Last year I was chatting in a group chat with a couple of my high school friends. My best friend said she couldn’t read a part of the music we were playing, and I made a comment about that (unfortunately, I don’t have the message anymore after a phone switch) which wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, considering it’s been 3 years of us playing it should be something fairly easy to play for everyone (not everyone in the gc played tho, just three including myself). I continued **what I believed** to be playful banter, but things escalated.
They got more aggressive, so I also decided to as well, as we normally do, but this time things were different. During the escalated argument, someone mentioned something in Spanish which I didn’t understand because of a language barrier. I said I didn’t understand what they said and then they began making fun of me for not understanding, calling me stupid and told me to learn spanish (which I naturally struggle with) among other things. And when I was going to attempt to explain where I went wrong and apologize so I could de-escalate I got removed from the group chat. Also for a little more context they do mostly the exact same thing to me so I assumed it’d be fine because when they do it it’s fine, so why wouldn’t it be fine for me as well? But I was fortunately mistaken (I say fortunately cause that event showed me issues that I have).
After that day, they stopped talking to me and I stopped too. But then I encountered my ex-best friend and decided to apologize, mainly for hurting her feelings of course. I mainly came to the conclusion of apologizing because of how sometimes I hurt people without realizing it. We mostly got things resolved but I’m still in the process of forgiving.
I admit I started it, but I wasn’t expecting it to turn into personal insults. So I wonder, am I the asshole for it or am I not?
Also do be honest please, I do want to know whether I was in the wrong or not. Bless y’all!
I’m thinking there’s a lot you’re leaving out, considering you’re admitting you started it, but very specifically avoided saying what your actual comment was. How can a joke be playful banter if you admit that it’s what started an argument?
What did you actually apologize for? It’s very unclear what you actually did, and how a joking comment could be taken so badly. The most logical theory is your joke was one of those “jokes” where it’s just saying a thing you actually believe about someone but spinning it as a joke as a way to say it without social consequences. It sounds very much like you did in fact say a “personal insult”, so it isn’t surprising that it got flipped on you.
Sounds like the group went overboard in the response, but if everyone in the group decided your behavior was shit, the most likely conclusion is you were in fact an asshole. They might be too based on what it actually was, but only in the sense of an outsized reaction.
When interacting with your friend and your friend group in the future, it might be helpful to establish boundaries of what is and isn’t okay to joke about. What makes a roast fine and what then makes it a personal insult? What are some constructive ways everyone can do in the moment to call someone out who has drifted from banter to being mean / a bully? Can everyone commit to course correct if the rest of the group tells them to stop?
For the time being with the information you’ve provided, I’m voting YTA.
I almost wonder if they called their friend stupid over the music notes, and then got butthurt when the friend group flipped it and called the stupid for not knowing Spanish.
That does seem to be pretty likely, lol.
Hard to tell, but seems interesting they didn’t say what they said only what it ended on lol
YTA
What was your actual comment here? It’s hard to tell without seeing the chat, so I guess the judgement could change, but with what you’ve provided it seems you started with making fun of your friend, she got upset, and you kept doubling down even when things started to turn south. It turned into an argument and instead of pausing, apologizing, you kept going until your feelings were hurt about the comment in Spanish but by then it seems the whole group was upset with you.
I think it’s good you apologized, and next time I would be much more clear on boundaries and banter. A lot of people are assholes in the name of “fun and jokes” but are truly just mean people.
Yeah, that the whole group decided OP was an asshole tells me OP was an asshole.
No one can judge without seeing the exact messages. You’re probably the AH, but we can’t know unless you post the actual messages word for word
Bruh not you going “yeah I said something that caused all my friends to get mad at me and kick me out of the group but THEY’RE weird for getting so mad over it” and then not even telling us what you said you’re so clearly the Asshole lol
Info
What did you say? Like, yes it’s been a while, but you should be able to remember at least the gist of what you said, and how exactly did they escalate? You said that there were a few things said between your original comment and the Spanish comment, and then you being removed from the chat, so what did you say, what were the responses and subsequent escalation??
Oh look, another AITA with barely any context and missing info. Just off these reasons alone (and what you wrote) I’m gonna say YTA.
You know you started it, but won’t say what you said. And you admit you kept pushing it. That’s a BIG red flag on this subreddit.
This is a toxic friendship, and I can’t tell who is the toxic one. It’s probably you. ESH.
From what other people have told me, it is mostly a toxic friendship as well. But aye man thanks for your opinion! Also I did update it with a little more context just in case
YTA
I’m calling bullshit on you saying you don’t remember what you said, but you remember what THEY said. You just know what you said that started the whole argument makes you an asshole, and you don’t want to admit it.