Backstory: I grew up poor, with a lot of trauma and very little family support. I do not dwell on it. I am in my 30s and have been in therapy for years, but it is part of who I am. Unless I told you, you would not know that is where I come from. My husband grew up the opposite, with a large and supportive family where he never wanted for anything. I love his family, but sometimes I feel like an outsider. I usually keep that to myself because I know some of this anxiety likely comes from my limited experience with that kind of family dynamic.
We bought a house over the summer, which we could not have done without his grandmother giving him a large amount of money that had been set aside as part of his inheritance. We did not buy an extravagant house. The money simply covered the down payment. His grandparents have always been financially responsible, which I respect.
Our son was born about 6 weeks after we moved. we mutually decided it made sense for me to SAHM for 6-12 months. Daycare is expensive, my job was not making a major financial difference, and we can manage on his income. We live modestly, budget carefully, and avoid unnecessary expenses. He works from home and having our family together during these early months has been a gift.
This was his idea. While I am grateful to give my son a life I did not have, not working scared me. I have worked since I was eleven years old. My mom worked late nights and we struggled badly. Working is deeply ingrained in me, but I put those fears aside because this felt best for our family.
Recently, I found out he gave his grandmother our son’s SSN and personal information so she could set up an account for him. I do not have an issue with her doing this. What bothered me was that I was not told. I had to ask, and he became defensive when I wanted details. He said he did not know much, then kept emphasizing that neither of us could access it so I should let it go. That was not the point. Both parents should know who has our baby’s SSN and what is attached to his name.
His reaction made me feel like he sees me as a gold digger. I have never asked him for money. I am low maintenance, avoid spending, and dislike stuff culture because of how I grew up. This has nothing to do with wanting access to money, and I would never steal from anyone, especially my son.
This triggered intense anxiety. As an unemployed stay at home mom, his reaction made me feel suddenly less trusted or included in financial decisions. My heart says I may be overreacting, but it still hurt. This is not the first time plans for our son have been made with his family without me, but it is the first time I spoke up because it involved his personal information. He said he could open an account himself. I said I would still expect him to tell me, because transparency is the point. I am not asking for control. I am asking for the same consideration I would give him. AITA?
Nah, but communications issues over money suggest the long term requires financial couple counseling. He was raised not to ask about money and you giving up your financial security and future retirement is a huge stressor for you.
You are absolutely right, husband being defensive 🚩🚩 he needs to trust you as a partner & equal parent. If he’s not being completely honest, a get a job so you can protect yourself and baby. He can stay home.
In the gentlest way possible this is less about the grandparent have your babies ssn and more about a feeling of insecurity with your husband. Have you told him about your fears of not working? Do you have a fear deep inside that if he ever left you you would be left with nothing? Would he understand these fears or dismiss you? People don’t think they need to go to couples counseling over their feelings about money but they often do
NTA. You’re absolutely right when you say you should know who has your child’s personal information.
Also, what if something were to happen to your husband and you knew nothing of these accounts or choices? It would be difficult for you to manage both his estate and your son’s future.
Handing out personal info on the kids in a two yes one no situation. You have every right to be pissed.
Is your name on the house deed?
Might be time for a better therapist. Yours seems to be failing you.
Your background is not the issue here, it’s his dismissive shit attitude.
NTA Go find out what your kid’s social was used for (possibly a trust or 529 college fund, but you have the right to know.)
NAH. What he did is incredibly common and no big deal if his family is trustworthy. Wealthy family that wants to pass down generational wealth is a blessing and regardless of what Reddit likes to scare of with, most grandparents aren’t going to steal anyone’s identity. Be thankful for what your kids are gifted. Your husband may be defensive because you essentially accused him or his family of intent to hurt your kid in the long run. You have financial anxiety. He didn’t. Neither of you is wrong but this isn’t a hill to die on.
NTA This isn’t really about the money. It’s about being included and respected as an equal parent. Giving out your child’s SSN and setting up something in his name without telling you is something most parents would be uncomfortable with. Your reaction is understandable, especially since staying home right now already puts you in a more vulnerable position. What hurts is his defensiveness instead of simply acknowledging why this bothered you. You’re not asking to control finances or access anything you’re asking for transparency and basic consideration, which is reasonable.
NAH. What happened is not uncommon. However, being married for over 35 years, I cringe whenever I hear of or discuss couples where only one has total financial control-and this is a very real dynamic when family money is involved. I strongly suggest you calmly discuss with your husband that you would like to be educated about and apprised of all financial issues and decisions that affect your immediate family. Sometimes the extended family is who is trying to exert this type of control but your husband can override and discuss what matters without them knowing. After all, he chose you to be his partner…finances are a huge part of a marriage and raising a family. Everyone should feel comfortable.
NTA letting you know should be a basic courtesy.
NTA but I do want to add that the family starting an education or savings account is not uncommon, so try not to let that stress you out. The issue is you want your husband to treat you like an equal partner. Having a baby is a lot. It’s easy to focus so much on their needs that you fail to focus on keeping the bonds of the parents strong and connected. You two need to talk. Tell him your fears. Gently ask that he keep you in the loop next time. Hopefully it was just an oversight and his defensive reaction was only because he doesn’t yet see where you’re coming from.
NAH, but you should start with therapy to work on your anxiety about money. This is something that is impacting personal relationships. You said yourself that you keep yourself apart from his family when you are all together. You’re experiencing high anxiety over not working, even though there isn’t a reason to be anxious about it since it was a mutual decision at a normal time to not work. It’s hard to address the actual issues with this situation (which are relatively minor) because your other anxieties are overwhelming it. It’s very possible your husband reacted the way he did because the way you expressed it was inappropriate due to these emotional issues.
How should he have reacted if it was communicated appropriately? He should have mentioned it to you, and if he didn’t have info he could had gotten the info. But I doubt this is the first time you have had a reaction about finances, and it’s possible he’s walking on eggshells trying to NOT cause you more anxiety. No one here knows because we weren’t there and anxiety makes people unreliable narrators. But regardless, the post as a whole is telling me you need a lot of help to work through your trauma before it ruins your relationships.
If you can’t ask a question and receive a legitimate answer about your son, you’re not in a healthy dynamic. NTA
NAH. You are not wrong.
But grandparents starting these types accounts is so common, I’m unsurprised this did not rise to the level of an event you should be informed of in your husband’s mind.
I suspect being a new mom and feeling out of control from that and from not currently working have you reacting stronger than you might normally.
And he’s feeling extra out of control from being a new dad. And this felt to him like you didn’t trust him to make good decisions for the family, and so he reacted more strongly than he might normally.
I think “making financial decisions for our son” overstated what happened here. Because what really happened is your son was given a gift of money, and gifts always happen without the recipient weighing in.
But I don’t think anyone here has any ill intent. Just people working off different scripts.
Edited to correct a typo
Setting up accounts like this for grandchildren or even nieces/nephews of adults without children is so common in my social circle that it wouldn’t be worth any conversation. It is more expected than anything really for grandparents. You need a SSN to set up those accounts.
I think this is just a difference in experience/background and I wouldn’t think too much about it. I think it is worth having a conversation where you ask to be told about things like this, just for planning purposes.