I (27M) was asked to be a groomsman at my sister’s (22F) wedding. The gesture is super nice of them and I’m more than happy to be part of the wedding. They asked me to go on the bachelors trip, which was also very nice of them, but the timing and cost is really difficult for me.
The day of the trip is the day my girlfriend’s lease ends, and mine ends in the same month. That’s when we’re trying to move in together, as well as furnish whatever place we find. Another side of it is that I don’t know the people going other than the groom, and they want to play golf and spend lots of money which I don’t have much interest in. My parents offered to cover the costs for me after I mentioned the cost to them, but at the end of the day it’s just really bad timing and I honestly don’t want to go.
AITAH for not going? I haven’t given an answer yet because I feel guilty saying no, and know that she’ll hold resentment for me. But I feel like I need to prioritize my own life and make sure my affairs are in order. I understand it’s a once in a lifetime thing, but I’m struggling to put my personal needs aside for it.
Edit: I feel like I should also say the overall cost, and how many days. It’s 4 days and 3 nights, several states over, and about 700-800 dollars. Thanks for the advice in advance!
NTA: Just be honest with them. If they freak out, you don’t need them as friends, or whatever.
This isn’t a friend, this is his sister getting married. He may not need to be friends with the other groomsmen, but generally its best if you make the effort to get along with your siblings spouse.
Plus, I would guess that OP wants his parents and sis to like his GF, and if they were to get married, they will both want their families to be excited and supportive of their wedding/marriage.
Since your parents are footing the bill – Just go. You don’t have to play golf. It’s a good way to get to know your future brother in law.
I agree, if his parents are paying, why not just go. He could get to know everyone. But if he really just doesn’t want to then he can tell them he’s busy.
Yeah, kinda. He’s joining your family. Making nice, esp. at the beginning is part of it. Let mom and dad help, go drink some beers, play some golf, and be a stand up guy for your sister. Soft YTA.
Surprised more people aren’t saying this. Agree with this response – soft YTA
Definitely NTA. Your priorities are literally adulting-level important moving, furnishing a place, coordinating leases, budgeting.
NTA, I’m sure if you explain the situation they’ll understand. Moving is not something you can do ahead of time or postpone really. They did not ask you ahead of time if those dates would work with you so with that in consideration, I firmly believe that anyone who plans a destination bachelor/bachelorette party has to be prepared for the fact that not everyone will be able to attend.
NTA for prioritizing your own life over a day or weekend of someone else’s life.
I would very simply say something like “I’m really honored to be included in the wedding party, but I didn’t realize the bachelor party was going to (be so long/happen at this time/whatever the most pressing issues is). Unfortunately, I simply cannot make it happen. I’m sorry about that and if you want me to step down, I’ll understand.”
It puts it on them to choose the path forward. You shouldn’t sacrifice your financial stability or anything else over a bachelor (or bachelorette) party. If the bachelor party is so important that they decide you shouldn’t be in the wedding, eff it. Go as a guest and have a great time!
The other side of this is the groom might be a bit relieved that he doesn’t have to awkwardly build bridges between you and his friends and he can just go hang out and have fun with no pressure. Maybe you can call ahead and buy a round of drinks or something for them while they’re away.
Good luck to you and your girlfriend on the moving! It’s a PITA!
NTA but you’re robbing yourself of a bonding experience and what would ultimately probably be a great time if you don’t go.
I’m generally in favor of not overspending on anybody’s wedding. However, it’s your sister, and the financial issue is handled because your parents want you to go and will pay. The timing sounds pretty bad, but probably could be accommodated as well.
TheThe possible reason for going is you don’t feel comfortable or feel like you would have a good time. Is the brother of the bride and not so much a friend of the groomsman, chat with him about the upcoming move and conflicts and feel out whether you’re begging off will be met with some sense of relief. Frankly, seeing you’re not part of the crew. And you do your part by thanking him and telling him it does sound fun. But it’s just such poor timing for you, you hope he won’t be terribly miffed if you have to beg off. And the two of you can go out and have a nice meal and blah blah some other time.
IF is starts to escalate (shouldn’t happen if everyone’s an adult 🙂), I strongly recommend taking your parents money and going on the weekend trip. Crap that happens associated with a wedding is memorialized and everyone’s memories and will be part of “the story” as long as the marriage is and sometimes longer. So, don’t get caught in that trap.
Certainly ~~NTA~~ NAH since it is an inconvenient time for you \*and\* you’re just not interested. Either of those would have been enough
Slight Yta. . if your parents are willing to cover the costs then you should make an effort. The fact that the trip is the day the lease ends doesn’t matter. If the lease is ending then she has to be out already. This is one of those times when you should put forth effort for other people in your life.
YTA a little.
I know that weddings can be overwhelming to be part of, and expensive, but this is your FBIL and your parents understand, and accordingly offered to cover the cost.
This man will possibly be part of your life for the rest of your life, and while you might not have a lot in common hobby-wise on paper, you both love your sister. So Go. Bond with him, create memories, support your sister. This is important stuff, and relationships have to start somewhere. For all you know you will end up having an awesome time with him and the other groomsmen!
The timing is inconvenient, for sure. Can you plan around it since you seem to have some time? Maybe you can pack GF up the weekend before and store her stuff at your place, or your parent’s garage until you find something. Maybe your sister and FBIL will help, so you can attend the bach.
Truth being that it might not bother you not to go, but it might cause some hurt for your sister and FBIL. I don’t think anyone needs to always put other people in front, so if this is a situation where the effort and expectation are all one sided – don’t go. If sister rarely asks you for anything she wouldn’t give you in return and she really wants you to like her fiancee then I think you kinda need to make it work.