Me (28 male) my amazing fiance (26 female) have been dating for three and a half years engaged for a year! ( and hopefully married soon!) but there’s always been a problem with her brother (38 male) her parents died when she was 7 and he was 19 in a car crash. He pretty much took care of her since because he didn’t want her to end up in an orphanage so he’s been there for her for a while and they’re super close because of everything that’s happened. he’s also very overprotective of her which i understand. she’s literally the sweetest person i’ve ever met and a chronic people pleaser. She’s always help out whenever she can so he always wants to make sure people aren’t taking advantage of her or anything. I love her to death but I also end up saying she can’t help everyone and to get her to stop working so hard. her brother barely tolerates me. The problem is he can get really really overbearing. He’ll stop by our flat sometimes just to check on her and if he finds her doing the housework he’ll start questioning me on why i’m not ( we split the chores mostly evenly. I do the dishes and I clean around the house and she does the cooking and laundry. She’s a chef and loves to make new recipes sometimes we’ll swap around chores if one of us isn’t feeling up to it. So as i said her brother normally checks up on her and dose get kinda overbearing and very suspicious if he sees her doing household chores and he’ll start asking why im not dong it and why im just being lazy (she has tried to tell him to stop it and she has explained over and over how we spilt the work evenly. Shes always defending me but as i said she’s a people pleaser and doesn’t ever go far) anyways to the situation. So this morning me and her were up just doing some things before she had to head to work. she was making breakfast and i was working on my computer(I’m a freelancer artist so i work from home)and her brother came over she let him in and they were just talking until she had to go to work. after she left her brother stuck around for a bit and as i was working he said ( paraphrasing) “you know you should really get off you ass and at least clean up. She goes to work all day and she works so hard while you sit here doing nothing.” i tried to explain as i have before how i’m a freelance illustrator and i am working but he just brushed it off and kept saying stuff like that so i snapped and said (paraphrasing) “maybe if you got a job instead of nitpicking and trying to tear me down you’d actually enjoy life and wouldn’t spend it hovering over your sister even after she’s said she’s fine and doesn’t need you to come by. Even she says she dosnt want you here so take the hint and leave us the fuck alone.” he got mad and left while saying something about how she could end up with such a lazy person. I don’t think shell be mad at me for yelling at him or anything shes always said if he gets to be to much i can tell him to leave
Well, you and your fiance have already told him numerous times that you share the chores. Why doesn’t he understand that? It’s a bit rich that he accuses you of being lazy when you have a job and he doesn’t! It’s great that he protected her while she was growing up but I think he’s going too far.
NTA. Your fiancé needs to go to therapy to help with people pleasing. I can’t imagine being with someone who lets their siblings(or anyone for that matter) nitpick at what I’m doing in my home, especially for something we’ve already discussed. I’m truly surprised you hadn’t gone off on him sooner.
NTA. He’s deliberately trying to pick at you, despite being told you and your fiancée (congratulations, by the way) split the chores, which is something many couples do and is completely normal. I understand he is protective of your fiancée, and that’s not a bad thing. What he should have been doing is respecting your personal space, and maybe calling in before dropping by. Whatever the case, your response was justified, he was trying to get under your skin.
Wait, he doesn’t work?
Keep standing up to him and shutting him down. Stop explaining things to him, like how household chores are divided. You should not be defending yourself or explaining anything to him. The more information you give him, the more reasons he can find to belittle you. Shut him down then shut him out.
Perhaps he is overprotective because he also still suffers trauma from losing their parents and some part of him is afraid to lose her.
Sounds like he doesn’t have a significant other? And you say he also has no job? Could be he is suffering some kind of depression that he has yet to deal with.
It’s hard to say if he will get over it or not. You need to have a serious discussion with your fiancée that although you appreciate everything her brother did for her, it’s time for him to let her live her life now. She will need to also take a stand in this because it will involve her not letting him just stop by any time he wants. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.
NTA. Fuuuuck THAT guy! Good on you for showing some fortitude and giving him a piece of your mind.
He spent his entire adult life, taking care of his sister. She’ll always be his little sister in his mind. Why don’t you arrange a time to take him out for a beer and talk to him and let him know that you love his sister and as a couple you have a division of chores that works for you both, and you would never take advantage of her. TALK TO HIM!
NTA. There’s no reasoning with people like this. Your fiancee is likely a people pleaser because she was basically raised by a control freak. You need to come up with a plan with your fiancee as this is her issue to manage. She should go to therapy to work on her assertive skills. Then agree on how you will manage him.
For example: Whenever he launches into something that isn’t his business, show him the door with no explanation, then go NC for a week or two. But she needs to let him know this is going to be the rules of the game moving forward and be prepared to stick to whatever she tells him.
NTA As long as you actually make money with your freelance work, if not her brother might have a point.
Drop by his place uninvited and criticize everything. NTA
Nta