I (24M) have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 months. The beginning honestly felt like a movie, traveling to see each other, spending time together, everything felt right.
About a month into the relationship, an issue came up involving my ex. I had dated this ex for a year and it ended badly. Before getting into my current relationship, my ex and I had one final conversation to clear the past and mutually agreed to stop talking. There was no emotional involvement after that.
I’m also a YouTuber. One day I posted a meaningful video and my ex replied to the story saying it was heartfelt. I replied with just “thank you.” I immediately told my girlfriend about it and even sent her a screenshot. Despite that, she felt deeply hurt and said I didn’t think about her before replying. Since then, this incident has never fully settled. Even when I tried being transparent later about anything related to my ex, it always turned into a fight.
I even unfollowed my ex to make my girlfriend feel more secure. When my ex asked why I unfollowed, I didn’t reply. Still, this entire topic became a sensitive trigger in our relationship.
Fast forward to Christmas my girlfriend was visiting me. That same day, we had another argument about the past ex issue. After we made up, she was cooking, excited, getting ready to dress up, and the mood was finally good.
That’s when my ex messaged me on WhatsApp saying she was leaving the country and asked if I wanted to meet (and added that it was okay if I didn’t).
I panicked.
I had zero intention of meeting my ex. I didn’t want any contact. But I was terrified of telling my girlfriend because:
• She had already told me her love for me had reduced after the previous incident
• We were finally having a peaceful moment together
• I didn’t want to ruin Christmas
• I didn’t want to reopen wounds when I wasn’t doing anything wrong
So I blocked my ex immediately and didn’t reply. I also didn’t tell my girlfriend about this message.
It’s been about 20 days since then. I haven’t contacted my ex at all. But the guilt is killing me every single day. I’ve always been someone who values honesty, and hiding this feels against who I am even though I did it to protect my girlfriend’s feelings and our fragile relationship.
I didn’t cheat. I didn’t entertain anything. But I still feel like I’m carrying this secret alone and it’s mentally exhausting.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I just needed to get this off my chest because the guilt is overwhelming.
TL;DR: Ex messaged me asking to meet before leaving the country. I blocked her immediately but didn’t tell my girlfriend because of past fights about this ex and fragile relationship timing. Now I feel extreme guilt for hiding it even though nothing happened.
So your gf got mad at you for saying “thank you” to your ex’s comment?
NTA because I think it’s pretty crazy that she got upset at all about that, never mind her still being upset over it. IMO you really need to work out this jealously issue with her or end the relationship to because fights over you saying “thank you” sounds incredibly exhausting.
I think you should tell her. If she flips out, that’s on her, not you. Based on this post she sounds extraordinarily controlling if she’s that upset over something so tiny as a “thank you”.
nta. as kindly as possible, your girlfriend sounds insecure. if you’re honestly afraid that she’s going to get into a fight with you based on how you told us that went down, she may not be right for you or yall need to work on this.
Nta. Maybe you shouldnt be with someone who makes you feel guilty for no sane reason.
Your gf is far too insecure to be in a relationship.
If you don’t wish to be contacted by your ex, all you have to do is block her.
I don’t see your present relationship lasting. It’s exhausting to walk on eggshells
NTA
Your girlfriend sounds unreasonable insecure and prone to emotional manipulation.
So unbelievably insecure to the point where it’s lowkey controlling… poor guy can’t block his ex without feeling guilty about it when he did it for his relationship to begin with!
He can’t control his ex reaching out. At least he’s honest but the way she reacted to something out of his control makes me agree with the unreasonable point as well.
Nta toxic relationship you need to break up she is not good for you
Yta for still staying in this exhausting relationship. Your peace is not gonna last long. She’s not just insecure also immature. Dating her is exhausting. Also, its not like your ex is causing trouble.
NTA.
you’re a fine man with admirable morality and values. don’t ever change that!
your girlfriend sounds frustratingly insecure in your relationship. the fact that basic communication is being met with a fight/guilt trip is an issue, especially when you’re trying to be transparent about contact with an ex.
you’re in your 20s, young man. it might be time to ask yourself if this is the kind of behavior you want to spend your valuable time entertaining. good luck!
NTA
You made the right call to not restart that source of tension between you and your partner.
If you didn’t reply, you didn’t disrespect your girlfriend. If you blocked your ex and have no intention of unblocking, then you’re not doing anything shady.
All that would happen if you told your girlfriend about it is it would reignite, as you said, all that insecurity and conflict.
That said, do you feel like the emotional demands of this relationship are what’s best for you? It’s okay to say yes, but it’s a question worth asking. Sounds, at least from your side of things, like you are a little exhausted. It’s something worth exploring.
Dude, you’re not protecting your girlfriend. You’re protecting your own (guilty) butt. That’s why you panicked when your ex messaged you; you knew your girlfriend would see this as another betrayal on your part.
You said that she has issues with anything to do with your ex. That’s her problem to deal with. You do NOT have to subscribe to her issues. She is punishing you for behavior demonstrated by her exes. Her insecurity is basically telling you that she fully expects you to act like them; she is willfully refusing to see that you are not one of those people.
You feel like hiding that last contact by your ex from your girlfriend is completely opposite to the person you are. This right here tells you what you need to know. Your girlfriend is not going to give you any grace whatsoever. She even told you that her feelings toward you had decreased because of the message where you simply said “thanks” to your ex!
Is this the life you want to live? Do you really want to have to monitor every word, every action, every facial expression to make sure that she doesn’t get triggered by it, even if there was nothing to be triggered by?
Call it a day, my friend. If your girlfriend was open to counseling (perhaps individual, but couples for sure), she might — MIGHT! — come to realize how she’s sabotaging her relationships. However, it’s not an easy process, and it takes time and willingness to give and accept honesty. Based on how you describe her, I don’t know that this girl is willing or able to do the work. Just know that as things are now, you will NEVRR have her complete trust; any little infraction will be remembered and weaponized against you, even if the infraction occurred only in her mind.
Good luck.
Dude, run. Run now. If she is that insecure, possessive, and untrusting, you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your relationship. Rip off the band-aid and find someone who cares about *you* and not just herself. Seriously, man, RUN
She sounds insecure/immature. The fact that she told you her love for you reduced because of the previous incident which was a simple comment is insanely wild and to me is a red flag but no, you’re NTA
You should not have to be afraid of your partner.
You are reasonably certain that she would punish you (for the crime of somebody else sending you a message that you didn’t entertain) by withholding love and ruining your time together. That’s not how it works in a safe, healthy relationship. You shouldn’t have to hide things you didn’t even do just to keep the peace.
It’s emotional abuse and you should leave. NTA but whether or not you’re the asshole is so not the issue here.