AITA
I recently ended a relationship (M30s/F30s, a few months long) and am struggling with immense guilt and doubt. I need objective input on whether my decision was justified or if I gave up too quickly.
Relationship Context:
• Pace & Stability: The relationship was high-intensity and moved quickly toward commitment. There was an existing gap in financial stability and current career ambition; my partner struggled with consistency and relied on escapism (e.g., mobile gaming).
•Conflict: My partner disclosed a history of severe clinical depression and trauma. They were not currently in therapy (last professional contact was 8 years ago) and relied heavily on me for emotional support during periods of extreme psychological distress.
• My history: I have my own history of severe depression, which required three years of intensive recovery and medication to overcome.
The Decision:
I became immediately and intensely fearful that absorbing the emotional burden of my partner’s severe, active clinical crisis would undo my hard-won stability and trigger a severe relapse into my own past mental health breakdown. I ended the relationship, stating clearly that I needed to protect my survival and that they needed professional support.
The Aftermath:
My partner reacted with immense pain, guilt, and accusations of abandonment and cowardice, arguing that I should have stayed to help them and that they were capable of managing their health with my support.
Question for Reddit:
Was it an act of self-preservation or an act of cowardice/abandonment to leave a loving relationship at the moment the partner revealed their deepest, active clinical trauma, solely because that trauma posed a direct threat to my own long-term mental health stability?
Nta- they seem to want an emotional support human. If its too much for you thats ok.
I just can’t seem to shake off the feeling that it will be hell for the both of us in the future if she doesn’t seek professional help. Which I did mention to her, even offering to shoulder the initial session, and which she didn’t entertain.
I’m struggling to answer as I can’t stand the chatgpt way of phrasing things, and this misses out huge pieces of crucial information, like how long have you been together, are there any kids, any financial entanglements.
In my book you can leave any non-marital (or similar level of commitment) relationship at any time for any reason.
Nta
Info: Did you talk to them about going back into treatment, or try to discuss your concerns at all before ending things?
I did. I told her about the organization that helped me rebuild my life and even offered to shoulder their initial session but ended up ignored
NTA. Your well-being comes first. Some people think they need a friendly ear when they really need professional support. I hope she seeks it out.
NTA. Your partner was relying upon you rather than a mental health professional. There’s nothing in your post indicating you signed up for that responsibility. Moreover, as this puts your own mental health at risk, you needed to leave. Hopefully, you are both able to find the help and support you need.
NTA. It is an act of self-preservation.
You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
It’s sad they’re going through things and struggling, but at this point, they need to get professional help. A partner is not a therapist. You need to protect your emotional and mental stability.
Sounds like self preservation to me. We all have limits and being protective of ourselves has to come first. If you are bleeding yourself dry for another person who isn’t attempting to take care of their own issues (not in therapy in years) that’s not fair to you. The statement about being able to manage their health with your support is very codependent. Did you do what you felt able to do and had reached a limit that was negatively affecting you? Then you have done nothing wrong. Take care of yourself and your mental health. Your own mental health issues are not your fault but they are your own responsibility which applies to everyone in this situation.
NTA – you cant look after someone else if your own mental health is the cost
We can’t give you an objective answer – relationships are so personal, and you can end a relationship for whatever reason.
But I can give you some input as someone in the mental health field, and who’s done a lot of work on myself and with my patients. You are not your partner’s therapist. And while it is never somebody’s fault that they have mental heath issues, their choice to not seek mental health care is within their control.
NAH. I don’t know if this is the right question for this sub, but don’t feel guilt. Take care of yourself, and congrats on. your healing journey
Have faith in your instincts and don’t look back