’s only so much that i can do comforting her and i’m getting mentally exhausted. she ended up blocking me, please help i don’t know what to do.
NTA, but you need to start working on independence from your parents.
i really want to be more independent, i do. it’s been something that i’ve been working on with looking for on and off campus jobs, club leadership responsibilities, school, anything to keep me busy from what’s going on at home. it’s a little difficult to do that since in my culture, family members tend to stay close and be involved with everything. my parents get upset when i don’t respond to a call or text right away.
This is all on your mom, not you. She pushed you to call your dad, you did it, it went fine, and then she flipped because you didn’t give her the drama she wanted. That’s not fair. Take some space and stop playing messenger for them.
Exactly, the mum (IMO) is using her daughter. She wanted her daughter to have this conversation and was specifc with the wording “this is his fault that our family is like this” to turn the dad against the OP. She probably thought the conversation would have caused the Dad and OP to have a heated argument, and then the mum could turn around and say “see, this is how your dad is. I told you he isn’t a good man”.
It sounds like manipulation to me.
The mum is probably hurt and using her daughter to try and get at the dad. When this didn’t work, she flipped out at OP.
There is nothing for you to do. But take some long, slow deep breaths. Calm yourself down…. You are not responsible for anyone else‘s mental health, only your own. It’s nice you want to be supportive of your mother…. but you can only do that if/when your own mental health isn’t damaged in the process. Good luck to all of you….
Your mom is too immature to be a parent. How dare she involve you in her gross dysfunction.
NTA
She very obviously wanted you to talk crap about your dad and give her some detail she could complain about.
Your mother is mentally unstable, and you are **not** her therapist or caregiver. Her treating you like that undeniably makes her an AH, and you need to set boundaries or she’ll never stop.
Tuition is obviously an issue, but unless she can start behaving rationally, cutting the cord might be the best thing for you.
It’s entirely unfair for battling parents to put their children in the middle of their hot mess. ‘Go tell your dad this!’ or ‘tell your mom that!’
They are grown and can speak for themselves! They are traumatizing you and you need to no longer mediate from the middle.
Next time, tell them ‘Tell him/her that yourself, I’m not a professional mediator and you’re stressing me out.’
NTA
NTAH Your mom is in the wrong and I hope when she calms down she realizes it and apologizes to you.
You more than deserve this.
She doesn’t seem to have come to terms with her relationship with your father yet. When she talks about it over and over again and complains about the same things. It’s not fair for her to take her frustrations out on you. Maybe she needs to get help to process it.
You are and remain the child in this constellation of your parents, no matter how old you are. She should be happy if you had a good conversation with your father.
You are neither exactly like your father nor exactly like your mother. You have the choice of what and how you want to be.
Hey op,
I’m sorry. On your behalf. All I can see while reading your post is that your father is a neglecting AH that has benefitted way too long from being the one with financial power in your nuclear familx and your mother, who has turned you into her emotional supportdoll who has to help her cope, on the expense of your own emotional wellbeing and also your choice to not get sucked down into the even more toxic swirl of emotions, your mom clearly wants to reach.
She is so certain that she got robbed of what she calls ‘a not ruined family’ that she has long since given up to not ruin whats left of the family herself.
You are only 20 – So, I can only imagine how long this is already going on, but I am pretty convinced that started long ago, when you were a minor, probably even a child. She is exploiting your daughterly love for your mother to use you as bait. This is so wrong. Of course you are conflicted now, she has trained (brainwashed,really) you to feel responsible for her feelings.
This needs to stop, unfortunately it will cost you a lot of work (and emotional exhaustion) to set boundaries and stick to them, but I would state firmly, those are needed.
Absolutely NTA
I know what I’m about to say is hard because I’m 37 and still trying to learn this:
Negotiating your parents’ relationship is not your job and has nothing to do with you
You needed information for tuition stuff? Great. You take of what affects *you* and let them handle their own business. Stop playing carrier pigeon. They want to stay married, separate, whatever, that is up to them. It feels like your life will be massively affected if you don’t act as therapist, confidant, and emotional co-regulator, but trust me– they’re grown ups. They don’t need you. You will do so much better if you just drop this burden.
NTAH. I’m not saying your dad is awesome, but it sounds like she’s been practicing parental alienation without being divorced whether she knows it or not and is pissed it didn’t stick.
You’re not a minor any more, but sounds like you have been while being used for comfort and support. You were a minor. That is emotional incest at its finest. Making/allowing a minor do what is only appropriate for close adult.
NTA. I’m sure you have heard what I am about to say before but I hope you’ll repeat it to yourself several times a day until it really sinks in: you are not responsible for the tension in your family. You cannot fix it.
It is because you feel there is some magic thing you could be doing that would fix everything that you are so stressed about this. I repeat; there is nothing you can do. You have no power over your parents’ behavior and dynamic.
You need to disengage. I am not saying you should cut your parents off but that you need to accept that their dynamic is who they are and what they do. You have zero control over it. If you can do that, you will feel much happier.
I know this because I grew up in an unhappy, stressful household. When I left home and no longer had to deal with the problems my parents had, I was immediately calmer, happier, and much less stressed. You clearly need your parents to be in your life because they’re paying your tuition but you can let your mother’s unpleasant comments wash over you without worrying about them. You can tell her that your father is your parent too so you will need to put the phone down rather than hear any more nastiness.
At all times when you’re talking to her, try to stay calm and keep things brief and clear. “I’m sorry you’re struggling, but I am not responsible for your relationship with Dad. I can’t deal with this anymore. Please get a therapist.” Be a brick wall. Do not engage unless she is having a normal conversation about the weather or a hobby and she will gradually learn that it doesn’t work to put her stress on you. Good luck.
Oh man, your parents have the maturity of a toddler. Your Mom needs to apologize to you not the other way around. I hope things get better for you. The comments are full of the best advice.