I (39 F) am going to marry my partner (39 NB). I have my dad, who is technically my step-dad, and my biological father both in my life.
I’ve never gotten along well with my biological father, he’s insensitive and a bit of a bigot, and he’s always demeaned my life choices and mocked some of my partners. He refuses to correctly gender my current partner, and asks mocking questions about ‘who are you talking about when you say ‘they” when he knows perfectly well.
When I marry, my original plan was to have my mum walk me down the aisle to avoid any further antagonism between my biological father and I, as I know he would expect to be in the position of dad at my wedding but I thought he would accept me picking mum as she has been with me my whole life. Heartbreakingly, though, my mum passed away really suddenly three weeks ago (she was in perfect health and we don’t know what happened yet). I would now pick the dad who raised me, I love him so much and he has been my absolute rock through all this and has always had my back.
I know, however, that my biological father will be pissed. I really don’t know how to have this conversation with him, and he can be very vindictive. But I worry that as my technically actual dad he has a right to be involved in this way. Despite the dislike, he did support me financially through my childhood and occasionally gives me money (he slipped me a $100 when we were out at lunch today).
Part of me doesn’t even want to invite him to my wedding at all as I know he will be insensitive towards my partner.
So AITAH for excluding him in this way?
NTA. The person who supported and respected you earns that role, not just the one who shares your DNA.
NTA . Parenthood is not defined by blood but by love and care. You bio father may have supported you financially but he did not provide the love and care he needs to be your father.
He cannot technically give you away from his care because he never had you in his care!
just walk by yourself.
NTA
my dad was an abusive drunk. He was a good father until I was 12 .. but there were still insane disciplinary actions. After age 12 he turned into a drunk monster. 10 y later we made peace and I did invite him to my wedding, I gave him a father daughter dance, but my mom and her dad (,rip grandpa) walked me down the aisle.
‘Father’ is a biological determination. ‘Dad’ is the man who loved and raised you. Easy choice.
NTA
No one has the *right* to be part of your wedding. You can choose anyone you like, or even choose to not have anyone walk you down the aisle.
NTA if you leave out someone who treats your partner poorly. Do you really think that behaviour like his has a place in your wedding?
Money doesn’t compensate for his nastiness, though it would also be best if you could avoid taking money from him going forward. Financial support while you were a child was your due, so if that’s the main good thing you can say about him then that’s not much at all.
My condolences on the loss of your mother.
Thank you for your condolences, it really was a great and painful loss so I always appreciate when people say that <3
NTA
You are an adult and have been for more than a minute. You need no one to walk you down the isle. You march yourself down the isle and join hands with your partner.
My parent arrangement is not so different from yours. After my mother said no I should have just made the choice I’ve suggested to you.
Bio dad disrespects your partner and your choice. He will not be supportive of your marriage so no invite for him.
What’s he going to do to you? Punish you? Take away your birthday? If he really wanted to be a part of your adult life he should have made better choices.
Dance with step dad, if you guys choose to do that, and enjoy your special day and the start of your lives together.
NTA.
1) No one has the “right” to walk you down the aisle. It is an honor you may choose to bestow, not a right that belongs to anyone.
2) I actually think it would be incredible gross to have him walk you down the aisle, because of his disrespect of your partner and ya’lls relationship.
3) I know queer people who regret inviting people who weren’t supportive of their relationships to their wedding. I’d recommend thinking about bigoted family this way: will looking at pictures of them at my wedding in a few years make me happy or make me think about the stress and harm they’ve caused me?
NTA. If he complains, give him a quick quiz on your partner, and when he answers wrong, tell him that those answers are exactly why he’s not walking you down the aisle.
NTA. I had my grandfather walk me rather than my bio father. Never regretted it.
NTA. Go with your Dad, not your sperm donor.
Sorry, but this is too easy. As always, go with love.